♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Like it or not ♪
♪ When I get going aint no way I'm gonna stop ♪
♪ That's what I do ♪
♪ Like it or not ♪
♪ That's who I am ♪
♪ That's who I be ♪
♪ That's what I got ♪
♪ Uh huh uh huh ♪
- Greetings chums.
(intense music)
Check your sell by date ladies,
faux lesbian hasn't been taboo since 1994.
- Well I'm not great at science, but I can point on this
if it's too weird for you.
- Weird why?
Oh, you mean because my brother's being dissected
with a blade just like this one,
possibly at this very moment?
Don't worry, I'm fine.
(blade singing)
In fact, (squelching)
(gasping)
I'm amazing.
You catatonic bimbos didn't even vote.
So you stuttering sapheads are too dim
to exercise your own rights,
and you've got the combined vocabulary of a baked potato.
Consider this your last practice as River Vixens,
and your last week as my social handmaidens.
You're fired on all fronts.
That's all, shoo, bitches!
(clacking footsteps)
(phone ringing)
- One more thing before you go to the dance,
nana Blossom's ring, not in jewelry box, not with Polly.
Where is it?
- It wasn't my fault it was Polly's.
She lunged at me trying to get it, I didn't know what to do.
I panicked, I thought it would be better for everyone,
if the ring were just, gone, down the drain.
That way if Polly ever said anything to anyone,
there'd be no proof.
Just her word against ours.
(intense music)
Did I do something wrong?
- No, quite right what you did.
(intense music)
- What is that smell?
- Gasoline.
It's the only way we can truly start over, be purified.
(clicking)
(whooshing)
(crackling)
♪ Believer ♪
♪ Pain ♪
♪ My life my love my drive it came from ♪
♪ Pain ♪
♪ You break me down you build me up ♪
♪ Believer ♪
I'm telling everyone you ran back
into that towering inferno to save me,
not that hideous family portrait that you love so much.
And that what happened at Thornhill,
was a terrible, tragic accident.
If you tell anyone the truth about what happened
with the fire, I'll tell everyone
about what really happened in the barn with daddy.
You were cruel to me mother, it was abuse.
Plain and simple.
So henceforth, if you breathe
it is because I give you air.
If you drink, it is because I poured your cup myself.
And if you move, it is quietly
and with my blessing.
(gasping)
Things are going to be different now mommy, better.
You'll see.
- Who is this?
- It's Cheryl, you welfare baby.
- Is something wrong?
- Not yet.
I just wanna make sure that you know Archie and Betty
kissed in front of my house right before Christmas,
and that it seemed pretty serious.
Like with tongue serious.
That's all, enjoy your couples only weekend.
Kisses to all, bye now!
(clacking)
- Did you just tell Jughead that Archie and Betty kissed?
- Yes, so what if I did?
- Did you at least have a reason?
- Oh, that's right, you're new here.
Hi, I'm Cheryl Blossom, aka Cheryl Bombshell.
Which means, I need no reasons, I simply am.
Feel free to tremble.
- I have a better idea, why don't you tell me
what's bothering you,
because clearly, you're in a lot of pain.
- Get your sapphic serpent hands off my body!
(clacking footsteps)
♪ You won't say you won't show ♪
- [Betty] Cheryl?
♪ How you feel ♪
(crashing)
- [Toni] Cheryl, are you in here?
- Toni?
- We came to rescue you.
- You did?
(gentle music)
♪ How can I keep myself away ♪
♪ When I'm falling hard for you ♪
♪ I've never known this kind of love ♪
♪ I can't help that I'm falling hard for you ♪
♪ How do you ♪
- Cheryl, Toni, there are a bunch of nuns coming,
we have to go, come on!
(creaking)
- Before we begin (thudding)
I've heard whisperings, that some of you ensemble vultures,
don't think I'm fit to play or sing.
- No.
- The role of Carrie White.
So, to settle this matter once and for all, maestro?
- Okay, Cheryl.
♪ That's not my name ♪
- Uh, Cheryl!
♪ I hear that word ♪
♪ Sounding so sweet ♪
♪ Thousands of voices forever repeating Carrie ♪
♪ Carrie ♪
♪ I am the sound of distant thunder ♪
♪ That color of flame ♪
♪ I'm Carrie ♪
♪ I am a song of endless wonder ♪
♪ That no one will claim ♪
♪ But someday ♪
♪ Oh by someday ♪
♪ Someone will know my ♪
♪ Name ♪
(clapping)
- Wow, I think I speak for everyone when I say,
that was undeniable, Cheryl.
(whip cracking)
(thudding)
- Ah!
(intense music)
(squeaking)
(intense music)
- You know who's blood this is mummy?
This is Jason's blood, this is daddy's blood.
And the next blood to be spilt, will be yours.
- Cheryl, dear God.
- You've been in cahoots with daddy's twin.
You tried to kill nana Rose.
And then you shipped me off to a ghoulish nunnery.
But your depraved gambits are finished.
If you so much as pluck one hair
from nana Rose's little head,
I'll end you.
I burned one house down, I'll happily burn another.
- Nightmare child what do you want from me?
- I wanna be emancipated.
I want Thistle House, all to myself and my nana.
Start packing mummy.
You and uncle Claudius are pig people,
and should live amongst the pigs.
(rattling)
I also, feel it is my duty to say that,
like the furies of ancient Greece,
who ceaselessly pursue blood atonement
when a crime has been committed,
the Vixens and I vow that we will not rest
until those responsible for the murder of our sister,
is rightly punished.
(gasping)
(clacking footsteps)
(clicking)
(thudding)
(clicking)
(gasping)
(clanking)
Ah!
(clanking)
(thudding)
(screaming)
(clacking)
(thudding)
(thudding footsteps)
(intense music)
(clacking footsteps)
(whooshing)
(rattling)
I suggest your run whilst you still can.
I only miss when I mean to.
(intense music)
(whooshing)
- Ah!
(gasping)
- Fine, you can have the jacket,
as long as you and the Ghoulies stay out of the North side.
- Boy, you don't get to make demands.
(whirring)
Ah!
- Cheryl!
- I told you I was in the mood for some hell raising.
- That's it, just kill 'em all.
- Cheryl aim your next arrow right between Penny's eyes!
If you and your Ghoulies take one more step,
she's gonna release that arrow.
(cracking)
Cheryl doesn't miss.
- Congratulations, you've just made he North side fair game.
- Come on.
- Fire.
- He's not serious, is he?
- Fire Deadeye!
(rattling)
- Whoa!
(cracking)
- Don't test us, mumsy, we know how to dominate too.
(clacking)
Get your hands off my girlfriend!
- Excuse me you can't be in here.
- What's going on?
- They're charlatans.
- What?
- Not another step!
Get up Toni, let's go.
- But my treatment.
- There's a chance Buddy's cries
that the sky is falling are true.
Look at those instruments of torture.
Now please, can we go?
(cracking)
- There's a door snuck Buddy in.
- Lead the way my Monte Christo.
(clanking) Uh!
(rattling)
- Stop those girls!
- Shane!
Take cover!
(yelling)
(whooshing)
- Ah!
(crashing)
(whooshing)
- Roni, here.
(swishing)
- Uh!
- Poisons charge!
(banging)
(yelling)
(intense music)
Welcome home Jay Jay.
(ominous music)
You're home now Jay Jay for good.
All is right in the world, isn't it my love.
- Yep, everything's back to normal.