Heís gonna take you to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He rather have - a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He rather eat the rotten asshole
of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
Heís the Angriest gamer youíve ever heard
Heís the Angry Nintendo Nerd
Heís the Angry Sega Atari Nerd
Heís the Angry Video Game Nerd
What happens when you take an 80ís comedy film like Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure
and turn it into a NES game?
Two guys are struggling to past their history course.
So they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures.
Itís dumb, but itís great entertainment, and a videogame adaptation seem like a good idea.
It had fun characters, time travel and adventure.
So how could you fuck it up?
You want to know?
(metal rock music plays)
Thatís how!
Yep, like almost every movie adaptation on the NES,
it was made by LJN, the masters of shit, the unholy rainbow stamp of death!
The plot of the game is that rebels have gone back in time, taken famous historical figures
and put them in different time periods.
The goal is to find them all and put them back into their correct time periods.
Who are these ìtime rebelsî and why do they want to do this?
Well guess what?
Theyíre never referred to again.
Yeah they are just for your imagination.
Man, wouldnít it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt?
ñlaughter- How about Galileo in the Jurassic period?
ñlaughter- Weíre assholes!
Well the reason youíre trying to return these ìhistorical dudesî to their proper time is to prevent history from being altered.
Specifically, to keep their rock band together the Wild StallionsÖ
-sigh- ReallyÖ?
Thatís the whole big deal, not to prevent some major catastrophe, but instead a fucking concert?
The first thing that happens when you start the game, youíre given a phone book with the numbers of the historical dudes.
If you try calling any of these people, nothing happens.
Not that any of these people would have phone numbers anyway.
Thereís no in game instructions.
NoÖ you are left on your own to figure this out!
Like ìgood luck asshole!î
Oh look! A blinking red number under the number! I guess Iím supposed to call that, huh?!
Thanks for making me flip through all those fucking pages!
Next thing, you are in what they call a time circuit.
where you have to shoot the phone booth across the digits to the phone number youíre trying to call.
You think they overthought this a little?
How about just a cut scene of the phone booth spiraling into a time warp?
Again there are no instructions.
I assume Iím supposed to go hit all the digits in order
and the pink ring is to help guide the phone booth.
Iím just guessing here.
Whatís the point of this?!
Why canít you just start the game?!
Could youíve just dial the number and go straight to the stage!?
And speaking of that, what is the point of dialing the number?
How about selecting the page with the person you want to get to!
But that doesnít matter either because Rembrandt is always the first one you call!
Why couldnít it be like the Megaman games where you can play whatever stage you want?!
Here, everything must be done in the order the game wants you to.
So all this page turning and dialing and time circuit bullshit
has no purpose what-so-ever!
WaitÖ itís automatic? You justÖ do nothing?
Yeah, if you wait long enough the phone booth with go through the circuits on its own.
The drawback is if you let it do that, it costs coins.
If you run out of coins, you are far past fucked! The game is over.
So you obviously want to save as many as possible.
Thatís the only advantage of blasting yourself outside the circuits, free time travel.
In the later stages the time circuits gets harder .
You have to avoid the skulls because they take your coins,
and where are the rest of the circuits by the way?
Isnít there supposed to be one more digit? Where is it?
Youíve got to be kidding me!
Itís all the way out there!
Who would know to do that?!
And if thatís not cryptic enough, you have to hit one of the pink skulls.
One of them takes your coins, and the other one makes the last digit appear.
So itís a 50 percent chance youíll get the right one!
Thatís there is some supreme bullshit!
Once you finally get to the real game, youíll notice how much Grade A ass suckage youíre in for.
Get ready for this shit, but first, the basics.
As you notice they attempted a three-dimensional world.
I have to it to them; it was kind of ambition to do on the NES
but you are still stuck at moving in ninety-degree angles.
You play as either Bill or Ted.
They donít interact on screen together which is pretty shitty for a game with such a recognizable duo.
So we are looking for Rembrandt, and you know whatÖ
I dare to say ìthey missed the opportunity to make this an educational game!î
It didnít have to go overboard.
It could have still been an action/adventure game
but with some informative elements.
Itís all about finding the historical dude but there's no aspect of the game where you return them to where they belong.
Wouldnít it be nice if they had at least a little description in there to tell you who Rembrandt is
instead of just his fucking phone number?
And all these time periods are so vague.
They are mostly just graphical re-designs of the same stage over and over again.
