>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE,
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST AND HERE ARE
TONIGHT'S STOP STORIES. WELL WE ARE ONE WEEK INTO
TRUMP'S NOMINATION. AND SO FAR, SO GOOD.
>> THIS WEEK "THE WASHINGTON POST" RELEASED A RECORDING OF
DONALD TRUMP HE WAS POSING AS A FAKE PUBLICIST NAMED JOHN MILLER
TO BRAG ABOUT HIS BUSINESS DEALS AND HIS SEXUAL CONQUESTS.
TRUMP IS DENYING THAT IT'S HIM. SO, LET'S LISTEN TO THE TAPE.
>> HE'S COMING OUT OF A, YOU KNOW, MARRIAGE, THAT --
AND HE'S STARTING TO DO TREMENDOUSLY WELL FINANCIALLY.
HE'S PROBABLY DOING AS WELL AS ANYBODY THERE IS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> TRUMP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] EXHIBIT A.
USE OF THE WORD TREMENDOUSLY. THERE IS ONLY TWO TIMES I HAVE
EVER HEARD THE WORD TREMENDOUSLY.
FROM DONALD TRUMP AND FROM RECORDINGS OF DONALD TRUMP.
>> ALSO, JOHN MILLER IS SUCH A LAZY, FIRST THOUGHT, MADE UP
NAME, TOO. THAT'S WHAT TRUMP DOES.
EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS LIKE HE IS ON SPEED ROUND OF FAMILY FEUD.
IT'S LIKE, FAKE NAME. JOHN MILLER.
FOREIGN POLICY? BUILD A WALL!
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] MEGYN KELLY?
ALWAYS BLEEDING!
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] KKK?
PASS! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY FOR TRUMP TO PROVE THAT JON
MILLER IS AN ACTUAL PERSON. OH, I KNOW.
MAYBE HE SHOULD SHOW US HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] YES, DON'T YOU HAVE A GUY THAT
CAN DO THAT, HUH? >> AND IF DONALD TRUMP TRULY
BELIEVES THAT IS NOT HIS VOICE ON THE PHONE, THEN I THINK WE
MIGHT HAVE A "FIGHT CLUB" SITUATION.
I MEAN, I KNOW HIS RALLIES ARE ALREADY "FIGHT CLUB," BUT I
THINK, JOHN MILLER MIGHT BE HIS TYLER DURDEN.
WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN TRUMP'S CONFIDENCE.
BECAUSE, EVERY TIME HE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR, HE SEES BRAD PITT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 54%
OF AMERICANS PREFER LICE TO DONALD TRUMP.
WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE LICE ALREADY DROPPED OUT.
THIS WEEK, DONALD TRUMP WAS OFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY NEWT
GINGRICH AND DAN QUAYLE, YOU KNOW THE BEST GUYS AND THE
SMARTEST GUYS. HILLARY CLINTON SAID A NUMBER OF
REPUBLICANS THAT DON'T APORT DONALD TRUMP HAVE BEEN REACHING
OUT TO HER. I DON'T KNOW WHICH REPUBLICANS,
BUT I BET I CAN NAME ONE OFF THE TOP OF MY JEB.
>> NOW DONALD TRUMP IS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE.
MANY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HIS LACK OF FOREIGN POLICY
EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS HIS QUOTE BROMANCE WITH VLADAMIR PUTIN.
HERE TO COMMENT FROM A REMOTE RUSSIAN VILLAGE IN EASTERN
RUSSIA IS OLYA PAVLOWSKY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ EVERYBODY YEAH YEAH
SEES MY BODY YEAH YEAH ♪
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
>> LET ME CHECK MY DAY PLANNER. WHAT DID I DO.
WEDNESDAY, YES, I DID THIS. AND THEN THURSDAY, THURSDAY, I
WAS LIKE -- AND THEN, OH, FRIDAY, YES,
FRIDAY, ME AND MY HOME GIRLS WE GOT TOGETHER AND WE DID THIS.
IT'S SO COLD. SO COLD I WANT TO DIE.
>> COME ON, RUSSIA CAN'T BE THAT BAD?
>> WHAT? COLLIN.
>> YOU KNOW IN AMERICA, YOU ARE LIKE HEY, BUDDY GO TO HELL.
IN RUSSIA, WE SAY, HEY, BUDDY, STAY PUT.
>> YOU ARE ON FIRE. >> NOT AGAIN.
WHERE, WHERE? >> NO YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY ON
FIRE. LET'S GET BACK ON TRACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FACT THAT DONALD TRUMP COULD BEEP OUR
NEXT PRESIDENT? >> COLLIN, COLLIN.
THIS IS SO SWEET. THIS IS LIKE CANDY IN MY MOUTH
TO ME. I AM ASSUMING.
FOR YEARS, AMERICA HAS MADE FUN OF PUTIN.
NOW YOU HAVE A PUTIN OF YOUR OWN.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WELCOME TO THE CLUB!
>> OH MY GOD, GOD BLESS YOU. >> HE NEVER HAS, HE NEVER WILL.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, I MEAN REALLY, AMERICA.
LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE TRUMP. BUT YOU CALL PUTIN CRAZY.
THAT'S LIKE THE POT CALLING ALL OF MY TOES BLACK.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AT LEAST OUR GUY IS JACKED.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PHOTO OF PUTIN SHIRTLESS ON THE HORSE.
I MEAN. YUMMY-YUM.
>> YOU THINK PUTIN'S SEXY? >> NO, THE HORSE LOOKED
DELICIOUS. I'M STARVING.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FACT
THAT PUTIN ONCE CALLED TRUMP A GENIUS.
>> YEAH, HAVING PUTIN CALL YOU GENIUS IS NOT COMPLIMENT.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF MY OWN POOP SAID, YOU KNOW WHO SMELLS
GOOD, OLYA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU, POOP. ALL RIGHT, OH, MY GOD WHY ARE
YOU SO GRAY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU FOR THE VISUAL. THAT WAS GREAT.
THANK YOU. >> COLIN.
CAN I TELL YOU SECRET? >> SURE.
>> OKAY, I HAVE MET THIS DONALD TRUMP BEFORE?
>> YOU MET HIM? >> YES, EVERY TEN YEARS HE COMES
TO MY VILLAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TAKE A NEW WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH.
>> OKAY. AND THIS, GET THIS.
SO LAST TIME, RIGHT, IT WAS DOWN TO ME AND MELANIA.
>> YEAH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I HEARD HE PICKED HER JUST BECAUSE SHE HAD TWO EARS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> OH.
>> I'M SO JEALOUS OF HER. >> YOU'RE JEALOUS NOW, BECAUSE
SHE IS RICH, RIGHT? NO,
BECAUSE, I SEE IN HER EYES THAT SHE'S TRULY DEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OLYA PAVLOWSKY EVERYONE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ONE DAY.
ONE DAY. >> I'M GOOD.
I'M GOOD. >>> A PRISONER IN COLORADO WHO
WAS CONVICTED OF CRACK POSSESSION DEMANDING A DNA TEST
CLAIMING TO BE THE BIOLOGICAL SON OF PRINCE, OR, HEAR ME OUT.
HE IS JUST A CRACK HEAD. AWE --
UFO ENTHUSIASTS HAVE DECLARED THAT HILLARY CLINTON THE FIRST
E.T. CANDIDATE AFTER SHE PLEDGED TO
RELEASE GOVERNMENT FILES ON UFOs AND AREA 51.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE ALIENS KEEP ALL OF THEIR FILES ON A PRIVATE
E-MAIL SERVER. [ LAUGHTER ]