Oh guys, we are so fucking excited.
It's the 10 year anniversary of Nostalgia Critic,
-No we're not! -But because of that we have to watch, well usually when I do like a newer movie...
I try to have a nostalgic connection if possible, but so many people wanted us to see...
Norm of the North, so we're finally going to do that one. We are...
(Musically) SO EXCITED!
SO.....SCARED!
What's this, Jessie? Drugs?
Drugs! I Need it! I need my 'Norm of the North!'
-I wish we're watching that. Okay, um... -God... -We don't want to do this but we have to.
Lets just do it.
No. Yeah. No.
Let's just get this over with!
It's the fourth animated Titanic movie!
I don't think this movie is gonna be worthy of this score.
This whole movie is like first draft Disney sidekicks and they said "Nah, that's too stupid.Put it in 'Norm of the North'.
(Norm)Any last words before I eat you?
(Seal) BORK BORK
-How is it the bear can talk but the seal can't? -Well then why'd you ask him if there's any last words? -Yeah!
Don't identify with your victim. That's also good for Rob Schneider.
Don't identify with your victims; you won't want to make any more movies.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A BAD COMMERCIAL.
Like that one of these bears is going to pull out toilet paper any second and be like " Enjoy the go!"
(Norm) I didn't ask for this? What is wrong with me?(whining like a toddler)
Yeah, I'm gonna say it's not that hard to see why Rob Schneider picked this film, every line is like: "What's wrong with me?"
Don't believe the haters!
(Putting on best Rob Schneider voice)"Finally a positive message for ME!"
It looks like-you know how when you see a good animated film is like "Wow, you're in a different world"?
-I just feel like I'm in a program. -It does look like a screen saver.
They look like those stupid little animated gifs from back like in the early 2000's like the dancing gerbils.
What am I watching?
Killer whales should not be sexy. That is a sin against nature!
I like how they're "Ha ha, a dancing, talking bear" and not "Holy shit! A dancing talking bear!"
Superman used to live there, but they found they were shooting 'Norm of the North' and went...
"Nope", picked up the house and moved away.
-She looks like one of those little porcelain dolls that's going to eat you in your nightmares. -They all look like that.
You know this movie killed more kids than choking hazards in toys?
Actually this film itself is a choking hazard, a number of toddlers tried to swallow their own tongues while watching this.
(Film)"Au Revoir" as they say in France, and some parts of Canada!
French-Canadian Joe. I gotta admit. I don't hear those often.
Plus one for originality, minus three for not being fun.
Kid, you don't need to sit that close to the screen, those glasses should do the fucking trick!
You should be able to see on the moon. She's going to be legally blind by the time she's 15!
We're gonna be legally blind by the time this movie's over.
I'd pay good money though, if they run into the Iron Giant's head somewhere in there.
He'd completely like laser blasts the polar bear and then we follow his head back and it turns out,
It was all a con. It's an 'Iron Giant' sequel at last!
Sherman from "Peabody and Sherman" at a sex change. So young. Didn't you have a feeling? Didn't you have a feeling? I got a feeling.
-Good for them. -Yeah, good, really good for them, they discovered who they are.
-The Sims had better animation than this. -I'm sorry, I blinked for a second. What's happening?
I don't know. That guy is a stereotype, I just don't know of what.
Yeah I don't know what yet. I'm afraid if I get it right, then I'll be contributing to that stereotype,
-So I don't want to guess. -This movie's so bad,
it can't even be offensive because it doesn't even know how!
Actually everything in this movie looks like it wants to eat me except the actual animal who would want to eat me.
-Peeing lemmings, because this is where we are as a species right now. -We're not worth saving.
Again, It's like the movement of this guy could be funny, it's like they're onto something, but they're not talented!
They need to be talented to make this work!
Stop that!
This movie sucks.
(on screen) Sorry Mr.. Green. I was just keeping it real.
It's gone! There's only Norm now! Oh what a shock, something stupid's happening.
FUCK!
So dancing that's like... the thing...
(Rob screams into his palms)
Wait wait wait! But he's the guy with the gun! Why...