They donít tell us when or where any of this is supposed to be.
There are games that are educational, but suck as a game,
but this game, just sucks both ways.
Whereíd the music go?
I shit you not!
Every time you start the game the music lasts for thirty secondsÖ then stops.
Iím not complaining too much because the music is ass, but why?
They didnít know how to program it to loop?
The rest of the sound effects are no more advance than what you would here on the Atari 2600.
There are mainly two sounds; jumping and falling on your ass.
Get used to those two sounds effects.
That is most of what you will ever hear.
Back to the controls, check out this crap!
You can never see where you are going because you are always waiting for the screen to catch up.
Classic two-gear diarrhea!
Instead of giving you freedom to walk around, you have to follow the path.
Apparently, Ted canít walk on grass.
You canít even get on the side of the path.
If you cut the corner to sharp, youíll get stuck, and it takes you on the most indirect route possible.
Oh!
Fuck!
If you jump in the green, you are as stuck as a dog turd on a hot summer sidewalk.
You have to keep hopping until you get out.
Itís like trying to get out of a sand trap in a golf course
and with those jump sound effects, it really reminds me of NES Golf.
Címon!
Ahh!
Fuck!
This is among the most annoying things in video gaming history!
This is like the fucking bombs in Doctor Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!
The narrow jumps in Ninja Turtles!
The snipers in Dick Tracy!
The stairs in ghostbusters!
The pits in eÖ
Oh, but sometimes theyíll let you walk on the green.
Yeah sometimes!
Its one of those games that keeps changing the fucking rules!
What happened here?
Where did I go?
I found some kind of glitch.
The enemies are just random guys.
Some of them take your coins and some of them are taking you into the dungeon.
Fuck!
-Grunts-
The people who stand still, help you out.
They give you coins or better yet weapons.
That really helped.
All the weapons have the same range, they just fly about ten miles away.
There is no straight attack!
How about give me a crossbow or something?
No. You know what youíre using?
Do you know what this weapon is?
Itís a text book.
A fucking textbook that explodes!
By the way, this wonít change history at all, letís go around blowing people up!
Letís kill some ancestors.
Thatís real great, as long as it doesnít affect the Wild Stallions concert.
When they come back to the present, itís gonna be some kind of Planet of the Apes shit.
Theyíre gonna be playing to an audience full of intelligent sloths.
Another item you can get is the audio cassette.
I love how the knight casually says ìBill asked me to give you one of this audio cassetteî as if the knight would have any idea of what that is.
What does it do?
It plays music and makes everybody dance.
Itís real helpful especially since you donít need a cassette player.
Just throw the cassette on the ground.
Hey! Wanna listen to some tunes?
ñretro music plays-
So where is Rembrandt?
You can explore this whole land but you wonít find him anywhere.
That is because you need to lure him out with bait.
What is he, a fucking fish?
The bait can be any random object.
There are four of them hidden on each stage.
One of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses.
How do you find this bait?
You want to know?
Guess what?
By jumping into things!
This game treats you like an idiot!
Like ìHey kids! You want to play a Bill and Ted game?
Well here you go jumping around in fucking bushes and fences!
Thatíll keep you busy!
Have fun! ì
There is no shortcut around it.
You have to roam the entire stage jumping into everything, and I mean everything!
Thereís people who give you clues.
Sometimes itís as simple as going up to people and talking to them.
Other times you have to select your own responses.
The right answer will lead into another thing you have to respond to and another and you just get stuck in this whole dialog tree. I hate this shit.
All the answers are this same surfer lingo bullshit!
How are you supposed to know what is the right answer?
Also, you have to use A to switch through responses and B to select the response you want.
How about just left and right then a button to select because
The first time playing youíll never know itís A or B; so you end up selecting something that you donít want.
Itís trial and error and itís not intuitive at all!
When you do get a clue, itís always something vague like look for something strange in a tree
or look near the crossroadsÖ
That really helps.
Near the crossroads?
Which fucking crossroads?
This is Castlevania 2/Zelda 2 bullshit, and I love it how they use directions like north and south.
The game is slanted at a fourty-five degree angle!
Which way is south?!
How about a compass?
How about a map?
How about anything?!
Oh thatís nice! I'm stuck!
Is this where the scenery runs out?
Then thereís all these open doors that you canít go in.
Thatís another peeve of mine! If you canít go in the door, donít have a door there!
