(light music)
- Is your pregnancy test wrong?
100%.
And here's how.
The US Office of Women's Health
states that traditional pregnancy tests are 99% accurate.
But then again, women love to exaggerate.
Pregnancy tests work by testing your urine
for the hormone hCG, which stands for his Cum Got ya.
So as long as you urinate
on the stick, the test will detect the pregnancy hormone
unless you accidentally dilute your urine
because you've got Paruresis, shy bladder syndrome.
Nothing to be ashamed of,
20 million other Americans are currently pee bashful.
So, to make your piss flow confidently,
you chug two gallons of water.
And it works.
Your piss sprays like champagne at Gatsby's house.
Only problem is you've unknowingly
flushed all the hCG pregnancy hormone out of your system.
The test reads not pregnant, but it's a lie.
In nine months, you won't be the only one pissing
because your pregnancy test is wrong.
Let's say your piss is perfectly concentrated.
So when your test reads not pregnant,
it should be accurate.
Unless your boyfriend's sperm has low motility.
Happens to seven percent of men.
And it means the shlong jelly moves
at a significantly slower pace.
So even though you've waited the recommended amount of time
to take the test,
eight weeks, it's actually too early.
His trouser gravy is still sliding up your cervix.
Your test says not pregnant
but in nine months his bonk juice will have turned
into your baby because your pregnancy test was wrong.
Let's say your boyfriend's man chowder isn't slow
and you have no problem peeing on command.
Very cool.
But you've got a narrow urethra
which means your piss is more of a Polick,
less of a Rothko, which is why you have to piss in a cup,
dunk your tester stick in a mug
filled with your liquid gold.
But you're not only a messy pee-er,
you're also a messy cleaner
and your cup is covered in apple juice
and the sugars in apple juice interfere
with the enzymes in a pregnancy test
and cause a false positive.
100% confirmed.
So after three minutes, your test says pregnant
but your orchard will not bear fruit
because your pregnancy test is wrong.
Let's say you never drink apple juice.
The only drink you allow yourself is milk.
You drink it by the gallon 'cause you love a challenge.
But what you don't realize is this cow cream
came from a commercial dairy farm
that, to fulfill milk demands,
pumps it's cows full of sex hormones,
sex hormones that are now inside you
and your over-the-counter pregnancy test
is not equipped to tell the difference
between human and cow hCG.
Here Comes Gizzum versus here's Cow Gizzum.
So when your pregnancy test says pregnant,
you have no idea that it's bovine, not baby.
Your pregnancy test is wrong.
Let's say there's nothing wrong with your urine.
It's a 10 out of 10 piss.
So, when your test result says pregnant,
you're sure it's correct, but the piss is not the problem.
It's the product, because your pregnancy test is expired.
You got it at a local pharmacy staffed by teens
and teens aren't going to restock the shelves.
They're too busy watching TikToks.
Your perfect piss is all for not
because your pregnancy test is dead.
Okay, let's say you're done
with over-the-counter pregnancy tests.
I get it, too risky.
You go to the gyno, get an ultrasound.
And on that table, it's irrefutable.
You hear a heartbeat.
Except what you fail to tell
your gyno is you just joined a gang.
And for the initiation, they made you swallow a goldfish,
made you chase it with a Skinny Girl margarita,
which is mostly water.
So your fish is alive and kicking.
That heartbeat you hear is not a neonate's.
It's Nemo's.
You're not pregnant, but Nemo is with a thousand babies.
You're going to give birth to officious children.
So yes, your pregnancy test is wrong.
It's just a matter of when and how.
Let's say you avoid all the errors
while taking your pregnancy test.
It's still important to know how
to properly read the results.
Most people don't realize that a pregnancy test
should be read like a magic eye poster
To properly read a result,
you must first take the test right up to your eyes,
let them loosen and almost go cross eyed.
And then slowly move the test back away from your eyes.
What first looked like a one pink not pregnant line
is actually a rocket ship.
Simply consult the legend
on the inside of the pregnancy box.
And if you buy a box that gives you two pregnancy tests,
that doesn't mean you're getting an extra test.
That means it's one test that requires two sticks.
You must take both at once
and then apply the rules of algebra.
A positive and a negative result
means your test is negative.
And a positive and a positive result
means your test is positive.
But a negative and the negative result
means your test is positive.
And if your pharmacy is out of pregnancy tests,
thermometers work just as well.
Simply place it under your armpit and wait.
(thermometer beeps) Ah, 98 degrees.
Not only do I know I'm pregnant,
I also know that the father is Nicholas Lachey.
I'm Doctor Expert Natasha Vainblock
and your worst fear has been confirmed.