-President Trump has fired
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson,
which brings us to a segment we call "Couple Things."
-First thing...
Tillerson found out that he was fired
from a Trump tweet.
Even when you get fired from Dominoes, the manager takes you
into that crappy little office and tells you to your face.
Tweets are for finding out which band is in town
or which airline was mean to Chrissy Teigen.
And, of course, Trump didn't fire Tillerson to his face,
just like he didn't fire James Comey to his face.
Basically, if you're over 6 feet tall,
Trump wants no part of giving you bad news.
That's why he's jumping at the chance to meet with Kim Jong Un.
"He's how short? Oh, I'll look like a giant next to him."
Second thing...
I'm not saying Rex Tillerson was a great Secretary of State.
He had the energy of a 14-year-old bloodhound
on his third mint julep.
He always looked like he was walking through a fart cloud.
But if you're gonna fire competent secretaries
for being bad at their jobs,
let me refer you to Betsy DeVos' appearance
on "60 Minutes."
Not only was she wildly uninformed,
but "60 Minutes" is also her longest work day so far.
Also, a side thing, why fire Tillerson today?
Well, just yesterday, Tillerson said the attempted poisoning
of an ex-spy in London "clearly came from Russia
and that the incident will trigger a response."
Hey, just don't -- He just didn't know the response
would be, "Clean out your desk."
Third thing...
hopefully what we're seeing with the resignation
of Gary Cohn and the firing of Rex Tillerson
is the end of this myth that serious people
can reign in Donald Trump.
If the White House is a fraternity in an '80s movie,
Tillerson was the dean, and the dean never wins
in an '80s movie.
"Now, listen up, Delta house, I'm going out of town
for a business trip, and I don't want trouble while I'm gone."
"Oh, sure thing, Dean Tillerson. I promise.
I promise we won't do anything to get you fired."
Final thing, the only thing more puzzling
than people agreeing to work for Donald Trump
18 months ago are people
who are agreeing to work for him now.
I mean, I get the first few ninjas who thought
they could take down Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill,"
but what was the last guy thinking?
"Oh, I get it. If I come at her from the right.
Also, I'll yell first."
And don't get me wrong.
I do feel some sympathy for the Cohns and Tillersons
of this administration, but in the same way
I feel sympathy when someone gets attacked by a gorilla
at the zoo.
And that my first thought is, "Oh, that's horrible."
And my second thought is,
"Why'd you go into the [bleep] gorilla cage?"
This has been a "Couple Things."