- Don't you dare hang up that (bleep) phone, okay?
- [Man] Why shouldn't I?
- What if I wanted the Vegas package?
You know what, I want the Vegas package.
- [Man] Sure you do.
(phone beeping) - What?
You mother (bleep)!
- [Narrator] Please don't call.
(phone ringing)
(man laughing)
- This is all about Susie Diaz.
It's Susie Diaz's party, Susie Diaz's running the show,
I'm just gonna show up.
If she needs me to bring beer or something,
(intense music) I'm more than happy to do...
Dude.
Oh my God.
A woman just fainted.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Ma'am.
Ma'am!
(intense music)
(phone ringing) (suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
- 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
- Yes.
I'm on the corner of 5th and Metropolitan
and I just came across this woman
and she just passed out on the sidewalk here.
- Okay.
And is she responsive, sir?
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
Okay.
Sir, is she responsive?
Sir?
- No.
- [Operator] Sir, if you can hear me.
- She's not responsive.
She's beautiful.
(dramatic music)
- That is not relevant to this emergency, sir.
An ambulance is on its way.
In the meantime, I need you to check her pulse, sir.
- Check her pulse?
Right, check her pulse.
Okay.
(dramatic music)
- Does she have a pulse, sir?
- She does, but her skin is so soft.
- Sir.
- She doesn't have on a ton of makeup,
but she's the kind of girl that just doesn't need it.
- Sir.
- And you can see that she put a lot
of thought into her outfit,
but not like she's trying too hard.
She's perfect.
- Sir, may I remind you that you have not
spoken a word to this woman.
I need you to see if she's breathing.
- Yeah.
Okay, hold on.
(dramatic music)
- Sir, I need you to stay on track.
- Okay, she's not breathing.
The love of my life is not breathing!
You gotta save my baby!
- Do you know how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- Yes, I do.
- Okay.
I need you to administer that now.
- Okay, okay.
(man panting)
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music) No, no.
I can't do it.
It's disrespectful.
I have to be respectful for her.
- Sir!
This is the only time it's okay
to put your mouth on an unconscious woman.
Do it.
- I just didn't picture it happening this way.
There's butterflies in my stomach.
(man hyperventilating)
I don't wanna mess this up!
It's so rare for it to find me!
- Sir, if you can hear me, an ambulance is on its way.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - I need you to calm down.
- Oh gosh, my head. - Sir.
- I'm so lightheaded. - Sir, stay with me.
- This is what it feels like to be in love!
- [Operator] Stay with me, sir!
- What it must feel like when you find the...
- Sir, are you there?
(phone beeping)
(intense music)
(phone ringing)
- 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
- There's an attractive, confident,
well-to-do Black man.
He just passed out right here on the street!
- Okay ma'am, listen very carefully.
I'm going to need you to marry him.
- Okay.
Shouldn't I give him like mouth-to-mouth first?
- Yeah, girl.
Get you some.
Shoot.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Skymall Magazine.
This is Riyaz speaking.
- Hello, Riyaz.
I would like to report an item,
which I ordered, that arrived broken.
- Wendell Sanders, Mockingbird Lane?
- That's right.
- I am showing the last item that
you have received is the Superman bed
with the mattress of solitude?
- That's the one.
Ordered it for my son for his birthday,
but I cannot give it to him like this
and I'm pretty darn tootin' pissed about it.
- I'm really sorry, sir.
I will start processing your reorder
right now with you on the line, okay?
- I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.
It's just the system, I know.
- Okay.
Thank you for understanding, sir.
Kids, eh?
- Huh?
Oh.
Well, yeah.
I just got the one myself.
Had sex with a woman and everything to get 'em.
How long is this gonna-
- What is your son's name?
- Oh.
Stimpy.
Pretty much Stimpy.
- I have boys, too.
I tell you, sometimes they can be a real
couple of you know whats.
- (bleep) ass (bleep).
You're preaching to the choir, Riyaz.
Stimpy, don't you give me that look!
You're gon' get it when your mama comes home!
- Oh my.
Sounds like your wife is-
- Bitch on wheels?
You got that straight, Riyaz.
Hot little biscuit, though.
Name's Claire.
Body, 10, face, 10, so pretty much hit that every night.
Sexually.
Anyway, what's holding up?
- One more minute.
And how old is your son?
- 15.
And he still wants a Superman bed?
A late bloomer.
Enjoy it while you still can.
He'll grow out of the toys any day now.
They all do.
And the second he starts hooking up with the girls,
he'll forget all about that Superman and Spiderman stuff.
(Riyaz chuckling)
- Pretty much seems like how it would happen.
