Hi guys, and welcome to the Internet.
Wanna say one thing - Mm hm
I know it's annoying, but every year, as the seasons change, I like to
tell Rosie that ... What?
- Dog hair - Oh did I rub against you?
It was a cheap shot.
It was cheap. There's nothing funny about cheap shots that hurt people's feelings.
... is there?
WOOF!
[Title card] Group hug!
Every time we take the dog out for her last walk, I ... - All year round
- I can't get over how dark it gets so soon
when summer is transitioning into autumn. - Yeah
And I decide to point it out every time
It's half seven. Can you even believe it's this dark at half seven?!
Well, say goodbye to summer. What's that? Yeah, say, say goodbye to summer. Yeah, that's what I just said.
I know. And in the summer, you're like, "What time is it? Eight o'clock?" - "Eight o'clock?"
- "You won't believe it's eight o'clock" - Don't believe it. - "Eight o'clock, Rosie!"
- It's getting lighter, Rosie - "Eight o'clock! It's eight o'clock, it's still light!"
In the winter you're like,
"Wow, only about seven, it's dark now. Soon it'll be six."
I'm such a pessimist in the winter. - I know
It's like autumn suddenly just, like, comes and I'm like
"Oh d'you know what, let's just chuck in the towel,
- I know - "... let's chuck ... It's dark, I've got SAD. Piss off!"
You ... You're so affected by your surroundings.
Today we were in TK Maxx and she went,
"Ugh, it's raining. Do you ever feel sick for no reason when it rains?"
"I feel sick for no reason when it rains."
I was like, "I hate you. We live in England. It rains every day ..."
- Hey! - "... even in the summer. I hate you." - Hey, Hey!
- The transition from summer to autumn winter affects my brain ...
Some people have like ... - ... seriously. - ... deep flooding.
Some people have fires at the moment
And Rose is like, "Don't like it when it rains."
That makes me look terrible, doesn't it?
- I mean, we could all ... - I mean, that makes me look me look awful. - We could all make each other look terrible.
- Yeah, we can. Well, you do it on your own.
All right, babe, calm down. She's a dog. She doesn't know that we're filming.
She's a dog. You want ... No offense, - Right right right right right right - you wanted a dog ... All right
- Don't tell me I want a dog. Don't piss me off - Why?
- Don't piss me off - But I'm on my period
- D'you ... don't piss me ... Do not piss me off ... - Why?
- ... saying, "Oh, she's a dog, she's gonna make noise, and you wanted the dog"
- Yeah - You wanted a lot of things
- Yeah - Yeah - What, what ... What did I want?
- A lot of things. - Like?
- Like ... - Marriage
- Yeah, yeah - Like, a good relationship
- A peaceful, tranquil relationship - Yeah
- Oh, guess what? - Stability
- Life's to hit you in the face - Yeah I know
- You can't always have what you want - I know! I wanted a father and I never got one.
Never! It never works out for me.
I was really, really ill, and
didn't wanna tell anyone cuz I didn't want anyone to worry
cuz our tour's coming up soon. It's really soon. - Yes. Yes, it's next Wednesday
- It's next Wednesday. Um, so, yeah, I didn't want to panic anyone
cuz obviously it's still going. Getting over it. - Yes
- Been to the doctor's, getting as well as I can.
Yay! - I'm worried cuz my throat feels a little ten ... - *Cough cough*
- Stop trying to steal my ... - *Cough cough*
- ... thunder - *Cough cough*
It feels a little raw, like I'm feeling a little dry, like a slight ticklation in about there - Yeah
- *Cough cough* - Okay
- So hopefully I'll be, I'll be okay
Can you not breathe on me?
It's been really sad. It honestly has,
because I've been so desperate to cuddle Rose, and when I first got it, we're like
"Right, we're going on tour soon." I was like, "I don't want Rose to get it."
Um, I was like, "So, we'll do our best to not infect her"
I moved my toothbrush away from her toothbrush so the ... - In case it kissed it
- In case the germs jumped
Rose was like, "I think I'm gonna have to not sleep in the bed with you, because ..."
