- I'm a rapper and obviously-
(crowd laughing)
I am.
I do freestyle rap.
Did you say I'm scared?
(crowd laughing)
Yes. No, that's okay.
There's a lot of white people here
and then I, the whitest person, come on,
talk about the queen,
you know the chief colonizer,
and I might as well just be showing
off big diamonds right now and just like,
"Look at this, any brown people, this is ours, not yours.
We took this."
Is that, you'll take back?
It's not real, it's a mime.
(crowd laughing)
You are allowed to be scared, don't worry.
No, I do freestyle rap.
That's improvised, it's made up on the spot,
it requires you lovely people
to tell me what you'd like to hear a rap about.
But there are some rules
'cause you know it's hip hop, but British hip hop,
so rules, right?
This is just for your benefit.
You can't suggest food or animals,
they're the most obvious things our brains think of.
And they're too simple.
Anyone can fucking freestyle about that.
We wanna make it difficult.
Number two, don't say the first thing in your brain.
Change it.
We don't want it to be a suggestion that's come up before.
Don't say anything I've mentioned in this set.
Don't say anything weird and British, right?
Cause if you, if you are like,
"Oh fucking bangers and mash," all these pricks,
they don't give a shit about our country,
they don't know what it means.
Don't mention the Queen.
And know this,
you could be imaginative, difficult, creative.
The best suggestion ever was a German man who said,
"A day in the life of an Aztec high priest.
(crowd laughing)
Rap about that, English Boy."
(crowd laughing)
Beautiful language, right?
(crowd laughing)
If you are in this section over here
what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Baseball.
- Baseball. What particular aspect of baseball
would you like us to hone in on?
- [Audience Member] Home runs.
- Home runs.
Thank you very much for saying it
like you were talking to a toddler, as well.
"Home runs, Chris.
When they do a big hit and it goes very far."
Home runs, thank you very much.
Home runs.
Middle of the room, what you like a rap about.
- [Audience Member] Eskimo sex.
- Eskimo sex? Where?
(crowd laughing)
When it's a suggestion like that, I'm always like,
"Oh, has a comedian earlier in the show
said something very funny, and you-"
That's not a call back to that is it?
That's just something from your twisted mind.
Eskimo sex, Eskimo sex.
I love it.
Eskimo sex.
Section over here, what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] The Irish famine.
- The Irish famine.
(crowd cheering)
I probably deserve that, that's okay.
Home run. Eskimo sex. The Irish famine.
We will come to the lady who is scared,
what would you like to have a rap about?
- [Audience Member] The Caribbean
- The Caribbean.
Oh you said the Caribbean, I'm sorry,
I never know how to pronounce it.
Is it technically the Caribbean or the Caribbean
or does it really not matter?
It really doesn't matter? Appreciate that.
Thank you.
And what about, what about the Caribbean or the Caribbean?
- [Audience Member] Pay us?
- How about I pay you?
Cool. Yeah, I mean, look,
they're uncomfortable but they should be.
Yeah, mother fuckers, reparations.
The Caribbean and how they should be paid.
Now, my little kind of you know, English gang here,
English boy, English dad, non-English person.
What would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Meghan Markle.
Meghan Markle, lovely stuff.
Yeah, cool.
(crowd whooping)
Cool! Great
(crowd laughing)
I think I'm the only one in the room who's excited for this.
I feel like the rest of you are going,
"Oh this is gonna be the shittest thing we've ever seen."
(crowd laughing)
- [Audience Member] You can do it!
- Did you say, "You can do it?"
This is why American audiences are great.
Cause in England, it would be now that
someone would've thrown a glass
and said "You're fucking shit, mate."
So it's a rap made up on the spot about the Caribbean
and how they should be paid,
about Meghan Markle,
it's about home runs, about Eskimo sex,
and about the Irish famine.
And do not worry, it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously, embarrassingly, toe-curlingly bad
as you are expecting
a privately educated, middle-class, white British boy
who did actually go to Oxford to-
(crowd cheering)
I fucking hate myself.
Right? Let's drop this beat
and let's, let's have some fun.
This is gonna be nice.
It's gonna be nice.
It's gonna be great.
