Hey guys, it's Rae here. Welcome back to
what is a very hard, hard video for me to make.
It's important that I'm open, I'm honest and truthful. It's important that I don't hide things from you guys
and you know, I think it's just time to let this video out,
it's been a long time in the making and I can finally
express myself and tell you guys about some stuff. It's not just about art
you know, it's not just like "ooh, testing art hacks." You know, it's something that I've been wanting to talk about. So um,
yeah, let me just start from the actual beginning so I can explain.
So,
the channel that you're watching right now, SuperRaeDizzle, was created back in
2010 and I started making YouTube videos in
2011 and
it was so much fun,
it was something that I did all the time and I loved making these, even if I got
you know, tons of dislikes, I didn't care because I loved YouTube. I loved watching YouTube and so I,
it's been over 10 years you know, that YouTube has been a part of my life.
Even in college when I went to get my degree in art work and I was studying oil painting, even then, you know
I would take, every once in a while I would still do a YouTube video.
I would still update my life to my 120 subscribers that I had and
I would get so excited when my videos would hit, you know, 20 views and I
mean, YouTube did take a backseat because I was focused on the multiple jobs that I had and I was focused on, you know,
painting and oil painting and getting these concepts out and back then, you know, when I was studying artwork
it was much different than how I make artwork now.
One of my favorite things to do was just lock myself up in my room and
paint all day, all weekend, all week as soon as I would get home from school.
I would just paint, put on a podcast and paint, paint, paint, and
it was pretty much at that point when I realized that I want to do this
for the rest of my life, like I love painting so much. I want to keep doing this.
Flash-forward to me about to graduate college. I had no jobs lined up except for you know, freakin' Big 5
Sports Apparel and I was in a panic because I didn't know how I was gonna make money,
I didn't know how I was gonna be an artist and I didn't know how I was gonna sustain myself.
And so, at this point I kind of got the idea of like, "hey,
maybe I can get some people to see a YouTube video and
direct them to my Instagram and so I can sell my artwork and so people can see my artwork!" And
so, and so that very night, you know,
I pushed two chairs against my coffee table and I taped like a broom and a mop to the chairs and I made this like
really makeshift
tripod thing, you know, that would hold my little camera that I had bought for, you know
just stupid selfies or whatever and to make YouTube videos and
that night I made my very first art tutorial and I made it all within like two hours, even the thumbnail,
everything. And that video was the "Do's and Don'ts of Drawing an Eye."
And that video was not a good video,
you know, that was like the very first time that I ever even thought about trying to make a YouTube video related to art and
lo and behold, that video got a million views. A
million, which you know, to me,
that's insane. Like, to even fathom that my video could get a million views!
And so I graduated college. I was working at Big 5,
you know, hating my life, hating the job and when I would get home to my little crappy apartment,
you know for making seven dollars and 68 cents,
I started like making YouTube videos all the time, and art related videos because
it was two birds in one stone.
I started making tutorials and speed drawings and how tos and
tips and I mean back then, you know, nothing really was big on my channel
but it grew and grew and grew and eventually I
was able to be a full-time art YouTuber, I was able to not have to work at Big 5 anymore.
And as my channel grew, as I started getting subscribers and getting fan mail and getting you know, a disposable income,
YouTube, I'd started taking it more and more and more seriously and
YouTube became not just a hobby anymore, but this was my career
now, this was what I - this was putting me on a track to my career as an artist and
YouTube isn't no longer just a hobby, it's my everything. It's where I go to feel good about myself,
it's where I go to learn stuff. It's where I go to entertain myself. It's my paycheck. It's my channel. It's my creativity,
It's where I put my art, it's me. Like I started equating my YouTube channel to myself.
And with current YouTube, it's important to know that you have to upload at least
once a week to get that
you know, recommended, to get that watch time, to be in the algorithm or else if you don't upload then it pretty much
like wrecks at your channel. Your analytics drop because you're not getting promoted because you're not putting anything out!
So it became very stressful for me to upload
as often as I could and
you know, that put a lot of pressure on myself, like I got to get this out every Friday,
gotta get this out every Friday. Got to get it, you know, every Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday!
And I started getting into this weird bubble where I started prioritizing YouTube over everything else in my life,
like for example, I gotta upload on Friday, so I don't need to eat cause I got to work on this video.
Why, why should I go to the gym? I need to work, you know that's gonna be an extra 20 minutes.
You know my house, chores,
everything, like family, friends, none of that matters because I need to work, I need to edit,
I need to get this video out and I need to put all my time into it and...
and eventually it got to a point where I was under a lot of pressure
constantly. I was like a ticking time bomb
you know, I
would just
have these stupid fits of rage.
I mean, one time I broke out into hives all over my body from this immense amount of stress, you know;
sometimes I would just shake and cry and scream because I was so
putting this dumb pressure on myself.
