- I was talking to a friend recently
about some struggles that she's been having,
and it was glaringly obvious to me...
Girl, you are in a toxic friendship.
- Really, how can you tell?
- Well, let's review our conversation, shall we?
(electronic sound)
Pause.
Play.
- Any time I try and tell her that she's hurt my feelings,
she flips out and can't hear it.
She gets defensive and starts crying.
I just stopped telling her,
and I think I'm getting resentful.
- See, you're walking on eggshells.
- Yeah, but she's just really sensitive.
- Oh, is she?
Fast forward.
(audio speeds forward)
- And then she made a joke at my expense
in front of everyone.
She kept putting me down the whole night,
and it just felt like shit.
Yeah.
- Do you need more?
Rewind.
(audio speeds backwards)
- I don't know what's up with her,
she just has a tendency to do that.
And any time it's a big life event for me,
she just ruins my night.
- Fast forward.
(audio speeds forward)
And she was like, "Oh, when did he send you the DM?"
And was like, "Oh, he sent me a DM 20 minutes earlier,"
and I was like, "Girl, why are you competing with me?
You know I like this guy, and you're married."
- Rewind.
(audio speeds backwards)
- Whenever the conversation turns to me,
she just stops listening.
- Girl, you are in a toxic friendship.
- I don't know.
- I'm not speculating here, I'm just mirroring back
what you shared about your experience with her.
And what I've heard is that she consistently puts you down,
crosses your boundaries, refuses to take accountability
whenever she's hurt your feelings,
and you self-betray in order to appease her.
And according to you, this behavior is a pattern.
So now, any bare minimum thing she does,
like apologizes without sincerity,
or compliments you, or doesn't ruin your night with drama
is enough to make you stay inside of the friendship
and think she's getting better.
- Holy shit.
You're right.
- It's harder to spot a toxic friendship when you're in one,
and I feel like it takes me at least a year or so
to stop thinking up excuses for the other person's
bad behavior and actually start communicating,
like, "Hey, this is an underlying problem
we need to solve, otherwise the friendship needs to end."
And don't get me wrong, I have been the toxic one before,
and it took me a while to realize,
"Oh, I'm being awful because of feelings of jealousy,
or insecurity, or because I'm emotionally immature
and I haven't confronted my shit."
There are also, in addition to all this stuff,
much more subtle signs that someone is toxic
that I never even really noticed.
Like, they secretly copy you.
- Oh, so you randomly adopted five cats.
- You inspired me!
- Oh my god, you have my tattoo.
- Oh (Anna laughs) I totally forgot you had it.
- Oh, so you're dating my ex boyfriend?
- Yeah, recycle, reuse, I love vintage.
They gossip about you and reveal things
that you told them in confidence.
(whispers)
- Oh my god, Anna didn't.
- She did!
(Anna gasps)
- They're jealous of your other friends.
Hey baby girl, let's go to dinner.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I have plans
with my high school friend.
- Oh, that's weird.
- Is it?
- Yeah, you have other friends?
- I mean, yeah.
- But you have me.
- Yeah, well, I met this person in high school, so.
- Why do you need to catch up with them?
High school's over.
You're in an entirely different phase of your life now,
you've evolved.
- I mean, yeah, I guess, but-
- I think you should cancel and come to dinner with me.
And sometimes the sabotaging can be very nuanced,
like a good friend will often show up
as the adult observer for you.
Whereas someone who doesn't have
your best interest at heart...
Ugh I have soccer practice, but I feel so hung over.
- Girl, just skip it.
- What, I can't, we have a match coming up.
- Sleep in, who cares!
- I could get kicked off the team.
- Girl, if they're gonna kick you off the team
for missing one practice, then clearly you're not
a player they value.
Ooh, let's go to brunch and get mimosas.
- Ooh, that sounds really good.
The good news is, toxic friendships are very multifaceted
and unique, so the symptoms of one
could just be all over the place.
You could be terrified that one mistake
will end the friendship, or instead of communicating,
they can just make passive aggressive comments,
whereas some are obsessively needy,
and others are avoidant in your time of need.
I think the most important thing you can do
when you're in a toxic friendship,
or you're worried you might be in one
is to give the other person a chance to fix things.
Have a hard conversation.
It sucks, but communicate.
And their response to your needs and your feelings,
how well they hear you and adjust their behavior,
or not, is gonna be the information you need
to determine if this friendship can be salvaged,
or if it's better for both of you to just disengage.
And look, these kinds of friendships
can always be revived, people change, and grow, and learn.
In instances where I was the toxic person,
I've grown and then rekindled with certain people,
and apologized, and now I know better.
So, give the person a chance to change,
and if they ultimately can't rise to the occasion,
then they're just not your tribe right now my friend.
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons
who supported today's video.
And as always, thank you to my daddy, Squarespace,
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(Anna laughs)