Maybe then he'll stop bothering me
with all those stupid little facts
about how those characters you just named
are clearly from two distinct and separate universes!
- Sadly, some people never move on.
- Sad?
I got a better word for you, pathetic.
- Well, I wouldn't say pathetic.
- Aye!
I calls 'em likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,
and I don't tolerate nerds.
In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick.
Stimpy!
Stimpy, get back in here!
- Well, I didn't mean to-
- There you are with your round body
and your creepy ass face!
No more sweets for you 'cause you're
never gonna get laid if you keeps eating sweets!
And another thing!
(sad piano music)
All these figurines and toys you got around the house,
we're throwing them in the trash
'cause they're not real people, Stimpy!
They're not real people, so stop being so lonely!
Stop being so lonely.
(sad piano music)
- Well, and this is none of my business, of course,
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
(glass shattering) - Oh (bleep)!
Stimpy just jumped out the window!
- Oh my God!
- Oh, he killed himself!
Why'd he do it?
It must've been my fault.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
I'm gonna call the cops.
Don't you dare cancel that reorder.
It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by.
(phone beeping)
(man grunting)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, this is Gavin.
- [Colin] Hi Gavin.
My name is Colin Valenti.
I'm calling from Master Travel Incorporated
to tell you about an exciting limited time offer,
exclusive Las Vegas getaway.
Can I have a few moments of your time
to tell you about this new package?
- You know what, I would love to,
but I just don't have the time.
(phone clicking)
Hello?
(phone beeping)
Hello?
(phone beeping)
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing) (dramatic music)
- [Colin] This is Colin Valenti,
Master Travel Incorporated.
How may I be of service?
- Uh, hi, Colin Valenti.
My name is Gavin.
I think we just talked.
Did we get disconnected?
(phone ringing)
- [Colin] Yeah, no.
I mean, yeah, I hung up on you.
(suspenseful music)
- Why would you do that?
I mean, are you even allowed to do that?
- [Colin] Were you going to buy the Las Vegas package?
- Well, I mean, probably not,
but that's not the point.
The point is- (phone clicking)
(phone beeping) What the hell?
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
- [Colin] This is Colin.
- Yeah, Valenti.
Listen, I don't know what crawled up your ass
and set up shop there,
but you don't get to hang up- (phone clicking)
(Gavin gasping)
What?
Oh my God.
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing) (intense music)
- [Colin] What the (bleep) do you want?
- What is your deal, huh?
- [Colin] You don't want the Vegas package,
so I don't wanna talk.
I did us a favor.
Wasting our time.
- Stop, stop!
Don't you care hang up that (bleep) phone, okay?
- [Colin] Why shouldn't I?
- What if I wanted the Vegas package?
You know what, I want the Vegas package.
- [Colin] Sure you do.
(phone beeping) - What?
You mother (bleep)!
Oh my God!
You son of a bitch!
(phone ringing)
- [Colin] Come on, man, let it go.
- (bleep) you, man!
(bleep) you!
I want five (bleep) packages right now!
You know what, you know what?
My wallet.
This is my credit card number right here, okay?
(bleep)
My credit card number 007454030098!
The expiration date is 12/20!
And then, oh yeah, the security number is 084,
so run the damn card right now!
Right (bleep) now!
You run it right (bleep) now, asshole!
(suspenseful music)
(computer beeping)
- [Colin] Thank you for your business.
- Well, I hope you learned your-
(phone beeping) (Gavin gasping)
(Gavin screaming)
(phone ringing)
- These new call scripts are really great.
- Yeah.
I know, right?
(phone ringing)
What the (bleep) do you want, Cathy?
(dramatic music)
- Call my agent.
(phone ringing)
- Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man!
- What up, Clyde?
Hey look, man, I'm gonna be real with you, okay?
This "Alien Boy" script, I'm not feeling it.
I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son.
I just wanna make sure my next project
reflects I'm a down-to-Earth, normal kid.
Am I making any sense?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm reading you loud and clear.
I've got a script right here, very real,
called "Street Ball".
- Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony.
He's a kid from the streets,
lives in the hood in a house with his mom.
- Stop!
House?
- Oh, it's like a tiny mansion.
- [Jaden] Got it.
Go on.
- So his mom and he, they live in this house
and she works at a supermarket.
- Stop!
- [Clyde] Oh, a supermarket's like a mansion,
but it's full of food and anyone can go there.
- So like where the butlers go?
- [Clyde] Yeah, basically.
- And wait.
You said his mom was doing something at the supermarket?
- Working.
Working is kind of like acting on a set
every day in a film that no one's ever gonna see
and it lasts for the rest of your life.
- Oh, like a maid!
