( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HI THERE, GUYS!
>> Stephen: HEY, FUNNY LADY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> HEY, FUNNY LADY!
>> Stephen: I MET YOUR FOLKS BACK STAGE.
>> MIKE AND SAN DIARE HERE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO NICE.
I DON'T GET TO MEET EVERYBODY'S PARENTS WHO ARE ON THE SHOW.
>> WE HAVE BEEN JUST TRAVELING AROUND NEW YORK.
WE'RE JUST ALL STUFFED INTO A TRUCK.
IT'S, LIKE, WHEN THE DOOR OPENS AND WE KEEP COMING OUT, PEOPLE
ARE, LIKE, WAIT, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE.
>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU GREW UP IN RURAL ILLINOIS, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DRIVE A TRUCK EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
>> IT'S AN SUV.
I JUST RAY THEM OUT IN THE BACK.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND WERE ON TOGETHER,
IS THAT IT?
>> WE WERE ON TOGETHER, WHICH HE WON'T LET GO OF.
>> Stephen: WE DID OUR COOKING CONTEST AND HE BEAT YOU.
>> NO, I THINK HE BEAT ME, BUT THEN YOU SAID I WON, AND HE
SAID, THIS IS A CROCK!
HE BRINGS IT UP A LOT.
>> Stephen: I WANT ALL THE GUESTS TO LIKE ME.
( LAUGHTER ) HE SAID YOU WILL DO ANYTHING FOR
A LAUGH, AND ARE THERE LIMITS -- AND WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU
HAVE GONE, PERHAPS REGRETTABLY FAR?
>> I'VE NEVER HURT A HUMAN BEING, THAT I KNOW OF.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I'VE GONE PROBABLY
FARTHER THAN ANY GOOD SENSE.
I BROKE MY NOSE -- OR FRACTURED MY NOSE ON STAGE ONCE.
IT WAS -- >> Stephen: FUNNY SO FAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, THAT WAS NOT EVEN
SADNESS.
THAT WAS LIKE, OH...
>> Stephen: HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT?
>> WE WERE IN PREVIEWS AT THE THEATER IN LOS ANGELES, A PLACE
BEN AND I WERE AT 500 YEARS TOGETHER TO IT WAS WONDERFUL.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE I WORK WITH
JEALOUS.
I SENT MYSELF FLOWERS.
AND I WAS, LIKE, CHOCOLATES?
WHO LIKES ME?
AND THE FINAL THING IS I SENT MYSELF A HUGE THING OF BALLOONS.
THE BIT, IT'S THREE MINUTES.
THE SCENE IS DONE, IT'S TIME TO GET OUT OF THERE.
SO I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THESE BALLOONS AND HE WAS, LIKE, I
DON'T CARE, STOP SENDING YOURSELF -- I WAS SUPPOSED TO
POP THE BALLOONS AND BASICALLY THE SCENE IS DONE.
I DIDN'T KNOW MILAR BALLOONS DON'T POP.
FUN FACT, GUYS, THEY DON'T.
SO I HAD A HUGE HORSE, I HAD ALL THESE HUGE THINGS.
>> Stephen: A MILAR BALLOON HORSE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I LIKE IT.
AND WE WERE AT A SCENE AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PULL THEM
DOWN, PUNCH THEM ALL, THROW THEM AWAY AND WALK OUT.
AND I STARTED PUNCHING, AND THEN IT WENT, LIKE, I WAS WELL INTO A
MINUTE, I WAS IN A FULL FLOP SWEAT, AND NOW I'M LITERALLY
LIKE, OOOH!
I'M PUNCHING IT IN A WAY AT THE PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, OH, THIS IS
NOT GOING WELL.
AND I KEPT PUNCHING IT.
NOW I'M IN A PANIC.
I'M HOLDING THE BALLOON, STANDING STRAIGHT UP, SLAMMING
MYSELF ON THE GROUND AND BOUNCING OFF.
LIKE, IT WASN'T -- >> Stephen: TRYING TO GET IT
TO POP.
