(suspenseful music)
- Some of you aren't doing the work, and it shows.
So a few months ago, two women who I know,
they really came for me.
It was, it was intense.
And in dealing with these two,
I felt like Neo from "The Matrix,"
just dodging emotional manipulation left and right.
(dramatic music)
(gunshots)
And to be clear, like, barring abusers,
most people who do this operate unconsciously.
They're not even aware of what they're doing,
because manipulation is ultimately
an unhealthy coping mechanism.
You know, it's a learned survival strategy
that gets people what they want.
In the same way that perfectionism
can be a coping mechanism learned in childhood,
so is manipulation.
And it doesn't make manipulation okay by any means,
but knowing that has really helped me
deal with all these walking wounds out here,
just flailing around, flinging their shit.
But what even is emotional manipulation,
besides a simplified carousel all over your Instagram
and a zeitgeisty buzzword?
Well, emotional manipulation occurs
when a person seeks power over someone else
and employs dishonest or exploitative strategies to gain it.
Manipulative people attack your mental and emotional sides
to get what they want,
and they will take advantage of you
to get power, control, benefits, or privileges.
So sign number one that you're dealing with
an emotional manipulator:
you feel fear, obligation, or guilt,
the three hallmarks of manipulative behavior.
So manipulators will evoke these three emotions
by commonly taking one of two roles:
the bully and/or the victim.
They are basically a one-person show,
playing all the characters, creating all the drama.
They would make Shakespeare very proud.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
- Art thou calling me a demon
because I cannot attend your party?
- (cries) All that glitters is not gold.
- I'm sorry, I cannot go!
- Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
- I told you, I have a work obligation!
(sobs)
- Something wicked this way comes,
open locks, whomever knocks.
(whimpers)
- You know what?
Fine, I'll cancel it, okay?
Are we cool?
- To be cool or not to be cool, that is the question.
- Oh my god, okay, alright I'm so sorry, alright?
I'll go.
Also, where are we?
- We're on a Shakespearean stage.
- Oh.
- Hi, Bill.
- Okay, yeah.
- When manipulators play the bully,
they will make you feel fearful,
and they might use aggression, threats, and intimidation
to control you.
But, when they decide to play the victim,
they employ a feeling of guilt.
They act really hurt, they weaponize tears,
they make you feel incredibly bad about what you're doing
and beholden to them.
Sign number two: zero accountability.
An emotional manipulator typically will always assign blame
and never take responsibility for it.
You often see this with people
who cannot authentically apologize
or acknowledge what they've done wrong,
and there's also a new sneaky, evolved version -
someone who knows how to say all the right things
when they can tell that you're really fed up
and ready to leave,
but they never actually change their action.
And then sign number three:
they lie, misrepresent, fib, or make misstatements
in order to confuse you.
They may exaggerate events to make themselves
seem more vulnerable,
or understate their own role in a conflict
in order to gain your sympathy.
Whatever the case, almost all emotional manipulators
twist reality in order to benefit them.
The best way to deal with this kind of manipulative behavior
is to hold your boundary and stand in your truth.
Now that you know the signs of an emotional manipulator
and how to deal with this behavior,
I have to ask, is this you?
Have you employed this behavior before to get what you want?
Do you embellish a situation to a friend
to control a narrative?
Have you left every conflict
without ever saying the words "I'm sorry?"
Think about it, 'cause I made this video
specifically for two people.
I'm Anna Akana, today I chose violence,
and thank you to the Patreons for supporting today's video.
And as always, thank you to my daddy, Squarespace,
for sponsoring today's episode.
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He's on my side about this conflict.