(crowd cheering)
(hip hop music)
♪ I love that you cheer while we're spittin' this ♪
♪ Close to the stage, sitting in it, that's the British guy ♪
♪ Chilling there with his dad by his side ♪
♪ American lady, one day be the bride, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know if there's a wedding ring ♪
♪ Oh you got it right there, green card you can bring ♪
♪ Over here, I know you did it for your job ♪
♪ Mixing the continents, oh so odd ♪
♪ To the royal family, they were like, ♪
♪ "We be headin' in the wrong direction" ♪
♪ Why? Cause Harry met and wed again ♪
♪ Met wed and Meghan, yeah it gettin' mixed 'round ♪
♪ Like a little thing, I you see them, he picks now ♪
♪ A pretty girl, an actress for sure ♪
♪ From the west coast that's the California shore ♪
♪ Saying, "Oh my gosh, the prettiest lady ♪
♪ She makes my dick hard, makes my ginger pubes crazy" ♪
♪ But then the Queen, she was upset ♪
♪ Saying, "Harry, why are you meddling with that sket? ♪
♪ Some in my house don't understand you" ♪
♪ Over here, there was Prince Andrew. ♪
♪ He was like, "Oh I don't like her, she's mixed race ♪
♪ And she's in her forties. What a wrinkly face" ♪
♪ Cause usually he's naughty with the underage ♪
♪ "Allegedly," you said, when I came on stage, but ♪
♪ Meghan Markle, then again ♪
♪ She's the 10 outta 10. Like the real Eminem ♪
♪ Coming over here, I know we're slamming the Queen ♪
♪ She was thinking about the Irish famine ♪
♪ There in her dreams ♪
♪ I know it wasn't her fault, but hold me down ♪
♪ Whose fault was it? Yes, the British crown ♪
♪ Well, technically, they had the interregnum ♪
♪ That's Oliver Cromwell, so pay attention ♪
♪ He deposed the monarch and said, "My wish ♪
♪ Is to make sure there's a problem for the Irish ♪
♪ Take all the potatoes, fill them with disease ♪
♪ Yes, go away." All the Irish they leave ♪
♪ They were heading away with the potato blight ♪
♪ All the shit that we did wasn't really right ♪
♪ They were starving, they were causing an alarm ♪
♪ They didn't have food like Lucky Charms ♪
♪ Ah, that's a little Irish thing, poor score. ♪
♪ Anybody see a tiny green little leprechaun? ♪
♪ Not lost on me, yeah, you know that I felt it ♪
♪ Go off to Boston, not to watch the Celtics ♪
♪ But whatever your baseball team's got a name for ♪
♪ I've never watched that abomination of a sport ♪
♪ But if I did, I'd still find it ho-hum ♪
♪ Even if they went, "Batter up," and slapped a home run ♪
♪ Out the park, outta Fenway, out into the night ♪
♪ You can't see the ball, it's not lit by the lights ♪
♪ It travels to a far arch, clearing the car park ♪
♪ The parking lot, Americans, this lot ♪
♪ You gotta translate it, hitting the ball ♪
♪ 45 degree, that's the perfect launching angle ♪
♪ It goes out of there, yet you can't even see 'em ♪
♪ British people seizing all the Caribbean ♪
♪ They were like, "Oh yes. Oh look brothers ♪
♪ We're coming over here. Cut down these sugars ♪
♪ Causing you pain, give us the cane ♪
♪ Make the rum, then trade it with Spain ♪
♪ Move it to Portugal, move it round Azores" ♪
♪ Such a sad thing with the beautiful shores ♪
♪ Yes, definitely be paid, the Caribbean nations ♪
♪ Jamaica, Dominica, give the reparations ♪
♪ But the last thing, the finisher, mad respect ♪
♪ The one that you guys select with the Eskimo sex ♪
♪ Everything else that we got tonight ♪
♪ Was really edgy but yule is really nice ♪
♪ That's an ice pun, get it? That's my goal ♪
♪ I want to slip it in the hole when I'm at the North Pole ♪
♪ Be careful. Don't let us suck your dick ♪
♪ Cause it's so cold that the Eskimo tongue would stick ♪
(crowd cheering)