Hello there.
Trust plays a huge role in relationships.
But for most people even though trust is a really important concept,
it's an abstract one.
What the hell is trust actually?
If trust is an abstract construct,
then how the hell are you supposed to figure out
how to practically create it in your relationship?
That's what I'm here to clear up today.
What is Trust and How to Build Trust in Your Relationships
Without beating around the bush,
I'm just going to come right out of the gate and tell you
that in the spiritual field
Essentially you've got a whole bunch of people
who could never rely on anyone.
That's what creates that turn in the direction of spiritual practice,
in the direction of God
or in the direction of the universe at large
is often being unable to rely on the people in their lives.
It's a beautiful initiation,
but it also is a coping strategy.
And so, it often comes with a lot of shadow.
I'll say this more clearly,
spiritual practice can be a big fat way of coping
with not being able to rely on anyone in your life.
This means that many people in the spiritual fields
are going to use universal truths or invent truths,
That justify and reframe that feeling of not being able to rely on anyone
or anything into a good thing.
Here are some examples,
Follow your own guidance system,
let everyone else worry about their own guidance system
And then you can trust yourself to act in your own best interest,
and you can trust the other person to act in their own best interest too,
this way you'll never have to put the power
over the way you feel in their hands, you will not be dependent on them
to make you feel good.
Or everything you could possibly want or need is inside you.
Or the only person you can truly trust as yourself.
Or the only person who can fill up your cup and make you happy is you.
Essentially these ideologies,
even though they can be really beneficial
for somebody from a certain vibrational set point,
they portray the idea, that there is something powerless
or pathetic or less spiritual about depending on someone
So what's the result?
In the spiritual field you have a whole demographic of people
that are intensely empowered in their independence,
but whom have incredibly distant and crappy relationships.
I'm going to make the concept of trust incredibly simple for you.
Simply put, trust is:
"I can rely on you to capitalize on my best interests."
I want you to sit with that definition for a minute.
Just let it sink in,
This is about as scientific as we can get
with the concept of what trust actually is.
Notice I didn't say:
"I can rely on you to capitalize my best interests above your own."
Nor did I say:
"You're completely responsible for my happiness."
Trust is quite simply:
"I can rely on you to capitalize on my best interests."
And this is what makes a relationship worth being in.
keep in mind that as we continue to expand
and become more aware and become more conscious,
Our idea about what is actually in our own best interests, will naturally shift.
But this is not your excuse to usurp somebody else's
idea of their own best interests,
by you thinking you know what's better for them,
than they know what's good for them.
This is all too common in relationships.
More simply put in a relationship, you don't get to do this:
"You know I don't think you really know what's in your best interest."
So we're just going to go with what I think is in
the best interest of you because I know what's better for you
than you know."
Or "What I think is good for me is what's best for you, too."
"So I'm just going to trump your idea of your best interest with mine."
This is what our parents.
Did this is in fact the main reason why we lost trust to begin with.
When we think about losing trust, we think about big betrayals?
We all know what those look like.
There's a presumptive contract something like don't sleep with other people
when you're in a relationship, and they go do it.
That's a big betrayal.
but trust really is built on the foundation of much smaller things.
It's built on the foundation of:
"Regardless of what you say your best interest is, I'm not going to honor that."
This may seem abstract in a personal setting,
but I want you to think about how this would work
in a business setting or a professional setting
Imagine that two companies come together
with the intention of creating a merger.
to create that merger, obviously, each company has to think about
their own best interests, and they have to find a win-win scenario for both.
but imagine if one of the companies said:
"You know, I don't think you actually know what is best for you."
"In fact, I think that what's best for you is my terms,
and so let's just sign your name on the dotted line."
In a business setting obviously,
One company would be like:
"Peace out! No way in hell, am I going to sign that.
But in relationships that are personal
we have a lot more on the line, so we tend not to just walk away.
Instead, we sign our name on the line, and then we build resentment,
and then we feel taken for granted,
and then our relationship turns into total crap.
Because we have no trust for the other person,
because they did not consider our best interests
when we made a decision.
To understand this using an example let's say there's a couple,
person A in the relationship decides it's in his best interest
to go sleep with someone he just met.
But the best interest of person B
is for the relationship with person a to be exclusive and committed.
