- Honey, merry Christmas. (audience laughing)
You wanna fool around?
Merry Christmas, no. (audience laughing)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- I fucking tried all of this shit.
You know, whenever she says that
to me though, I swear to God.
"I just don't understand, where is this coming from?
It actually hurts my feelings when she says that, you know?
'Cause it makes me feel like she's not listening to me.
(audience laughing)
It's like, honey, how many childhood stories
do I have to tell you before you follow the bread crumbs
to the absolute lunatic that you married?
(audience laughing)
Didn't you ever take a psychology class?
I'm not that complex.
Like, I'll tell you guys a quick,
I'll tell you a quick childhood story.
I'll tell you one of the funnier ones, right.
One time when I was like six my older brother was eight.
We were in the backseat of my dad's car
and we were like, laughing and we were excited
'cause it was around Christmas, right?
And my dad just had this thing.
He just didn't like joy, you know?
(audience laughing)
So he's sitting there driving.
He's going like, "Jesus Christ, knock it off back there!
"Christ, you're giggling like a couple little schoolgirls!
"Christ, you don't straighten up
"I'm gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!"
And then he did. (laughs) (audience laughing)
I swear to God, he made us hold 'em up.
My mother's taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree.
I'm just standing there like. (crying)
Afterwards I ran upstairs to my top bunk.
And my dad knew he fucked up.
To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over.
He's like, "All right, come on back down.
"It's over, come on down, enjoy the holiday!"
And I'm like, "I don't want any gifts!
"I fucking hate you," right?
He eventually coaxed me down.
You know, he softened up a little bit.
"Look, you don't get your fucking ass back downstairs
"no one else can open their gifts so move it out!
"I said move it out!" (audience laughing)
I go back downstairs all shell shocked.
"Here's another gift for you, Billy."
I'm like, "Is this a fucking doll house?
"When does it end?" (audience laughing)
Yeah, that was Christmas
and those were people that loved me.
(audience laughing)
- I asked my friend the other day, I'm like,
"What do you do for foreplay when you hook up with a girl?"
And he's like, "I don't know.
"I really like fucking on the couch.
"I think that's pretty cool." (audience laughing)
That's what they think.
They think as long as it's out of the bedroom that counts.
Fully penetrating a woman on a couch.
(audience laughing) Foreplay.
No, foreplay is, it's simple.
It's kissing, it's complements, it's going to therapy.
(audience laughing) It's just, work on yourself.
Whisper in my hear that you're ready
to address your anger with your dad and I'll fuck.
You'll get an alert on your phone about a flash flood
I'll get wet so fast.
(mimic alarm blaring) Evacuate caves.
Like, I can get wet.
I just, dry humping, man, I get turned on
just thinking about dry humping.
I could ride a knee into the God damn sunset.
Give me a knee.
A knee glad in denim and I can just get up on it.
(audience laughing)
Like Don Quixote up in this bitch.
I love dry humping.
I want to invent a move called the reverse Santa
where a girl just, they face you sitting down.
You get on their knee, you grind it out.
You tell them what you want for Christmas.
They call you a good girl and then you take a picture.
And that's (audience laughing)
coming to a mall near you this holiday season.
That's what I want. (audience applauds and cheers)
Just do stuff to us that isn't our vagina.
Like just keep it dry before its wet.
I think dry humping's great.
We all are wearing jeans now like this
that have like a seam, right where the seams meet
there's like a bump, it's called a clit nobbin.
That's the name that Levi Strauss gave it
in his blueprints for the original 501s.
(audience laughing)
But that's good, you use that and just,
that's a huge bump there.
He put it a little low 'cause every guy
thinks your clit is like where your hole is.
Just like, oh, he thought it was where the hole is
so you gotta hike it up.
And it is hard to locate a clit.
I don't mean to like, judge a guy for not knowing.
Sometimes I look down there, I'm like,
I don't know where the fuck that thing is hiding today.
Keep a little Post-it on it now it's easy.
(audience laughing) Easy to locate,
but you gotta be sucking clit.