"... you're ill and I don't wanna lay next to you" when I like, in the night I was like
Bleh like coughing and spluttering stuff.
But I was like, "No!"
"Don't leave me!"
Then I used my manipulations, and I was like, "Boop Boop!"
Um ... - And I never got a night alone with my fan fiction
Hm?
No.
I get really travel-sick. But I'm not fussy
I'm not ... I'm not a fussy eater, I'm not, like, particular
But there're a few things that I just cannot do.
One of them is being a passenger in someone else's car.
I literally have to look at an Uber and I'm like, ummreh - That's true
- I just cannot do it
- Can I give you a compliment? - I mean, you always, yeah
- I mean, you are a really good driver.
- Thank you - You're a really good driver - I'm a really good driver.
- You are - Crazy
- I never knew what bad drivers lots of people are I know
until I've been in your car and then I was like, "Wow"
- It's smooth sailing like our relationship.
- Awww, that's nice.
- And then I might hit a pothole.
I wanna talk about what Rose did for me today cuz it was really romantic
It was probably ... Honestly, it was probably the most romantic thing she's ever done for me
- That's such a load of crap - She saved me ...
- No. In my mind it really helped me - How about the time we were walking through Worcester
in the early days of our relationship, and we were in that shop, I don't know, overpriced for Worcester
- Cornercopia - It wasn't Cornercopia, all right? It was the, it was the shop with the dress.
and you said "Oh I love that dress" - Oh yeah yeah
- And I thought, - "Bank"
- ... oh, she likes ... Is it Bank? - It was called "Bank"
- It's probably gone bust now. - It has. - [Unintelligible]
- And she was like "I like that dress" and I was like,
"Mental note." What do I do the next day? Buy you the dress.
Forty-eight pounds it was. Never forget a mathematical figure. I don't know what that's about
I never forget a number, ever - I know
- I never forget a number. - Shall I give you a number at the bigger than the this? [?] - Seven. Seven
Seven's the amount of people you slept with during that first ten months.
I don't really remember I told anyone it was seven - It was seven
So I saw this dress, and I was like, right I'm just gonna take it and put it on your front door, a little baggy,
and I put a little card on it saying something like
"I love you despite every single one of your flaws,"
"... and there are many. Shall I list them?" - No, I, I remember what you said
I remember what you said. - What? What did I say?
- You said you were proud of my achievements.
What, not having sex with a guy for a week?
- That's really cruel - That was really cruel
- That's really been ... - That's really mean
Bitch! - Also you negated all my achievements
- What were they?
So today, okay, we went shopping
and I realized very quickly that I really needed to go Poop Poop
Um, so basically, "Boop Boop"
Um, yeah, so basically ... And, and Rose was like
"Do you wanna go in this public toilet that's right here?"
And I was like, "No no no no no. I'm just gonna hold it. We'll be home ... "
"... we'll just ... five minutes. We'll literally pop into the shops and we're gonna be home." Right?
So we start to walk around and Rose was like "Let's go to H&M"
And then you were browsing, and I was like
"Nnnn, okay, I need to go. I can't do anything. I gotta go." Right?
And I don't like going in public toilets. Who does? Okay?
And Rose was like, "We got a load of bags. I'm gonna wait, like, outside and hold the bags,"
"... and you go up to the loo, on your own."
I got in there, there was loads of people, there was people either side of me.
I could hear every tiny little drip. It was deadly silent
- Ugh, cubicle sandwich. No one wants to be in the middle of that
- I think the woman next to me also wanted to poo, and I think we were having this thing
where we were waiting each other out
So I texted Rose, and I was like,
"Rose, I can't do it. I need help."
A few minutes later, I hear her walk in, cuz she walks in and goes, *cough cough*, right?
- Just so you knew it was me, obviously - Yeah you kept making these coughs, which I knew it was you
- *Clears throat* - Yeah, she was making these, like, smug noises, like "Eeehhh"
We have this thing where we go "Yeehh" all the time - "Yeehh"
- She was walking around doing it. I was like, what's she gonna do?
