YOU KNOW FOLKS >> Stephen: AS I SAID BEFORE,
WE ARE DAYS AWAY FROM THE IOWA CAUCUSES.
CANDIDATES ARE SWARMING THE STATE TO SEE WHAT VOTERS HAVE TO
SAY.
I WANT TO BE IN IOWA MYSELF.
I HAVE TWO PROBLEMS -- ONE, I HAVE A SHOW TO DO EVERY NIGHT
AND, TWO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO IOWA IN JANUARY.
COME FEBRUARY, HOLD ME BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LUCKILY, FOR YEARS, TEAM
COLBERT HAS BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY NEW TECHNOLOGY
THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOTELY APPEAR ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
IT'S CALLED THE ASCOMATIC.
WE TAKE A TRASH PHUKET AND AFFIX TO IT AN iPad, WITH HOT GLUE
TECHNOLOGY.
THEN WE GET ONE OF MY STAFFERS, GABE -- GABE, COME ON OUT HERE.
HI, GABE.
>> HI, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS.
>> YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: WE PUT THE BUCKET -- HOLD ON -- ON GABE'S
HEAD.
IS THAT COMFORTABLE?
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: NEXT, TAKE A SECOND BUCKET AND, INSIDE OF
THIS BUCKET, I'VE GLUED AN iPhone IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TURN ON FaceTime, THERE YOU GO, PLACE
THIS BUCKET OVER MY HEAD -- AND VOILA!
NOW I'M OVER THERE!
( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL THAT
THAT'S NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.
HERE, I'LL PROVE IT.
WHO HAS TWO THUMBS IN STEPHEN COLBERT'S FACE?
THIS GUY.
( APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, THIS PROPRIETARY BUCKET
TECHNOLOGY IS SO EFFECTIVE THAT THIS WEEK I USED IT TO GO TO
IOWA WITHOUT EVER LEAVING MY COUCH.
JIM.
>> AHH... DES MOINES, IOWA, IN MID-WINTER.
YOU CAN FEEL THE CAUCUS EXCITEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
EVERY FOUR YEARS, JOURNALISTS AND CANDIDATES SUDDENLY CARE
ABOUT IOWA, SO THEY FLOCK TO THE ONE PLACE THAT WILL DECIDE THE
FUTURE OF OUR REPUBLIC.
A DES MOINES DINER.
LET'S GO TALK TO SOME VOTERS!
>> STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL DAY.
>> Stephen: VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE PHYSICALLY WITH YOU
PHYSICALLY, ME HERE IN THIS DINER WITH YOU, IN IOWA.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO CAUCUS FOR?
>> ELIZABETH WARREN, POSSIBLY.
>> BIDEN, BECAUSE OF HIS EXPERIENCE.
>> I'M A YANG GANGER.
>> NOT SURE YET, I'M UNDECIDED.
>> STEPHEN: IOWA VOTER, CAN I ASK YOU AN IMPORTANT QUESTION?
ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> MY NAME IS MIDGE.
>> STEPHEN: MIDGE, THAT IS THE MOST IOWA NAME I CAN THINK OF.
>> IT IS.
I'M NOT FROM IOWA, BUT...
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE NOT?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> PHILLY.
>> STEPHEN: AND WHY DID YOU COME TO IOWA?
WERE YOU FLEEING THE POLICE?
>> HUH?
>> STEPHEN: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE
IN THE MIDDLE EAST THESE DAYS?
I KNOW WE HAVE THE AUTHORIZATION OF FORCE FROM 2002, BUT THE
LANDSCAPE AND PEOPLE HAVE REALLY CHANGED, AND I GUESS MY QUESTION
IS-- AM I A CARTOON MOUSE RIGHT NOW?
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE CARTOON MOUSE FILTER.
>> YOU ARE.
>> STEPHEN: DAMMIT.
>> STEPHEN: AS A NATIVE IOWAN, WHAT ISSUES ARE MOST IMPORTANT
TO YOU...
I'M...
BUFF-ERR-- ING...
