-Welcome. Thank you so much, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
We are coming to you live right now from Studio 6A.
After the final debate between President Trump and Joe Biden,
and I think we can all agree the winner was Kristen Welker.
I mean, come on.
Knockout.
Home run.
Of course, everyone was talking about how there would be
a mute button used during tonight's debate.
It seemed like it worked pretty well.
I'm thinking of getting one for Thanksgiving.
The muted mics really helped, though.
It thought it was much calmer.
At one point, they almost cut to
Jeffrey Toobin to liven things up.
Yeah, Trump seemed much more calm.
People were like, "Did they replace him
with his Disney robot?"
For the most part, things were pretty civil
compared to the first debate, which was basically
a UFC fight on meth.
Yeah, it was a lot nicer.
If the first debate was sponsored by Red Bull,
this one was sponsored by NyQuil.
Everyone was impressed by Trump not interrupting or yelling.
I'm not sure it's a great sign that we talk about the president
like we talk about a 4-year-old at a puppet show, but...
"You did a great job. You really did."
That's right -- tonight, we saw an all-new Trump.
Instead of shouting baseless accusations, he whispered them.
Trump held in his anger for so long,
as soon as the debate was over,
he chewed off the armrest in his limo.
[ Growling ]
Yeah, no one seemed to get too riled up.
The only person who was really upset was Chris Wallace.
"Oh, that's how you do it."
And this was fun.
A lot of people played drinking games during tonight's debate.
If you did a shot every time Biden said "Come on,"
you were unconscious by 9:15.
[ Mumbling ] Come on!
But tonight's debate was considered a win
for the Trump campaign, mostly because he didn't walk in
with a highly contagious disease.
Actually, they were supposed to have two Plexiglas barriers
separating Trump and Biden, but they ultimately
decided against it.
So make that two more walls Trump couldn't build.
-Ooh!
-Ooh! Ooh! That's the "ooh"?
I got the "ooh" for that one? -Ooh-ooh!
-Ooh-ooh!
Before the debate -- -Ooh!
-Ooh! Oh!
That's my jam. That's what I do.
I come out, and everyone goes, "Ooh!
Jimmy, don't hurt 'em."
Before the debate, it was announced
that Joe Biden tested negative for coronavirus.
Meanwhile, Trump is on so many steroids,
he tested positive for Lance Armstrong.
Heading into tonight, anywhere between 2% and 8% of Americans
were still undecided.
I just want to say if, after tonight, you're still undecided,
then, well, we couldn't pick a joke for this one,
but we'll figure it out in a week.
Tonight's debate had six topics -- fighting COVID-19,
national security, American families,
race in America, climate change, and whether Rudy Giuliani
was actually tucking in his shirt.
But after a slow start, Trump made a lot of accusations
about Biden and his family, so Joe tried to turn
the conversation to the families watching at home.
-There's a very strong e-mail talking about
your family wanting to make $10 million a year.
-He doesn't want to talk about the substantive issues.
It's not about his family and my family.
It about your family.
But that's the last thing he wants to talk about.
Trump was like, "Trust me --
in our household, it's never been about my family."
After Trump accused Biden of wanting to destroy
Social Security and Medicare, Biden pointed out that
Trump might have the wrong guy.
-Very confused guy.
He thinks he's running against somebody else.
He's running against Joe Biden.
I beat all those other people
because I disagreed with them.
Joe Biden he's running against.
-Whoa! Biden was fired up. Trump was like, "Wow.
Give me whatever steroids he's on."
Later, Kristen Welker asked if Trump's language
was contributing to a climate of hate in our country.
Check out what he had to say.
-I am the least-racist person in this room.
I can't even see the audience because it's so dark,
but I don't care who's in the audience.
I'm the least-racist person in this room.
[ Laughter ]
-Then, instead of the mute button,
someone hit the laugh track.
It's a little weird to say,
"I'm the least-racist person in the room"
when half the room are your friends and family.
It's like, "He's more racist than I am."
But since this was the last debate,
both candidates wanted to make their closing arguments
to the American people.
Let take a look at one of Trump's closing arguments now.
♪♪
-I know more about wind than you do.
It's extremely expensive.
It kills all the birds.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-What?
Actually, that's not all.
