♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(bell ringing)
- [Narrator] Screech is unsuccessfully using shaving cream
to cry for attention.
Zack questions his manhood in his own house.
Kevin, Screech's robot, reminds Zack
yesterday was Screech's birthday,
which Zack forgot.
Zack offers half-assed, belated wishes,
clearly the result of Kevin's prompting.
Zack calls a meeting to help him bounce back
from forgetting his best friend's birthday.
They're making good suggestions,
when Zack announces a plan that's--
- genius.
- [Narrator] It's stupid as hell.
He wants to throw a surprise party
during school
in the principal's office.
Zack argues this unhinged trespassing
will mean so much to Screech when it's all to satiate
Zack's raging ego.
But what about the hall monitor?
Zack says, fuck that guy.
He sends friends, one by one,
with a hidden recorder, to antagonize Neil the Hall Monitor
into making angry remarks.
Zack watches his entrapment unfold,
as Neil, who was minding his business,
is pestered into increasingly annoyed statements
caught on tape, culminating with--
- What do you really think of me?
- You're a creep.
- [Narrator] Wow, do I wish this show was about Neil.
Zack uses his illicit audio to frame Neil
for smack talking Mr. Dewey behind his back.
He gleeful destroys Neil's relationship
with his favorite teacher, without hesitation.
Neil gets detention, and is stripped of his title.
Zack nominates Screech to replace him.
Zack reminds Screech who got him
this unpaid law enforcement job,
and demands a lifetime hall pass.
Screech obliges, because he's a nice guy,
even though he still feels rightfully scorned.
Screech is chasing people,
almost getting beat up.
Some birthday gift.
To get rid of Belding, Zack has the girls
send a distress call with three voices.
- I'm a split personality, and my other two personalities
are holding me against my will at the mall.
- I am not.
- [Narrator] Now Belding thinks he has a student
with dissociative identity disorder in urgent need
of off campus rescue.
Here comes Belding.
Great hiding spot, genius.
Screech's job is torturous hell.
Before he just felt forgotten.
Now he feels invisible, disrespected,
and physically abused.
Mr. Dewey gives Screech a sorely needed pep talk,
to manage the new responsibility that's been thrust on him
in the name of Zack's intrusion fiesta surprise I'm Sorry.
Screech descends into violent, lustful delusions
of science fiction grandeur as a coping mechanism.
How's Zack's amazing party?
One balloon.
Kelly and Lisa are getting snacks.
Jessie's getting plates.
Zack doesn't know what's taking them so long
doing all of his work.
He's spazzing while not helping.
- It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.
- [Narrator] Slater, who isn't worthless,
checks on his friends.
Screech says, Jessie's in detention,
and Slater's heading there, too,
because their cavorting without hall passes
is only amplifying his sense of being scorned.
Despite the clock
and discretion being crucial factors,
Zack needs to hear the password.
- Zack Morris is the most awesome guy in the world.
He's so hot, I just wanna be with him forever.
- Hey, you missed stud muffin.
- [Narrator] In the time it took
to say those slimy syllables,
Screech's ice cream melted.
Lisa and Kelly look for everyone,
while Zack sits on his ass.
Screech sends them to detention, too,
because he is fed up with being treated like nothing,
after all he does for everyone.
Screech has half of Bayside locked up.
The party is canceled,
until Zack calls everyone in,
using a less than convincing fake secretary voice.
- I'm new here.
- [Narrator] He wants a pat on the back
for all his efforts.
The gang saw Belding parking.
There's no time to party.
Sure there is.
A really quick party.
Zack littered the office
with tacky decorations for children.
When Screech tries to say, thanks,
Zack hushes him.
- The best friends a guy could ever--
- Shut up, Screech.
- [Narrator] They rush through festivities.
Screech can't eat his cake,
can't open his gifts,
then, it's over.
Awful party,
because this was never about Screech.
It was all about Zack's bottomless appetite
for second-rate delinquency,
and we never see Neil ever again.
He probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris forgot his best friend's birthday.
Instead of apologizing,
hatched a breaking and entering party plot,
then used illegal hidden recordings to frame
an upstanding student,
permanently damaging his teacher relationship,
and gave Screech an unpaid job in law enforcement
as a gift.
That was endless misery, and made him feel worse,
just so Zack could give himself a hall pass,
then tricked Belding into a wild goose chase
for a schizophrenic student that never existed,
then did zero while his scheme got everyone in trouble,
all to throw Screech the worst party
in the fucking history of parties,
because Zack never cared about Screech.
He just wanted to pull another meaningless stunt,
and maybe, if he wasn't doing this bullshit all the time,
he could remember a damn birthday.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(bell ringing)