At least make the door closed!
Itís a psychological tease.
I hate games that do that!
Fuck the towns people
fuck not knowing where to go
Iím going to get the power!
Nintendo Power!
ñMusic plays-
-Grunts-
Wasnít there.
ñGrunts-
Well it helps to visualize the layout of the stage, but where is the starting point?
I like to know where I am.
You know what? Thatís because the game always start you somewhere different.
You can control where it starts you.
When the time circuit finishes, you are supposed to press up or down or some shit.
I donít know!
I donít fucking know!
Then there are certain doors that act as warp zones and transport you somewhere else.
The magazine doesnít tell me that either nor tell me where the historical dudes are.
I know they appear in random houses, but there's probably in a few designated spots.
For the bait, it just gives you a circle.
Showing the vague area of where they are, not the exact bush or fence.
This is one instance where Nintendo Power just didnít bother.
Because the game, was too shitty.
At least I have an idea of where to look now.
Nice I found something!
By looking at the magazine, you may call that cheating
but the game doesnít even play by its own rules.
Bill and Ted were the ultimate cheaters.
What have we learned from the movie?
If you're failing your history course but happen to have access to a time machine, bring the history to the classroom!
If that happened in real life, would the teacher give them an automatic A
or say: ìyeah, thatís pretty amazing you brought Abe Lincoln here
but you still gotta past the testî.
I finally found Rembrandt.
And for one dialog box you have to hit B instead of A;
again changing the rules around.
You have to choose which item to give him.
There is only one correct choice.
Letís say I give him the skull.
Thatís the wrong one so Iíll have to start over.
The correct item is supposed to be something that belongs to this historical figure
and here is where the game could have been somewhat educational, but instead itís a joke.
For example, for Julius Caesar, you're suppose to give him a salad dressing. Har har har!
For Thomas Edison, you are supposed to give him a compact disk.
Yeah, letís not change history by the way.
For CleopatraÖ a credit card!
For Elvis, a Gravestone.
Here you go, Elvis!
Here's your fucking gravestone!
Youíre gonna die!
For king Arthur, the holy grail.
Yeah!
Entire stories have been written of finding the holy grail
and youíre going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or a fenceÖ just a little side quest.
For Jesse JamesÖ an Uzi.
Youíre gonna give Jesse James a fucking Uzi?
Youíre gonna give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon?!
Yeah just help him out! You might as well giveÖ I donít knowÖ
Vlad Tepish an atom bomb!
Anyway, I give Rembrandt a paint roller and he says lets party.
Thatís exactly what heíd say.
He also mentions that heíll pay for the call.
Of course! Here is some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future!
And now we have to go through the damn time circuits again.
My coins ran out!
Didnít that mother fucker say that he was gonna pay?!
Oh Great!
I have to roam this fucking stage AGAIN looking for coins?!
Iíve had enough!
Iím losing my faith in the NES library.
Was there any quality control here?
You know! You know that seal of quality!
Did that mean anything?
Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every K-bee's and Toys-R-Us?!
How many of these games are worthless?!
All the LJN ones, I can tell you that!
But there are good games here, there are!
Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, MegamanÖ
But then a big fucking shitstorm hit it!
A shit storm of horrible games!
And at the middle of it allÖ a rainbow!
A rainbow of shit, LJN!
And Bill and Ted, might even be, the worst LJN game on the NES!
It just doesnít have some ìflawsî.
There is no good and bad.
This game is all bad.
Like, Iím impressed.
How did they do it?
How did they make it so bad?
Bad doesnít even describe it!
Itís disgraceful!
Its putrid!
In fact, I looked up the word putrid in the dictionary.
There is no definition; Itís just a picture of Bill and Ted on NES!
Curse this fucking game!
Curse the plastic that encases the dung heap!
Literally! Itís a plastic shell filled with shit!
Its fucking shit!
Itís... it's ass!
Itís garbage!
And thatís it, goodnight!
Oh I forgot to mention as a matter of fact;
It also sucks monkey fuck!
Itís a worthless pitiful pile of snot dripping puss bubbling wet steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump
and mere descriptions canít even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk.
I canít even come up with a description that is foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination.
Canít describe it.
Iím doneÖ for real this time.
This game is diarrhea coming out off an old womanís bleeding vagina!
Itís fucking terrible!
What were they thinking!
I know; They werenít thinking!
-Subs and timing by MegadriveMaggot-