This means person a did not capitalize on person B's best interests.
So person B. Cannot trust person A.
Person A is playing a zero-sum game,
where one person wins and the other loses.
When person a has conflicting needs from person B,
he did not consider person B's best interest
and did not have a conversation to resolve the needs conflict in a way
were both person a and person B's best interests were considered.
It is easier for us to think about the way that trust actually practically works
relative to a corporate scenario.
When you have two companies
that are trying to agree to terms in a relationship,
that is a business relationship,
both companies are presenting their own best interests,
and then they are working to come up with a win-win scenario
that benefits both.
it is no different in your personal relationships.
It needs to be that exact same way.
If it starts to be a zero-sum game,
meaning I win, and you lose,
the relationship literally will dissolve.
A relationship is a connection.
It is not a burden, as some people would paint it out to be.
It is an immense gift.
But what do we know about gifts?
When somebody gives us a gift,
it is then our responsibility to care take that gift
according to the amount that we value that gift.
Connection with somebody else, a relationship works this same way.
When you love someone,
you're taking them as yourself.
You're in fact creating oneness in physical form.
For this reason, it no longer works to think only about your own best interests.
Because, if you are creating that atmosphere of oneness and union,
you cannot hurt the other person without hurting yourself.
The minute you develop a relationship with somebody,
it is as if they have handed over to you
the most vulnerable aspect of their being.
We call this the heart.
They have handed it to you for your safekeeping.
And you have done the same thing to them.
Now, some people in the spiritual field will tell you this is disempowerment.
You should never give that much power to somebody else.
But I am going to directly disagree.
there is in fact, nothing that is more brave,
than being willing to give the vulnerable aspect of yourself
to someone else.
In fact, the opposite is cowardice.
The highest form of bravery is the vulnerability to both give and receive
those most vulnerable aspects of your being.
Many people who dislike the idea of trust,
promote the idea that a good relationship is two self focused people
who are both completely responsible for their own happiness,
who occasionally meet in the middle to have sex
or watch a movie or whatever together.
I have never seen a successful relationship function like this.
This is a relationship based on distrust.
And a relationship based on mutual distrust,
is functional only because there is a
mutual agreement to stay separate
and not expect each other to capitalize on each other's best interests.
Trust is the basis of a genuinely connected successful relationship.
And in that kind of agreement, two people agree that because they are unified,
they will hold responsibility for not only their own best interests,
but also their partner's best interests.
It is critical in every situation, that you sit down with yourself and have a seriously
self-reflective process that you're engaged with,
that makes you aware of what you really want, of what you really need,
of your best interests.
this is the only way of course that you can create a win-win scenario.
Yet again, think back to the corporations,
imagine a company coming to create a merger and being like:
"You know, I just really, I don't know
what my company needs out of this."
Not only is the other company going to be like:
"Well, it's not really my job to know for you, nor can I."
It's a perfect opportunity and an open door for them to be like:
"Ok, then I'm just going to set my terms, and you're going to live by them
And if that's the case, then you find out where your best interests were,
in retrospect.
That's going to create distrust as well.
You've got boundaries, whether or not you know they exist yet,
So figure out what you need and what you want
and what your best interests are so you can clearly communicate that
to the other person.
This is the only way to be on the same page
with someone you're in a relationship with.
For more about this, watch my youtube video titled:
Get On The Same Page (Relationship Advice)
Without getting much further into the concept of trust,
because it quite literally is as simple as:
"I rely upon you to capitalize on my best interests."
I'm just going to jump right into a trust exercise,
that's going to assist you immensely in your relationships.
Now, a while back, I did two episodes
that went hand-in-hand with each other.
They're on YouTube.
I really highly suggest you looking them up.
The first is called: "Attunement"
The second is called: "The Octopus Technique"
Having an awareness of these two videos,
of these processes that I put forth in these videos,
is going to assist you incredibly
when it comes to this next practice that I'm going to give you.
It'll basically kick it up a notch.
So if you want to, if you haven't yet,
feel free to pause this video and go watch those through,
or else watch those through after this video.
So you can get a genuinely deep concept of what it means
to attune to somebody or to step into their shoes.
So obviously, trust is about capitalizing on someone's best interest.
So obviously you have to know what someone's best interests are.