And anytime my channel would go through a slight dip downwards or slight
fluctuation, I would put immense pressure on myself. I would freak out, I would start over analyzing
everything and I
started putting so much pressure on myself, trying to focus on the thumbnail. "I need to focus more on the funny edits,
I need to focus more on watch time,
I need to focus on everything, everything !" And so I started taking these
shortcuts that would alleviate just an ounce of that
stress that I was building up. So obviously I can't not focus on the thumbnail,
I obviously can't not focus on the titles, I can't not focus on the
editing or the funny edits or the noises or the background noises,
so there's only one thing left that I could take shortcuts on and
it'll help me get the video out and,
that's my artwork. And
it worked for a little bit until it didn't work, and not only was I in
the same cycle
but now my artwork is declining, I'm not able to express myself and I just
*sighs* this is really hard for me to admit but I just got to the point where I
wasn't enjoying
making art and I wasn't proud of the art that I was putting out and I wasn't proud of my videos and I -
I hated waking up filming
under this immense amount of pressure and I
was making art for the wrong reasons and
you know, I started seeing a lot of comments. Like "wow, Rae's so bad at art, Rae's so this, Rae's so that"
and you know, not only that but now my views are declining and I just, and
I felt so
Inauthentic, I felt uncomfortable with myself, I felt insecure, I felt tired, stressed.
And I didn't know what to do, you know, like what was I doing wrong? I'm, I'm doing what the algorithm says,
I'm, I'm taking things that have worked in the past but you know,
the views are declining, my fanbase is unhappy, and so I had asked on Twitter one night very defeated,
like "what can I do? Like what? What do you guys want to see for me? I don't know what to do." And
to my surprise within minutes, within MINUTES
I started getting tons and tons of responses saying well, "we just want to see you do artwork,
we just want to see you do colored pencils in charcoal, and I want to see you oil paint and I want to see...
We just want to see you make artwork and be happy and do what you love to do.
And we want to be along for the ride!"
And at that point it just clicked in my head
why I've been absolutely miserable, why I've been stressed out, why my soul has been beaten and broken down,
it's not that I need to focus more on the metadata, the thumbnails,
because I'm not making the art that I love. I'm not living my life that I need to live.
You know, I believe that I'm on this earth to make artwork and if I'm not doing that then I'm not happy and
you know, it sucks that I was trying to focus so much on this
formula in my head that I was trying to focus on the wrong thing and
it just clicked for me and yeah, it's fun to do it sometimes, you know, test out art hacks and weird supplies,
but that can't be all of it, you know because I want to do artwork!
That's why I'm an art channel! *laughs* Like what am I doing?
And I, I want to say I'm sorry to you guys,
for not only being the authentic Rae, but I'm sorry to myself,
you know for
putting on this dumb stress that doesn't even need to be and
this brings us to this week where for the first time I decided to pick up a paintbrush for me,
something that I want to do, something that I love to do and
I'm gonna do some realism. I'm gonna mix it up a little bit, I'm gonna get freaky, I'm gonna get weird,
I'm gonna just press myself and let all this that has been building up out. Finally, just let it all out.
But that's not gonna be it,
you know,
like I want to expand, I want to grow, I want to like, just let it all out and
it feels so good and it feels incredible and you know, I'm not gonna lie, you know,
it stings every single time that one of my fellow artists tells me "Well, I want to see you get more creative.
I want to see you spend more time on it" because I know I could be doing it,
I know I could be creating, but I'm not, I'm focused on this stupid thing that I've
made up in my head and honestly guys, I can tell you that this week has been
probably one of the best weeks I've had in months because I feel free again. I feel me again!
I feel like the art. Oh, I can't believe I'm crying,
I feel like the artist that I'm meant to be and it feels so good and I just, I
just, I guess like my soul is happy and
anyway, what this all comes down to is that I
realized I was putting myself under all this pressure and that I didn't need to. I
mean, it does matter a little bit because you know, I do need a paycheck and you know,
I want to put savings and stuff, but you know, I'm not here
just to make money, just to make a paycheck on any of that because
obviously, it doesn't feel right for me. Obviously
I can't do it, what matters more importantly over everything is that I am still that girl,
you know, in my room,
painting, enjoying myself, expressing myself
and
It feels so good to finally just be able to be open and honest with you guys,
not have any crazy edits or anything like that, just to get back to basics and
*sighs* This is the most relief I've felt in such a long time and
everybody who watches me,
thank you so much for your support, for everything and I'm so glad to say for the first time in a very long time,
here's my first oil painting that I was able to do and it feels so good!
And yeah with that being said, guys
thank you so much again for watching. Thank you so much for listening to my rant, and I will see you guys next video. Bye!
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