-I was just running a bit behind.
I thought if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like
to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that okay with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?
[ Piano plays ]
-Wow.
-He's in a good mood. Geez.
[ Music stops ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, HBO, for announcing
that the final season of "Game of Thrones"
will premiere on April 14th.
Winter is finally coming, just not until spring.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, low-battery alert in my fire alarm,
for letting me play a fun two-hour game
of "Where the Hell Is That Beep Coming From?"
It's in this area.
-You stand upstairs.
-Yeah.
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, Netflix,
for announcing you'll be raising subscription prices.
I'd be mad, but at this point I couldn't even tell you
whose Netflix account I'm using.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I don't know.
-Sucks to be them. -I don't know, man.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, Jeff Bezos's divorce,
for magically turning the world's single rich--
Sorry. This is a good joke.
[ Light laughter ]
I just feel like I didn't want screw it up.
-You don't want to screw it up.
I'm glad you stopped it before you did.
-Well, I just feel like I'm having a thing
where, like, spit is going down the wrong tube.
-Wrong -- Wrong pipe?
-Well, I mean, I guess there's a breathing tube
and there's a food tube, right?
-No. Same tube, but, hey, whatever.
But what do I know? I'm just a doctor.
What?
-I went to see my doctor today.
-What'd he say? -Oh, this is not a bit.
[ Laughter ]
Told me I have --
I don't want you to play wacky music if I have --
Yeah, no, no, it's not -- But I did. I saw --
I have acid reflux. -Do you really?
-Yes, he told me I have acid reflux.
-So what do you have to do?
-I got to, like, take a pill or something like that.
-Did he have to --
Did he have to do a test while you were there?
-He said to me -- He goes, "Look, do you eat spicy food?"
I go, "Yes."
He goes, "Do you drink alcohol?"
I go, "Yes."
He goes, "Do you eat food sometimes
after you've eaten food, like, right before bed?"
I go, "Are you spying on me?"
[ Laughter ]
He goes, "Like, how much time is there between your last drink
and when you fall asleep when you're in bed?"
And I go, "Sometimes the drink's in my hand."
[ Laughter ]
-Did he act like that was a bad thing?
-I think that we're not gonna get along.
-Yeah, you don't think you're getting along with that doctor.
-I want a second opinion. Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Anyways, this is a good joke. -Okay.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, Jeff Bezos's divorce,
for magically turning the world's single richest man
into the world's richest single man.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
Thank you. That is funny.
-Wow.
Wordplay.
-It's a thinker. It's a thinker.
-Not a stinker. It's a thinker.
Was that about Jeff Bezos? -What's that?
-That's about the Amazon guy, the richest man in the world.
-Yeah, that's correct. He is the richest --
-Well, was.
-What?
Oh, because love?
-Yeah. -Love made him rich? Truly rich?
-No, I was thinking he would have half of his wealth.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, I thought you were being romantic.
-No, not at all. -No, sorry.
-Being more like accounting.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
I thought you meant that the love of his wife
was what really made him rich.
-Yeah, well, it was but not on paper.
[ Laughter ]
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, mouthwash, for making my bed-- my --
[ Light laughter ]
This was not acid reflux. I just screwed up.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
That's not the GERD. That's just you.
-Don't tell everyone I have GERD.
[ Laughter ]
Acid reflux is so much punk rock-sounding.
-Yeah. Acid reflux.
-Acid reflux. Yeah.
Yeah, be like, "Oh, hi, guys. I got GERD.
Am I allowed in?"
"Stay outside if you have GERD."
-Just wait till your mortgage -- -"Wipe the GERD off.
Wipe the GERD off. Come in when you're ready."
-I'm wearing my Birkenstocks. Can I come in?"
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, mouthwash, for making my bedroom routine
feel like a wine tasting at the world's worst vineyard.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I knew it wasn't that good. -Yeah.
-I'll save it. -Save it for later.
-Yeah. -Save it for the doctor.
[ Light laughter ] -I don't know.
You know what he said to me on the way out?
He goes, "I hope I never see you again."
[ Laughter ]
I think he meant, like --
-He doesn't want to see you. He wants you to get better.
He wants you to get better.
-But that's -- -But it's offensive-sounding.
-I mean, in the elevator, I was like, "Does he hope I die?"
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-I don't know him that well. -Yeah.
Now you got to go back just to prove yourself right.
-I'm gonna wait outside his apartment tonight
with a crowbar.
[ Coughs ]
-Oh, there it is again. Was that -- Wait.
Was that the acid reflux or just spittle?
[ Laughter ]
-That was acid reflux. -Wow.
-I've been doing that for like two months.
-Yeah, you've been coughing. I thought you just had a dry --
-No. I mean, I don't even smoke.
I mean, I heavily vape.
-You vape a lot.
I mean, you vape 24/7. -What's that?
-You said nothing was cooler than somebody vaping, right?
-I said, "Dude, can I borrow your laptop?
I got to charge my JUUL." [ Laughter ]
-I know. I was writing a bit for you, and you took my laptop,
charged your JUUL for like eight hours.
It's like, don't they give you a thing with it?
-I wish I could vape while I'm charging.
I wouldn't do anything else.
-You just vape 24 hours a day.
You make those vape animals. Big puffs of smoke.
-The doctor told me I should start vaping through my nose.
-Really?
-He said it almost acts like a humidifier.
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
Get mentholated vape.
-You put two vapes up your nose.
-It's like going to a sauna. -It's like going to a sauna.
Yeah, steam room. Yeah.
He says it's great for you.
This is a really odd doctor I went to.
-Is he really a doctor?
-Well...
-First of all, where did you meet him?
Was it in -- -A dark alleyway.
-Okay, that's not good.
Not in an office. You met him in an alleyway at night.
-Yes. -And what did he --
What did you give him?
Payment, insurance card? What was it?
-Well, he wanted a stool sample.
He wanted a urine sample, and he wanted a blood sample.
-So what did you do?
-I gave him my underwear.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rim shot ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Here we go.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, clam chowder, for not going by your real name,
hot fish milk.
There you go, everybody. Those are my thank-you notes.