- [Clyde] Yeah, yeah.
She's like the maid of the supermarket.
- Awesome.
Continue.
- So anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team, right?
So he decides to start playing
pick-up games of street ball outside.
- So, he plays basketball in his plane?
- [Clyde] No, on the ground.
- In his limo?
- Outside is that stuff that goes by
when you're inside the limo.
- Oh snap!
He plays basketball outside the limo door?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then, he gets really good at basketball
and then blah, blah, blah, blah,
fast forward, at the heart of the story,
Tony has to choose between his mom.
- Choose.
- Yeah, choose is when you have to make a decision
between two things you want, but you can have only one.
- But there's two.
- Yeah, but I mean, he can't have both.
- What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde?
It's a no!
- Okay.
We'll pass.
(Clyde sneezing)
- Dad bless you.
- [Clyde] Thanks.
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
Thanks for calling Mario's Pizza.
This is Carlos speaking.
- Hello.
We would like a large pie with
pepperoni, pineapple, and cheesy crust.
- Large pepperoni with pineapple and cheesy crust.
- We would also like a large pie
with bacon, pineapple, and cheesy crust.
- Large bacon pineapple with cheesy crust.
Okay.
Is that gonna complete your order, sir?
- You know what, let me gauge the room.
Guys, are we gonna want another pizza?
Who's hungry?
Show of hands.
Let me see 'em.
One, two, three, keep 'em up,
four, five, six.
- [Carlos] Ah, having a party.
(Carlos chuckling)
- Yup.
Pretty big one, too.
Come on, guys.
Keep 'em up.
Hugo, Summer, hands?
Food?
You know what, let's play it safe.
Let's get another pie,
gonna be ham and pineapple.
- Ham.
You guys gonna need cheesy crust on the third?
- Good question.
I'll gauge the room.
Hey guys, do we want cheesy crust on the third?
Okay, yeesh.
That is a resounding yes for cheesy crust on the third.
Claire says you read her mind.
- Claire, huh?
I like that name.
- It's a good one.
Also, my boy Andy over here is saying
you have something called chicken poppers?
- Is she cute?
- [Wendell] Who's that and what now?
- Claire.
- Oh.
Her body's like a four.
Anyway, we would also-
- [Carlos] How do you mean?
- Let's just say she's kind of a big girl.
- That's all good.
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,
I feel like I do know Claire, man.
Put me on the phone with her.
- You don't need to speak to Claire.
- No, I do.
(Wendell sighing)
- You know what, I gotta level with you, man.
I (bleep) her.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get in between you guys.
- No!
It's quite all right.
(Wendell chuckling)
Twas awhile ago before she blimped up.
My current girlfriend's Liv.
Body, 10, face, 10.
But anyway, Claire, yeah, I hit that, sexually,
and as did my boy Hugo, hell, even Bubba got some of that,
so just wanted you to know.
Used goods, used goods.
- So you wouldn't care if I asked her out?
- Well, let me do it for ya.
Hey Claire, this guy from the pizza place
wants to date you.
Too poor?
All right, I'll let him down easy.
- Wait, wait, wait!
No!
(sad piano music)
Tell her that no, I'm not a rich man,
but I'm a good man.
Tell her, Claire, I believe in destiny
and I believe that we've always known
that our soulmate was out there.
The moment that we had that unspoken
connection about the cheesy crust,
I realized that you were always the one
because, and I know this sounds corny,
but that moment was just like...simple.
(melancholy piano music)
- Wow.
You really do care about Claire.
- I do.
(glass shattering) - Oh my God!
Claire just got shot!
- What?
No!
- Oh, it just came through the windows, a bullet!
- Hit her in the neck! - What?
- Oh, Claire's down!
She's dead!
I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!
- Claire!
No!
- Chinese it is.
- Because you're my wife and you love the theater
and it's your birthday.
Great.
Unfortunately, the orchestra's already filled up,
but they do have seats that are
still left in the dress circle,
so if you want me to get them theater tickets right now,
I'ma do it right now.
- What's up, dog?
I'm about five minutes away.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Cool.
No, they all good singers.
- They all good singers. - Yeah, son.
- Nah, man.
I'm telling you, man,
I'm 'bout to cross the street, man.
- Nah, they got that one dude in it that you love, man.
He gon' be in it, yeah.
- Come on now. - For that whole performance.
- You know I'm almost there, all right?
- Right, no I'ma pick your ass up at 6:30 then.
- Cool. - Cool.
- Yeah, yeah.
The parking's free.
- So already got that on lock. - Oh my God, Kristen.
- I almost totally just got mugged right now!
(upbeat funky music)
♪ I want you ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