>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, THANK Y'ALL, THANK
Y'ALL FOR BEING HERE. FIRST OFF, I WANT TO WISH
EVERYONE A HAPPY WOMEN'S MARCH. A MILLION WOMEN STRONG OUT THERE
TO CELEBRATE THE PRESIDENT'S KICK ASS FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE.
WE DID IT GIRLS. NOW THAT THE SENATE AS ADJOURNED
NOW I KNOW ALL OF YALL HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. PRESIDENT TRUMP MAINTAINS THAT
ANY DEAL HE SIGNS MUST INCLUDE A BORDER WALL, AND HE HAS BEEN
VERY CONSISTENT THAT IT MOST BE A SOLID PHYSICAL WALL WITH SOME
PARTS SEE THROUGH, SOME PARTS FENCE, AND SOME PARTS EMPTY
SPACES THAT OPERATE ON THE HONORS
SYSTEM. AND IT WILL BE PAID FOR BY
MEXICO WITH U.S. TAX PAYER MONEY.
IF YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE FOR THE SHUT DOWN, BLAME SENATOR
SCHUMER #SCHUMERSHUTDOWN.
LET'S GET IT TRENDING Y'ALL. NOW EARLIER TODAY SENATOR
SO I HAVE ASKED THE WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN DR. RONNY JACKSON TO
COME BACK OUT HERE AND TELL YOU AGAIN ABOUT HOW NOT FAT THE
PRESIDENT IS. OKAY DR. JACKSON?
GO AHEAD, GO GET EM. >> THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ONCE AGAIN I RELEASE THE FOLLOWING, UNBIASSED, 100%
ACCURATE HEALTH ASSESSMENT. AT THE TIME OF EXAMINATION THE
PRESIDENT WAS 71 YEARS AND 7 MONTHS YOUNG.
HIS RESTING HEART RATE WAS A COOL 68 BPM.
HIS WEIGHT A VERY STOUT 239 POUNDS.
HE HAS A GORGEOUS 44 INCH COKE BOTTLE WAIST.
HIS HEIGHT IS 75 INCHES WITH LEGS THAT -- WELL THEY SEEM TO
GO ON FOREVER. SIZE 12 SHOE SO YOU FILL IN THE
BLANKS THERE. IT'S MY EXPERT MEDICAL OPINION
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S GOT A ROCKING BOD WITH A PERFECT
AMOUNT OF CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN.
AND IF GIVEN THE CHANCE I WOULD. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
YES. >> SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THESE
RESULTS ARE FABRICATED BECAUSE THEY HAVE TAKEN EVEN ONE LOOK AT
THE PRESIDENT. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
>> AGAIN, LET ME BE CLEAR, THE PRESIDENT IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL
CONDITION. NOW HE DOES TAKE CRESTOR FOR HIS
CHOLESTEROL, WHICH IS NORMAL. HE TAKES PROPECIA, AS AN INSIDE
JOKE. TAKES ASPIRIN FOR HIS HEART AND
HE HAS BEEN POUNDING PINEAPPLE JUICE TO KEEP EVERYTHING SWEET.
OKAY? I'M TELLING YOU, THIS HUNK IS
HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE PRESIDENT FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 10 TO
20 YEARS EASY. NEXT QUESTION.
>> YEAH, THERE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S MENTAL
FITNESS AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS OF COURSE PUSHED BACK ON THAT.
NOW, SINCE YOU HAVE EXAMINED HIM PERSONALLY, MY QUESTION IS HOW
BROKE THAT BRAIN? >> OKAY, WE DID DO A COGNITIVE
EXAM AT THE PRESIDENT'S REQUEST, AND HE PASSED IT WITH FLYING
COLORS, ALMOST NO HINT. >> THIS PRESIDENT BRAGGED ABOUT
SCORING HIGHER ON THAT TEST THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT, IS THAT
TRUE? >> IN FAIRNESS, NO OTHER
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN GIVEN THIS EXAM.
WE TYPICALLY ONLY USE THIS THE TEST TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT
SEVERELY BRAIN DAMAGED OR A MONKEY IN PEOPLE CLOTHES.
BUT THE PRESIDENT GRABBED ME BY THE COLLAR AND INSISTED ON
TAKING IT. AND LET ME TELL YOU.
HIS GRIP IS UNNATURALLY STRONG. OKAY?
HE'S GOT THE STRENGTH OF A GUY THAT WOULD FAIL THAT TEST IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN. >> WHILE YOU WERE EXAMINING THE
PRESIDENT, DID HE MENTION ANY DETAILS ABOUT HIS SEXUAL
ENCOUNTER WITH PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS?
>> HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND WHERE YOU FROM?
>> UH, PETE DAVIDSON, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
>> ALL RIGHT WELL LISTEN PETE DAVIDSON.
THE DOCTOR IS NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT, SO YOU CAN
JUST GET. >> RATS, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT
WORK RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. >> ACTUALLY I CAN ANSWER IT.
NOW I CAN'T CONFIRM WHETHER THE PRESIDENT AND MS. DANIELS HAD
RELATIONS OR NOT, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT IF THEY DID SHE IS A
LUCKY WOMAN, ALL RIGHT? AT HIS REQUEST WE ALSO GAVE THE
PRESIDENT A SEX EXAM AND HE BLEW THE DOORS OFF OF THAT SUCKER, HE
NAILED EVERY POSITION PERFECTLY. AS A MEDICAL STAFF, WE TRY TO
STAY IMPARTIAL, BUT WHEN HE WAS DONE THERE WASN'T A DRY EYE IN
THE ROOM, IT WAS TRULY BEAUTIFUL.
>> I'M SORRY, ALL OF THIS INFORMATION JUST SOUNDS PRETTY
RIDICULOUS, YOU DON'T EXPECT US TO REALLY BELIEVE THIS STUFF,
RIGHT? >> THE PRESIDENT HAS PASSED
EVERY EXAM THEY GAVE HIM PHYSICAL, MENTAL, THE TIDE POD
CHALLENGE CRUSHED IT BUT WE HAVE A GOVERMENT
SHUT DOWN TO DEAL WITH
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!