Hey everyone, it's Hasan Minhaj.
Now that Patriot Act is on break,
I really don't know what to do with myself.
I mean, you guys know this:
my entire life is just hand gestures and LED screens.
So, with all my free time,
I’ve actually just been scrolling
through job listings on the internet –
just so I could find something to do.
And I came across this open call
for a graphic designer at the CIA.
This is 100% real – I’m not making this up.
They’re looking for a graphic designer at the CIA.
So, I decided to apply.
Now, you’re probably thinking,
“Hasan, you can’t work at the CIA. You’re not qualified.”
Trust me.
Muslims and the CIA –
we’re like this.
“After 9/11,
the NYPD actually brought in two senior officials from the CIA
to run a program to spy on its own citizens.”
“They visited bookstores. They visited cafes.
They visited hookah joints and, of course, they visited mosques.”
Some people saw this and were horrified.
They were like, “Wait.
The CIA is spying on us?”
But I saw this and I was like,
“I can go to the Mosque and get paid?”
Usually I'm donating money.
I didn’t know I could make it back.
I am telling you I'm gonna get this job.
I don't want to be cocky,
but the CIA loves brown people.
Just look at one of their recruitment videos
from their website.
“Now, you might have thought that all CIA employees
are men who went to Ivy League schools.
But,
nothing could be further from the truth.
Diversity really works at the CIA.
I’ve been able to combine my education and my heritage
as an economic analyst whose focus is middle eastern affairs.”
Look how optimistic he is, he’s like,
“You know what man, the CIA just
cares so much about my heritage.
They even had me wear a wire around my dad.
They just love Iranian culture.”
So, the job posting says they are looking for someone who can
“shape and lead solutions
to data visualization
in an increasingly complex
and changing technological environment.”
CIA,
have you seen our show?
“15.5.%”
“463%.”
“Thirty grand.”
“3,000 miles!”
“168.”
“1 trillion dollars.”
“Nine.”
Alright, let’s get down to business.
For the application,
the CIA wants five examples of my graphic design work.
And you guys know me – I’m an overachiever.
So, for my first three samples –
I’m going to devote them
to the CIA’s long history of enhanced interrogation.
Fun fact: in 2005,
the CIA destroyed a bunch of tapes depicting torture.
I don't know why.
So, I did my best to recreate what was allegedly on those tapes
using minimalism and primary colors.
Almost like an airline safety brochure.
Let’s take a look at some of my work.
So, over here we’ve got
‘putting bags over people’s heads.’
Now, for clarity
I added a speech bubble right here
where the guy’s screaming:
“What about the Geneva convention?”
We've also got them putting someone in a small box
for hours on end.
Now, if you look at the colors on the box, they’re great.
And you can also just see—
just the fear in his eyes as he’s going into the box
'cause you know he’s never going to see his family again.
And of course,
I just captured their signature move:
waterboarding.
Now, to the rest of the world,
this is considered torture and it’s illegal.
But to the CIA,
this is just a teambuilding exercise.
It’s kind of like their trust fall.
They're like, “Trust us,
you're not actually drowning.”
So, for my next two samples,
I decided to give CIA.gov a complete makeover.
Specifically,
The CIA "Kids’ Zone,”
which is a part of their website
with games and puzzles,
apparently for children.
‘Cause we all remember growing up and hearing our moms go,
“Hey, if you finish your homework,
you can go to CIA.gov backslash kids’ page.”
And you’d be like, “Really, Mom?”
And she’d be like, “Only for an hour!”
A lot of the games feature this CIA agent character named Ava,
who looks like a cross between Carmen Sandiego and The Babadook.
They have these coloring books
where Ava’s doing things like
boarding a plane,
or standing outside of CIA headquarters,
which is objectively boring.
Come on, CIA.
If you want to get kids excited about your organization –
You gotta give 'em the real shit.
So, I wanted to show off my work–
So, these are a couple of things that I’ve done by hand:
This, over here
is Ava getting a forced confession
at an undisclosed black site in Thailand.
So, Ava’s got the power drill ‘cause we know she’s a badass.
But she’s holding it up to this guy’s knee like
*drill sound effects*
And then this guy over here is like, “Please! I’m innocent!”
And Ava’s like, “I know!”
And then this is Gabe over here.
Gabe is an intern. He goes to NYU.
He’s getting college credit for this.
Now, the sad thing is– is Gabe thinks he can use this on his reel
but they’re gonna probably destroy this tape later
‘cause it’s torture.
Also, if you look at his face,
there’s just anxiety in the lower region of his mouth
because he doesn’t know if he’s in Thailand
or if he’s in Guantanamo Bay.
Kids can go crazy.
Uh, this is my next one.
So, this one right here is a personal passion project of mine.
This is Ava
trying to recruit some informants
at a mosque in New York.
So, as you can see right here,
Ava’s in the back of the mosque–
She’s very enterprising.
She’s in the male section of the mosque during prayer.
I told you guys – Ava’s a badass.
Now, Ava knows that she can’t break this guy.
This is Abdullah.
Abdullah’s a real believer.
Look how I made his mouth –
his mouth is like a little bead,
like, “Hm, I’m not saying anything.”
Boom, she scans over here and she sees this kid.
He’d crack for a can of soda.
She’s like, “Ali, I have a Pepsi!”
And he’s like, “Please! I’ll do anything for a Pepsi!”
Look at his eyes.
He’s like, “Give me Pepsi!”
So that’s real fun and it’s aesthetically pleasing.
And that's really what the CIA Kids’ Zone is all about.
So that’s my portfolio!
Just so you guys know –
I wanna spread the love.
The job listing is still live,
so go to the video description below
and the link so you can apply will be right there.
Or you can just walk into your local mosque
and just start reading your resume out loud.
someone who looks like Ava will tap you on the shoulder –
She’ll have a shoe-phone –
And she’ll say,
“Can I see your portfolio?”