Why would their approval ratings be up?
I swear she said "cancer woman".
-Did you hear that? I heard "cancer woman". -Honestly my ears stopped functioning?
They've been tuning this movie out. All I hear whenever these people open their mouths is just
(rob makes static noises)
You know, let's just imagine that we didn't turn the sound on would you be able to follow this story?
Like Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, you know you'd be able to follow it,
But it's like this, I would have no idea what's going on.
Every sound I make of this movie is kinda like the No Face from "Spirited Away".
I'm going more Tina from "Bob's Burgers".
(Both moan)
And then occasionally when it gets really creepy
Ha. Ha. Ha.
(on screen) Sometimes I wish she wasn't so good at her job. If it meant she got to spend more time with me.
Oh, this dumbass...Christ! Christ!
You just know at this point, this is playing to an empty house.
There's like, two theater attendants making out in the back...
And even they are getting disgusted and it's like: "Can we find a better movie to do this?"
(On screen) Norm of the North!
How did they justify the name? Do they think his name is 'Norma' and his last name is 'the North', is that it works?
No, I got it. This is one of those fake trailers that plays before "Tropic Thunder". This isn't a real movie.
-It would be amazing if at the very end of it Andy Kaufman just steps out. -"I was alive the whole time guys"!
-"That's right, I was alive. This is all one big punk. Thank you very much!" -I would call this the greatest movie ever made if that happened.
It would be trolling to 11. I would have paid good money if they had to mo-cap this entire movie.
-To get the essence of Schneider. -Man, her genes must have beat the shit out of her husband's genes, because good God...
-That's like identical. -Yeah. -She is just so quickly invested in all of this,
it's like they barely got chance to know each other. It's like. "We're besties now", like when did that happen?
I don't even know your last name!
Honestly, I had a talking polar bear suddenly show up and be like "hey. Let's be friends." I'd be like "okay".
-But if it had the voice of Rob Schneider? -Well, no, then I'd kick it in the crotch.
Do it. I can't do it!
Almost there Rob, we're almost there.
I think. God I hope so.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Remember when they said he was a poet and he did poetry?
I love how that all worked into his character and story. Like he said he was a poet and then he danced?
That- that tied together very well. E=MC2 because geek!
Cuz when geeks find that out they're like: "Oh my God gotta put it on the wall!"
(To the tune of Gilligan's Island)The movie started getting dumb. it was never good from the start.
The perfect Norm.
Hey, isn't it cool that they have like this love interest who did so much?
Yeah. There's like so many things that started then they got shelled off. It was like "oh yeah, they were in the movie".
(Doug as Norm)"Time to go back and write my poetry!"
Ohhhhhhhh noooooo!
Rob Schneider had sex!
(Wailing)
Yeah, they actually abandon them there.
(Rob moans)
(Rob gags)
"Directed"
everything needs to be in quotes. "Screenplay by", "Produced by"
(Doug growls)
Sucks. Sucks! Ow! Sucked!
Oh God...
(Doug growls)
Just what the hell?
It's just like, all this, it's just "stupid shit stupid shit". It's about this, no now it's about this. Stupid shit.
(Doug controls his anger)
(Rob doesn't)
No, sir. I didn't like it.
This was clearly draft one. There's was no rewrite just the first thing they wrote.
The worst is in my top 10? No, but that might be my top 15.
-There's an almost confidence to it, to have like- -No there's isn't!
-This animation is terrible! -Compared to like "FoodFight!" or something like that where there really is no confidence,
-That is- Well okay- -or "The Christmas Tree", or whatever where there really is no confidence.
-All you did was merely did was say "Well compared to rock bottom..." -Yes!
-We have seen rock bottom. I wouldn't put top 15. Maybe top 30. -This has no right being in the cinema. None.
This is a Direct-To-DVD...
Like and not even that, and this should be in the bargain bin, direct to the bargain bin DVD.
So, OK, that's about it guys.
It's bad. Don't go see it.
Fuck you for making me watch that!
Bye.
Fu-