you
games the final frontier these are the
voyages of the starship NES it's
continuing mission to explore strange
old consoles to seek out bad games and
review these humiliations to boldly go
where no nerd has gone before
you
whoo man well next time I'm taking a
shuttlecraft I don't like having my
molecule scrambled all over space well
anyway what can I say about Star Trek
it's one of the biggest cult phenomenons
of all time and as a result there's a
whole galaxy of Star Trek related
electronic video games so much that
overloads my sensory input neural
capacitors so let's just check out a few
first let's try out Star Trek the motion
picture for the veterans the vetrix has
a built-in screen in a controller
attached fascinating well made this
thing unique for 1982 was that it used
vector graphics all straight lines no
pixelation bright and vibrant this is
the way many of the early arcade games
work but the vetrix brought it into the
home only thing there's no color but
here's how they got around that each
game came with an overlay you just slide
it over the screen and there you go I
fail to see the point anyway you're just
flying around blastin enemy Romulans and
Klingons you can raise your shields to
defend the enterprise but this depletes
your energy which means that you need to
refuel by locking onto your space
station
one thing that's incredibly annoying is
this loud buzzing sound it reacts to the
graphics it's caused by a lack of
shielding between the ray tube and the
speaker wiring it's penetrating my
auditory nerves I must deactivate this
game's power supply next up Star Trek
strategic operations simulator for the
Atari 2600 electronic gaming console
basically it's the same sort of game
you're just flying around blasting
Klingon ships you have to touch a
certain amount of star bases before you
can advance the next sector you have
sort of a radar screen at the top you
could almost look at this screen the
whole time you're playing so it's kind
of like having two different angles I
find this to be an incredibly simple
game
but for whatever reason they decide to
make an overlay for the controller next
up same game same name the name which
just rolls off your tongue
Star Trek strategic operations simulator
for ColecoVision and atom family
computer system like I said it's the
same game but the graphics are improved
the ships are more detailed the
explosions are better and your shield
photon and warp power are all clearly
indicated instead of just having
mysterious blocks yeah take that you
sons of [ __ ]
damn Klingons Klingon suck my ass
all right what's going on it appears to
be an interference what's the meaning of
this attack
oh don't know what is it you want
Genesis you can have Genesis come on
this isn't fair
come down and fight
well lesson learned don't say anything
bad about Klingons Klingons don't [ __ ]
around anyway we've seen how simple the
early Star Trek games are but as they
went on they became more intricate and
there's tons of them so let's focus on
just one more Star Trek 25th anniversary
for the NES to begin with the music and
the graphics are quite good but my sense
is indicate a large deposit of [ __ ]
the storyline involves the enterprise
being trapped in some kind of
dimensional gravitation gate whatever
that is unable to engage the warp engine
Scottie says that we need to replenish
our supply Delicia McChrystal's so
that's all good but cut me a break
you're given so much text to read it's
more like reading a Star Trek novel than
playing a [ __ ] game Spock the text to
lithium crystals hidden on a nearby
planet so Kirk McCoy and Spock all beam
down to explore you're relieved to
finally start walking around and doing
stuff but only then is when you realize
how astronomically asked this game is
the first enemies you encounter are
plants that spit at you the projectiles
are practically invisible but lethal as
hell just want a phaser [ __ ] these
little bastards to death but they're
almost impossible to hit the problem is
in the walking you can't go diagonal
only straight up and down or left and
right but you move like you're locked
down on a grid then you encounter these
tiny little worms that crawl all over
you think because they're so small they
won't hurt you much but know these
things are serious so anyway you're
trying to find these Delicia missiles
which Spock says is located in some
ancient temple so you talk to some of
the natives and they're like sure we
don't care you crazy spaceman from the
distant future who we've never seen
before go ahead and raid our holy temple
in fact they even offer to help make a
repellent for the bloodworms in the
forest it's like hey you want to rob my
house here's the key most illogical only
thing you got to bring back a shooting
flower so they can make the repellent
shooting flower you mean these things
so you stun it with the phaser and you
pick it up now of course picking up
objects in this game is never simple
you think you just touch it and that's
it but no you got to stand next to it
scan it with a tricorder and talk it
over with Spock and McCoy and then
finally pick the [ __ ] thing up so you
take the plant to the witch doctor and
he makes the repellent and once again
you got to pick it up shall I add the
repel to our inventory sir yes or no yes
of course please do why would I say no
it's like my crew are out of their minds
also they do a miserable job trying to
follow you come on how would anybody get
stuck on a bush so we get past the
bloodworms you shoot down some wolf sort
of creature and then have dialogue
afterwards will it be all right who the
hell cares it tried to kill us just
shoot the [ __ ] things and move on a
ghostly dragon pops out of a hole and
then I'm suddenly interrupted by a
dialog box saying be careful Jim that
creature looks like a dragon from Terran
mythology yeah
Thanks so next thing you're in the
temple you come to a series of rooms
with weird symbols on the floor if you
just try to walk across you die you got
to know the right pattern so before you
even get to this room you got to
memorize the order in which the symbols
appear on the wall so unless you have an
amazing memory you got to write it all
down and that sounds like fun right why
not play a game where you got to write
down cryptic symbols by the way these
symbols look extraordinarily familiar
so many symbol combinations in several
dialog boxes later you finally get the
crystals and then it's back to the
enterprise here it's more like a
role-playing game or a simulation game
there's many things to do and many
planets to explore if you're a fan of
Star Trek you'll notice that's pretty
loyal to the original series and if you
play it for a while you might be able to
get into it and adjust to it scrap
factor not to be confused with warp
factor but for me most of the time I
just can't figure out where to go or
what to do I tried calling the game a
piece of [ __ ] I tried giving it the
finger but verbal and gestural
persuasions proved ineffective
anyway this part of the game is based on
the episode a piece of the action where
you travel back in time the 1920s earth
first you got to find a library card
then you got to get back your lost
communicator you zap two guys you find a
diamond you exchange it with the shop
owner for a mark deck of cards then you
find a bone on the sidewalk and a
gumball from some guy with a dog then
you find a hairpin and then you find a
stick you have to put the gumball on the
end of the stick put it in the gutter
and fish out some coins then you talk to
a bartender to get ox mixes phone number
you give them the diamond in exchange
for some plates you take the plates to
the police use the hairpin and the bone
to open up the door find the counterfeit
money use the coins on the phone booth
give the operator the number going to
talk to Oxford's about the communicator
he tells you go to crackles plays he
tells you that bonehead malone has a
communicator you go to the casino you
get bonehead the money give me your mark
that good cars and you get the
communicator
I won't destroy it maybe the game
designers did the best they could under
the given circumstances you're here you
have to get your entertainment someplace
else
you're a metro does my parents surprise
your name not really
you surprised me how by spamming this
shitty game you have demonstrated the
advancement of mercy mercy best
[ __ ]
you