I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
>> YES, YOU ARE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OH, HOLD ON I NEED
TO RECHARGE MY BATTERY.
(SNORES) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, ONE, TWO,
THREE.
GO!
WHOO!
(CHEERS) >> YOU GOT ME.
>> STEPHEN: GOOD EFFORT THOUGH, MAN.
IT WORKED!
I WAS MEETING IOWA VOTERS FROM THE COMFORT OF MY COUCH.
MEANWHILE, SOME OF THE DEMOCRATIC FRONT RUNNERS
COULDN'T BE THERE BECAUSE THEY WERE STUCK IN THE SENATE FOR THE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
I AM GUESSING THAT IS PRETTY FRUSTRATING.
IS IT, ELIZABETH WARREN?
>> IT IS.
I WISH I COULD BE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AT THE DINER.
>> STEPHEN: BUT YOU KIND OF ARE, THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TECHNOLOGY!
YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE IN IOWA AND IN WASHINGTON.
ISN'T IT AMAZING?
>> ALL SORT OF AMAZING.
>> STEPHEN: IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU COULD COME TO IOWA AND SEND
SOMEONE WITH A BUCKET ON THEIR HEAD TO THE SENATE?
>> I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD MEET MY CONSTITUTIONAL
RESPONSIBILITIES, BUT I APPRECIATE YOUR THINKING OF ME.
>> STEPHEN: I'M JUST TRYING TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX FOR YOU.
OR, INSIDE THE BOX FOR YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: WITH THE USE OF OUR PATENTED BUCKET-HEAD TECHNOLOGY,
SENATOR WARREN WAS ABLE TO INTERACT ONE-ON-ONE WITH IOWA
VOTERS.
>> GOOD MORNING!
OH, THE PANCAKES LOOK GOOD.
>> STEPHEN: HAVE YOU MET SENATOR WARREN BEFORE?
>> NO, BUT I'VE SEEN YOU IN THE DEBATES.
>> STEPHEN: EVERY CANDIDATE WHO COMES TO THE WAVELAND ADDS THEIR
NAME TO THE FAMOUS WALL OF SIGNATURES.
REMEMBER, YOUR NAME IS ELIZABETH WARREN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
CAN YOU SPELL IT?
>> Stephen: YES.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, SENATOR!
HAVE A GREAT DAY IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIALS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE IS ON THEIR PHONES, IT
WAS NICE TO BE ABLE TO TALK FACE-TO-FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW WE JUST MET, BUT COULD I
GET A HUG?
>> YES!
>> Stephen: AH, YEAH.
UH-HUH!
>> STEPHEN: YOU SEE, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WANTS US TO
FOCUS ON OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT IN PERSON, WE CAN RECOGNIZE OUR
COMMON HUMANITY.
>> Stephen: NICE TO MEET YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND, REALLY, ISN'T
THAT WHAT DEMOCRACY IS ALL ABOUT?
TALKING TO PEOPLE IN THE DINER IS GREAT, BUT I WANTED TO GET
OUT THERE AND MEET PEOPLE FROM EVERY CORNER OF THE HAWKEYE
STATE.
KEEP WALKING, GABE, I'VE GOT TO GET MY STEPS IN.
FASTER!
RUN UP THOSE STAIRS.
RUN UP THEM.
HERE WE GO!
COME ON!
( SINGING ) WHERE IS EVERYONE, GABE?
>> IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE, STEPHEN.
>> STEPHEN: I'M PERFECTLY WARM.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WE DON'T KNOW YET WHO WILL
WIN THE IOWA CAUCUS, IT FEELS ENERGIZING TO BE HERE IN DES
MOINES, AT THE HEART OF THE ACTION.
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, IN THESE DAYS OF ELECTRONIC DISCONNECTION, I
THINK IT'S EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAT...
WAIT A SECOND, WHERE AM I?
GABE?
WHERE DID YOU PUT ME?
GABE?
I AM SCARED.
GAAAAABE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SAMANTHA BEE.