And how can you truly know that?
By helping intimacy in your relationships.
Intimacy can be whittled down to the concept of seeing into someone else,
feeling into them, hearing them,
understanding them.
You have to comprehend a person's actual being,
in order to know what their best interests are.
And in order to know what their perspectives
of their own best interests are.
So, intimacy...
Seriously important.
so this is what you're going to do.
You're going to sit down and imagine that you're leaving your own identity
and preferences and perspective behind,
You're going to imagine going into the other person's perspective.
You're going to imagine being them,
feeling how they feel, thinking how they think,
wanting what they want,
needing what they need.
You're going to attune to them to the degree that you feel like you've lost
your own identity and you are them instead.
>From that perspective, make it your responsibility
to specifically feel into what their best interests actually are.
In whatever situation or circumstance they are in, or you are in together.
What do they really want and really need?
Even if you can see that what they subjectively think their best interest is,
is not in alignment with what is objectively in their best interests,
make yourself acutely aware of what their subjective best interest is,
because it is valid.
I want you to lose yourself in this journey work,
of discovering their best interests.
When you come out of this experience
knowing now what their best interest is, from their perspective,
I want you to think about how you could go about
capitalizing on their best interests.
Or let's say that when you come out of this, you realize,
that their best interests,
conflicts with your best interests.
There's a need conflict.
This is the point in time where you need to start seriously brainstorming,
about a win-win scenario for the both of you,
If it is possible.
And if it is not,
it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with this person.
Make it a game that you play.
If there is no way to create a win-win scenario for both parties,
then you must know that you are headed towards
an unintentional Betrayal of trust.
If you want to do this exercise with the other person,
It's really fun to do that as well.
You just sit down, you can face each other in meditation,
You close your eyes and you imagine completely switching perspectives.
And then from that standpoint,
you want to see what each other's best interests are,
and then after the exercise, once you've gained that awareness,
you open your eyes and begin to openly communicate
about a way to create a win-win scenario for both.
Now, what's really interesting to note is,
just communicating that you have taken the, let's say, effort
or care, to put yourself in their shoes
to become aware of their best interest, builds trust.
Doing this exercise may seem incredibly simple,
and it is.
But the thing is, is that this is what we don't do in relationships.
Before we take actions or say things we don't think
about the other person's best interests.
We often bulldoze the other person with our own best interests.
This is what happens in relationships when were caught in the power struggle.
we feel as if we [have] to usurp each other's best interests with our own,
or else our needs aren't going to be met.
because we're not doing what is so necessary in a relationship,
which is to hand each other our hearts,
and then take responsible care for what we have been given.
Just imagine this for a minute;
If you and I are in a relationship, and you handed me your trust,
and I care took it.
And I handed you my trust or my heart you care took it,
we wouldn't have problem would we?
We'd be caring for each other's best interests.
Here's the other thing;
It may seem like effort,
But it won't seem like effort when you consider,
how much energy it takes to rebuild trust once you've broken it.
It takes one minute to corrode trust in a relationship,
and potentially years to rebuild it, if ever.
But don't panic because it is possible to rebuild trust.
rebuilding trust is about two people playing their part in the rebuilding.
If you are the one who has lost trust in somebody,
rebuilding trust is about the bravery in the willingness
to give that vulnerability to them again
when they demonstrate that they want you to.
And to take that risk.
If you are the person who has corroded someone's trust,
you're the one who's distrusted,
trust is rebuilt by you demonstrating,
that you are going to capitalize on their best interests over and over again.
Building trust in a relationship is really as simple as being aware of
and capitalizing on each other's best interests.
It is as simple as finding a meeting of minds about
what a win-win scenario actually is.
Don't usurp your own best interests with other people's best interests.
But keep mindful of your connection
with the people you love at all times.
Before you act ask yourself if your action
is in alignment with the other person's best interest
or if your action is in opposition to their best interests.
and you get to swallow the reality,
that if your action is in opposition to it
You quite literally should not
be trusted in that circumstance by that person.
Develop attunement and intimacy in your relationships,
so you can actually have awareness
as to what other people's best interests are in each scenario.
And it is time to accept the reality that it is in your best interest
to capitalize on other people's best interests.
And to have them capitalize on yours.
Have a good week
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com