>> I'M INTO TWO MINUTES.
TWO AND A HALF MINUTES.
I'M WRITHING AROUND ON THE FLOOR.
AND NOW I'M ON MY KNEES AND LIKE A HORROR MOVIE WHEN SOMEONE
MOVES TOO FAST, I'M SLAMMING MYSELF DOWN ON THESE BALLOONS,
TRYING TO POP THEM.
WELL, EVENTUALLY, ONE POPPED AND I WAS LIKE, OH!
I WASN'T THINK ABOUT WHERE MY FACE WAS GOING.
SO I WENT LIKE THAT AND SLAMMED MY FACE INTO THE FLOORBOARDS OF
THE STAGE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) RIGHT?
>> Stephen: SURE.
I HAD TO SEE A SURGEON.
I WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO RESET
IT.
HE SAID, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN THAT ONE MORE TIME.
THEY HAD NURSES COME IN.
THEY ALL LISTENED TO THE STORY AND THEY WERE, LIKE, THAT'S
CRAZY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I HAVE STUFF UP MY NOSE, AND I WAS, LIKE, UH, I WAS TRYING TO
MAKE APONENT.
>> Stephen: STARS ARE MADE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
>> BAD DECISIONS, MILAR BALLOONS.
>> Stephen: AND WIGS.
YOU REALLY ROCK SOME FABULOUS WIGS HERE.
>> I JUST LOVE A WIG, GUYS!
I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY MOM SAN DIIN THAT ONE.
YOU PUT A WIG ON -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER TREATED YOURSELF
TO SOME TIME IN A WIG BUT DO IT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A VACATION FROM YOURSELF.
>> IT IS A VACATION TO YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: MY FRIEND HAS A HUGE WIG COLLECTION.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN COLLECTION?
>> I HAVE A LOT OF WIGS, AND I THINK, GENETICALLY, I MAY
HAVE -- I MAY HAVE PASSED DOWN MY LOVE OF WIGS TO MY GIRLS,
WHICH, ACTUALLY FILLS ME WITH PRIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOUR
GIRLS?
>> NOW THEY'RE EIGHT AND ELEVEN.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BUT THEY USED TO DO THIS THING WHEN THEY FIRST -- THEY
HAD A COUPLE OF KIND OF SHORT PERM MIDWESTERN GAL WIGS ON WHEN
THEY WERE PROBABLY MAYBE THREE AND SIX, AND WE USED TO PLAY
THIS GAME WHERE THEY WERE BARB AND CAROL, AND THEY WORKED
TOGETHER AT AN OFFICE, AND THEY HAD HAD IT!
SO WE GOT THEM -- WE HAD OLD TYPE WRITERS, PHONES, ALL THESE
FILES AND PENCILS, AND BEN AND I WERE, LIKE, OH, THIS ACTUALLY
GIVES US A MINUTE TO JUST SIT AND HANG OUT.
THEY WOULD BE DOWN THE HALLWAY, AND WE WOULD BE, LIKE, GIVE ME
THE MA GILL CUTTY FILE!
AND THEY WERE JUST GOING THROUGH FILES, AND THEY WOULD START
FIGHTING LIKE TWO OLDER WOMEN IN AN OFFICE, THEY'RE LIKE, BARB,
YOU'RE KILLING ME!
WHERE IS IT?
AND WE WOULD WAIT AND CHAT.
AND WHEN WE WOULD THINK THEY'RE DYING DOWN, THEY WOULD BE, LIKE,
GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, CAROL!
AND THEY WOULD START UP AND PLAY BARB AND CAROL WITH WIGS ON THAT
WERE WAY TOO BIG FOR THEIR HEADS AND I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT A
TEXAS DAD FEELS LIKE WHEN THEIR BOY PLAYS FOOTBALL.
BECAUSE I TRULY, WHEN THEY FIRST CAME OUT IN THE WIGS, I THOUGHT,
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
WE'VE GOT TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
WHEN WE COME BACK MORE MELISSA McCARTHY.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.