Do you guys know about that?
Clit stuff's important, and sucking clit is where it's at.
I didn't know anything about sucking clit.
I would have done the same thing
that you guys do when you go down on us.
If I went down on a girl I would have done the same styles.
I would have just rubbed my face in it
until I hit something, like, that's good.
(audience laughing) I like that, keep that.
I do enjoy it.
It's like when I play video games.
I press all the buttons and I win.
It's like, just same logic. (audience laughing)
However, you gotta be sucking clit.
Let me tell you about this.
I didn't even know about sucking clit
until I got sent a toy that did it for me.
This woman had heard me talk a lot
about how for me to have an orgasm
I need like a lot of pressure, peer.
And so she's like, "You need the Womanizer."
And I was like, "Yeah, I've been trying
"to slide into John Mayer's DMs for a while now."
And I was like, "He writes LOL
"and then we just, it kind of peters off."
And she's like, "No, I'm talking about a tool."
And I was like, "Yeah, so am I."
But I guess he's, I like some of his songs.
And so... (audience laughing)
We had a little back and forth,
a little Who's on First and then she sent me this toy.
And it blew my mind because you put it over your clit
and it sucks your clit.
It has three settings.
It's low, medium, squirt and then it--
(audience laughing)
I swear to you, you can squirt.
I didn't think I could and now I know I can do anything.
(audience laughing) Like, we can do anything.
I never could squirt and I wanted to
'cause I think it's such a cool power move.
Like, to just dump a quart of water on a guy's bed
and be like, peace, and just like,
catch you on the flip, dude.
Like, nothing cooler than that to me.
(audience applauding)
No, it's like, sucking clit makes sense, dude.
It really does because clits and penises
and pretty much the same thing, like the same nerve endings.
So what you really need to treat it like
is like go down on a girl and suck her clit
like you would a tiny version of your penis, okay?
I know that feels weird to say and to even do,
but I swear to God if you go down there
and you just treat her clit you would your tiny,
little penis and you suck that tiny, little penis
you're gay, you're so gay!
That's the gayest shit I ever heard.
Why would you do that?
- I fucked up again Christmas.
I'm gonna tell you this story. (soft piano music)
I waited till the end of the night, the end of the night.
That's not good, guys.
My wife's already in bed, she's in bed, in bed
about to fall asleep and that's
when I decided to get romantic.
That's when I decided to just sneak into bed, you know,
going, "Honey. (audience laughing)
"Yes, it's you, it is you, okay, it is you, yes.
(audience laughing) "Good, good, good.
"Got that part.
"Honey, merry Christmas.
"You wanna fool around?
"It's Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, no." (audience laughing)
"But it's Christmas."
"I don't care."
"You don't have to do much."
(speaking in foreign language)
"What does that mean?"
"Thank you for the offer, no thank you,
"but thank you, thank you."
"Please." (audience laughing)
"Let me tell you about my day, okay?
"While you were still sleeping I got up
"and I finished wrapping the presents for the girls.
"And then while you were on your fucking phone
"I got the girls dressed for the party.
"And then when you're still on your fucking phone
"I prepared and cooked for the party.
"And then while we were opening up the presents
"and you were pretending to video tape
"but still secretly on your fucking phone
(audience laughing) "we opened up the presents.
"Then we played and then after I gave them a nice bath,
"read them a story, and had them go to sleep.
"And then I took a shower and now I'm ready to go to sleep.
"And now after all that you expect me
"to be excited to have sex with you
"so I have to take another fucking shower?"
(audience laughing)
(speaking in foreign language) (audience laughing)
"It could have been over by now.
(audience laughing) "Seriously.
"It could have easily been over, I mean, seriously.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) "Before the whole part about, like, shower,
"I would have been over by that whole part.
(audience laughing)
"I swear, within half of that."
(speaking in foreign language)
Uh-uh. (audience laughing)
So I'll be honest.
I was a little high, but it was medical.
Ow, oh, oh, it was medical, I needed it.
(upbeat instrumental music)