Trump has been making closing arguments all week.
Here's another one.
♪♪
-This was caused by Russia.
Russia.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-He's really trying to get the word out.
Let's see another closing argument from Trump.
♪♪
-COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
[ Crowd boos ] COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
♪♪
-Do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?
♪♪ -Oh, my gosh.
-And with us, as well, are members of the incredible
Lumbee...Keetoowah...tribes.
Lumbee Keetoowah.
♪♪
-Oh, come on. Okay.
Alright, just one more. One more.
♪♪
-"What kind of ice cream are you eating?"
"Uh, chocolate."
♪♪
-Oh, my goodness.
Unbelievable.
Well, Trump had a busy day.
After walking out of yesterday's interview with "60 Minutes,"
today, he decided to post the footage early.
I guess he thought it would help him look better,
but I'm not really sure why.
Watch this.
-No, I'm not.
Well, I'm gonna be fair.
You don't ask Biden tough questions.
Huh? It's terrible. It's terrible.
"Are you ready for tough questions?"
That's no way to talk.
I think we have enough of an interview here.
Okay? That's enough. Let's go.
-He's the most powerful man in the world,
and he spends his time making bootleg episodes
of "60 Minutes."
Trump tried to embarrass Lesley Stahl by leaking a video
of her asking tough questions.
Isn't that her job?
Next, he's gonna embarrass Bobby Flay
by leaking videos of him making paella.
[ As Trump ] You just got served, Bobby.
[ Normal voice ] Also, did you see him
drink the water with two hands?
I'm just glad he's back to full strength.
Aren't you happy?
How... [ Applause ]
How is he still drinking water with two hands?
He's like, "Joe Biden is weak.
[ Slurps ]
He doesn't have the physical stamina to be president.
[ Slurps ]
Very, very poor health, Joe Biden."
But this is interesting.
Before tonight's debate, they announced
a record-breaking number of people have already voted --
nearly 48 million.
I guess that explains...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I guess that explains why, three hours ago,
48 million people tuned into Netflix.
Asked when they made up their mind,
early voters were like, "March 2020."
You know Trump is thinking, "Wow.
48 million people couldn't wait to re-elect me."
It makes sense that so many people were able to do it.
Voting is the only plan we've had
on our calendars in seven months.
This actually could be something.
Apparently, NASA has a big announcement.
Listen to this.
-Apparently, NASA's made an exciting new discovery
about the moon.
There is a huge announcement coming from NASA,
but we have to wait until Monday.
-NASA, you know I love you, but come on.
We're living through a pandemic.
The last thing we need right now is a cliffhanger about the moon.
Just tell us.
That's like Dr. Fauci saying, "I have some exciting news
about the virus that I'll tell you...
right after the break."
It's 2020, so part of me is definitely worried
that we're about to find out that the moon
once partied with Jeffrey Epstein.
Americans were like, "Unless it's gonna 'splode,
we do not a-care."
Some sports news.
The NFL just announced that if games keep getting pushed back
because of COVID, it could affect
when the season actually ends.
-The NFL acknowledged yesterday the Super Bowl
could be moved to March if games keep having to be postponed.
-Yeah, the NFL told all the players
to keep their schedules open, except the Jets.
They can start making other plans.
That's right -- the NFL said the decision
will be made by league officials, medical experts,
and Patrick Mahomes.
"Yeah, I suppose that time works for me. Yeah."
Honestly, I don't care.
I lost interest in the NFL once they cancelled the Pro Bowl.
I mean, why even have a season, right, guys?
And, finally, a bank in California had a break-in,
but the thieves aren't exactly who you'd expect.
Watch this.
-Two masked bandits broke into a California bank Tuesday,
but they didn't get away with any cash.
Check out the culprits.
Yeah, they're not bank robbers, but a couple of raccoons.
-Yeah. Police were like, "Aww,"
until they realized one raccoon was wanted for triple homicide.
Meanwhile, another raccoon was outside
hacking into the security system.
"I just need three more seconds, and -- Yeah, we're in."
Yep, they're the only ones to ever break into a bank like,
"Just give us all the trash, and no one gets hurt"
We have a great show tonight.
Thank you for watching. We're live here.
Give it up for The Roots.