Should I send my ex a gift, like flowers, or maybe something like that, a card? That's
we're going to be talking about in this video. But first my name is Clay, modernlove.life, where we
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that's totally okay. Okay, let's go ahead and get into this. So should you send your ex a gift?
First of all, let's get clear here. Most of the time, the answer is going to be no. However,
you are more than welcome to do whatever you want this. This is your life. You can do whatever
you want to do. Just be okay with whatever the consequences might be from your actions, okay?
If you're not okay with the consequences, then you might want to think about doing something else.
Let's kind of walk through some of this stuff here. So sending a gift, or flowers,
or something like that is a common thing that people feel compelled to do, especially in the
early stages of a breakup. We call generally this early stage of a breakup damage control mode,
because that's kind of where a lot of people are operating from. They're kind of panicked.
They're feeling a lot of anxiety. They're going through this breakup that wasn't their idea,
and they just want to get back to normal. So they are kind of operating from this place of
just trying to mitigate the damage as much as possible, and doing things like apologizing,
giving gifts, flowers, begging, and pleading stuff like that seems, at least to many people,
like the thing that they should be doing. However, if you have already done
some of these things and I'm speaking from personal experience here, you will probably
be quick to find out that these are probably not the most effective strategies for getting back
together or saving your relationship. The reason for that is because your ex has had to go through
a certain series of decisions that have gotten them to the point of actually breaking up. These
certain decisions have caused them to close off certain parts of themselves emotionally to you,
to the point where it's not just a matter of flowers, or apologizing, or a gift,
that's going to turn things around. In fact, they are going to be resistant to anything like that.
They're going to be resistant to it because of something called the law of consistency.
Basically we feel compelled to act consistently with the previous choices that we've made.
What we can know for sure is that one of the previous choices they made is that they probably
broke up with you. So they're probably going to act consistently with that, which is to say,
"No, I won't get back together with you because you bought me flowers, a gift, apologized," or
something like that. In fact, they may even kind of take it as like, "Oh, are you trying to buy
my love back," right? I think probably most of the time they're going to know that this isn't
the case. I mean, unless you have some sort of history of doing that before in the past, they're
going to know intellectually that you're not trying to do this, but emotionally they might try
to say, "Oh, hey, are you trying to buy my love back or something," as a defense mechanism against
that sort of thing, and to insulate themselves through law of consistency.
So you're probably not going to want to buy your ex a gift, especially an expensive gift. Save
your money, please. You're probably not going to want to beg or plead or anything else like that.
What you are going to want to do is you're going to want to look emotionally at what is
causing them to pull back, and what that is, is an emotional place of resistance, right? There's
a certain part of them that has had to create this image of you through these incremental decisions
that they made. They had to create this image of you that's worthy of breaking up with. Now,
maybe they've had to be really creative on their part in order to create this version of
you that's worth breaking up with, or maybe they haven't had to be very creative at all because
you gave them good reason to want to break up with you.
But either way they have this image of you that's someone who's worth breaking up with, and this is
the story they're going to tell themselves about why the two of you aren't together, why the two of
you can't work out, why a gift, or flowers, or an apology is not good enough, because you are
this person that they have created in their mind, whether that is a rightfully earned image of you,
or whether that is an exaggerated image or whether that is a distorted image, or whether that is just
completely fabricated. They have this image of you, and what you want to do is you want
to demonstrate to them that this image of you that they have in their mind about the person that you
were when they broke up with you is not accurate. That there is someone else, this
other version of you, and you want to show them this other version of you as often as possible.
So you're going to want to start by asking yourself, okay, what is this version of me that
they have in their mind? "Is it the person that never cared about emotions? The person that never
opened up never asked about me, never shared any sort of interest in my life," or whatever
the case may be. You're going to say, "Okay, well, what would I need to do to demonstrate
that that was not who I am?" Then you're going to want to show up as that person, this other person,
while you're interacting with your ex. What that's going to do is it's going to slowly start to
erase this person that they think that they broke up with, and it's going to replace that
image of you in their mind with this new person. It's going to cause them to say,
"Oh, maybe I was wrong, maybe my initial con concept of who you were and your character
is just off base, or maybe you actually have turned a new leaf.
Maybe you have gotten your act together. Maybe this breakup really was a wake up for you."
This is going to take some time. In fact, you may experience some ups and downs with this,
what we call a positive pullback. You're going to have a positive interaction where the two
of you connect pretty well. Then they all mysteriously pull back afterwards. Why does
this happen? This happens because they're trying to say, "Okay, I thought you were this person,
and then this person showed up. Which one is it? Which one is right? Which one is wrong? Was I
mistaken? Maybe you were just putting on an act. Maybe that was just you on your best behavior.
Maybe you really did change. I don't know." So they kind of pull back to sort of reevaluate.
That's what we call pause to pull back. But what you want to do is you want to continue to show up
as this person, this better person of you than the person that they think that they broke up with.
Eventually through time, you're going to erase this old version and you're going to replace it
with a new version. Now this is, of course, like I said, going to take time, because this is a trust
building activity. They're learning to put their trust in this upgraded version of you, this other
version of you that's not the version they think that they broke up with. This is going to require
that they actually start to trust themselves enough to place some faith into you again.
So don't expect this to happen overnight, and don't expect this to happen with just a gift or
something like that. You have to address this on an emotional level. But as you do start to
address this on an emotional level, you're going to notice that they start to open up
a little bit more towards you, connect with you a little bit more, start to do things that maybe
were off limits before. This is just showing you progress, that things are moving forward. Okay?
Within this context, though, within the context of the two of you connecting better,
getting closer together, getting reacquainted with one another and all that,
it might make sense to buy them a gift at some point in time.
But if your idea is to buy them a gift in order to apologize and to get them to take you back,
probably not going to be the most effective strategy out there.
So focused on the emotional connection first and foremost, more so than a gift or more so than
flowers or anything like that. Then let that build up the emotional foundation that brings
the two of you back together again. So I hope this helped you out. Once again,
if you do want to learn more about our new course called Effortless Connection for high stakes
communication for a great relationship helps great with people who are trying to get back
together with their exes. Be sure to check that out, down in the description box below,
and also feel free to hit that thumbs up button, too if you like this video.
You may also want to learn more about your ex's emotional state on this journey. So we do have
a playlist about your exes five stages of getting back together. You can check that out over here,
or you might want to check out this video over here. But once again, my name is Clay. Thank
you so much for watching this video. Please take care and I'll talk to you next time.