All right, to help me with today's exam,
please welcome our new nightly show optics expert,
real-life eye surgeon and Kentucky senator Rand Paul.
(cheers and applause)
All right. Welcome to the show, Rand.
Have a seat.
(cheers and applause)
Our crowd. Oh, yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks. Uh, thanks for taking the time
to be on our... our... being our Nightly Show optics expert.
Okay, so, uh, I mean, I assumed
you'd be too busy with the presidential debates.
And I'm gonna be, like, a correspondent, right?
Uh, Larry, you're breaking up a little bit. Could you...?
-WILMORE: No, no, no, you're sitting right here. -No?
Oh, I'm right here being the... Okay.
WILMORE: Yeah. Exactly. Uh, okay, so...
(laughs)
So, now, as an eye surgeon, uh...
uh, what's your take on Donald Trump?
-(laughter) -Well, you know, Larry,
have you ever had a speck of dirt fly into your eye?
Yeah, I mean, that's really annoying, yup.
-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.
Annoying, irritating.
Might even make you cry.
(laughter)
Sure. Sure. I'm with you.
-But if the dirt doesn't go away... -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
...it'll keep scratching away at your cornea
until it eventually blinds you with all its filth, and then,
it makes fun of you on CNN.
(laughter)
Think you got a little personal in there, uh...
I got it. So you're saying the eye is a conservative voter,
and Donald Trump is the speck of dirt, right?
-No, Larry. -WILMORE: Uh-uh?
Donald Trump is a delusional narcissist
and an orange-faced windbag.
-(laughter and groaning) -WILMORE: Huh.
(applause and cheering)
WILMORE: Yeah?
A speck of dirt is way more qualified to be president.
-(applause and cheering) -Well said.
Our new correspondent, Rand Paul, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you. You're breaking up a bit, Larry.
-WILMORE: No, you don't have to do that. -Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, thanks for having fun with us.
Do you have time to answer a couple questions, actually?
That-that was very good. Did you have fun doing it?
If... Are they easy... easy questions? -Very easy questions.
-All right, all right. -Uh, this is very easy.
Why are you running in the Republican Party?
I don't understand that.
I mean, you're pro-weed.
-Uh, you're like... -No, no, no.
-I'm just not anti-weed. -No, you're pro-weed. You're...
No, no, no, I'm just not anti-weed.
-No, no. No, no, no, no, no. -Okay. Whatever you say.
You-you help people with their glaucoma.
-You're pro-weed, right? Okay. -(laughter)
Anti-prison industrial complex.
You've talked, uh, very eloquently about prison reform.
Is there, like, a middle ground
-of people that you're looking for... -Well...
...that aren't Republican, aren't Democrat?
Are there people in there? Like, huge...?
There are people from both sides that we're trying to get.
Yeah. Okay.
From the right, there are people who believe in economic liberty.
From the left, there are people who believe in personal liberty.
And really what we're trying to do is join liberty together
to say, you know what? Across the board,
-government ought to stay out of your life. -WILMORE: Uh-huh.
Jeb Bush said he'd go back in time and kill baby Hitler, okay?
Um, would you go back in time
and stop baby Trump from being born?
(laughter)
You know, I'm not sure I would say that Trump is Hitler.
-Goebbels maybe. -WILMORE: I'm not saying that.
Goebbels maybe, but I'm not saying Hitler.
-I'm not going there. -Really? So, you're really...
You're going there, then.
No, no, no. I've said he wasn't Hitler.
-WILMORE: No, you just went there. -No, no, no, I...
I steadfastly said he was not Hitler, but maybe Goebbels.
But I have seriously compared him to Gollum
from The Lord of the Rings.
Yes, I understand where Gollum is from, right.
-You know, "My precious." -Yes.
You know, the ring, the ring of power.
That's very scary what you just did, by the way.
-Yeah, I know. I know. -(laughter)
-But what I've been trying to tell people... -Yes.
-What worries most about Trump... -What is that?
...other than all of the other crazy things
is that I believe that he wants power, and I believe,
from my point of view, that power corrupts,
and that the whole purpose of our founding fathers
and our country was to contain power.
The Constitution was to restrain the size of government...
-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. -...and keep power at a minimum.
And I don't want power to gravitate
to a Republican or a Democrat.
-Yes, go ahead. -(applause and cheering)
You are certainly your own candidate.
You don't... you don't seem to follow any side.
You follow your own path, and I think that's really something.
All right, are you ready to play Keep It 100?
To answer a Keep It 100 question?
-That. Okay. -(applause and cheering)
-PAUL: Was I really good at this game? -Yes. No.
-You have to do this. -Oh, yeah.
You have to keep your answer 100% real.
Ready? Okay, other than Donald Trump--
you can't mention Trump, okay--
who is the biggest dick
of all the GOP candidates right now?
And I know you have an answer.
Larry, I think you're breaking up here.
-Um, can you, uh, help us, uh...? -WILMORE: Who is it?
-Come on. Who is it? -(audience shouting out)
You know, before...
Just say Ted Cruz. Just say it.
He's the biggest tool, right?
Just say, "Ted Cruz is a tool, Larry."
-Yeah. -Just say that.
-See, before we came on here... -Just say, Ted Cruz is a tool.
Please, just say it. Just say it, damn it! Just say it!
Before we came on here...
-Before... before... -WILMORE: Just say Ted Cruz is a tool.
-Ah. -Rand Paul, everybody! 135 00:04:46,052 --> 00:00:00,000 -That's all we got. -(applause and cheering)