And she washed her hands and blow dried them three times. Not once, not twice, but thrice
to make noise, so I could release the baggage
They must have thought, the other people,
- That you had OCD? - ... that washing there ... that I literally just came in to wash my hands and go "Nyeehh"
- You did ... - "Nyeehh"
Did they look at you? - I mean, yeah
I'm a little concerned that I'm getting ill.
Question: If you're getting ill, can we now kiss?
- No
Like, is that because you're worried it's someone else's ill? - Mm, that's the reason.
- No, tell the twuth - Ah, have you found it really hard not to sleep in the same room and stuff?
- Yeah, I found it really hard no kissing and cuddling and it's been long,
- Actually we have, we have slept in exactly the same room - We did
- We said we wouldn't and then we did - We did. We said we wouldn't and we did
And I move my toothbrush every day, though
And then I had sex, but you weren't involved - I know. Well I kind of was
Just in a safe distance so you couldn't get ill
No. NO! - NO!
D'you know what, I love the dog, but I also hate her
What are you gonna do? You wanted the dog - Why's she woofin ...
- You wanted the dog, not me
- What's she doing? - Oh, oh I'm gonna get upset over nothing!
Oh I'm gonna look out the window and see my own ugly reflection and bark at it for several hours
- Do you wanna let her just go out? - No I'm not letting her out. She's not going out.
- I think that's ... - If you're gonna disagree with me on this, you're gonna annoy me
D'you know why? Because I get up every night, every night without ... - No that's fine
Wilma, you're contributing to stress
I get up every night and I sort her out
- I promise I'll get up every night - What do you do? ... Oh you promise, do you?
... you promise? - Well, I'd rather do early mornings, and you do the late nights
- How is that fair? - Well, it's shifts
- Shifts?
And you get the easy shift?
Right, I really want the audience to vote at home:
Center parting. What are we thinking?
I mean ...
Yeah okay, right, okay, fine. Fine. - Okay
- Fine. I'm sorry I shouted.
I'm not a hundred percent sure if I'm right on this
but I certainly am sure that you have got to be wrong
She said, "You know what, Rose?"
"Sometimes I take my glasses off, I can't see a thing."
"cuz I'm short-sighted" - I'm really short-sighted
"And it's really horrible and I really panic."
I'm like "Oh, it's a horrible story"
And then she says, "But the thing is, when I'm old,"
"Old people always get long-sighted" - Yeah they do. Old people get long-sighted
That's why they look at things far away like this
So she said, "So if anything I'll actually have better eyesight when I'm older" - Yeah
Yeah
Do you think - Because ... Let me explain
- ... as a short-sighted young adult, - Yeah?
- ... your eyesight's going to improve with age - Yeah
- ... to the point where you're actually completely the opposite
- Yeah, let me tell you why
So old people get longer-sighted, right?
Right. Short-sighted, Rose, is when you see things only within a short distance, so ...
- Yeah I know. Our marriage was a bit short-sighted of me
- What do you mean? - Awww, babe ...
Babe, sometimes, ... - Why are you bully?
I, I ... I bully, right? A little bit, a little bit. But you, you ... - No ... No bully!
- Babe, you just looked at me with sheer panic - Less ... Be less bully!
I'd kiss you, but I don't want your evil
So if my vision turns longer-sighted, and I start to see things further away
surely that's improving my short-sightedness
and meaning that I only see things further away, so surely that makes it better
Science!
Flynn has just got in that suitcase
- I got to ... How? How? - ... to the point where he's just disappeared
Wait, hold on, hold on, I need to put my glasses on. Is it open?
Why don't you wait twenty-five years and see if you can see it then?
- Oh my God, it is! - It's easy ...
- Where did he #%$@
If you get chalk, right, and draw a circle, they'd get in it - And draw a circle, they'd sit
- I think ... - Why?
- ... I'm not being rude at all, - Do they think it's warmer?
- ... I'm not being rude at all, but if I did that with you,
you'd get in it, and you'd sit there - Yeah, I would
I'm the kind of person who would fall into hypnosis before they started the hypnosis
- Oh my God should we try it? Let's try it! - I feel like I'd turn a ... Yeah
Close your eyes, Rosie. - Okay
Okay, if you hear any sounds that's just the cat in the suitcase.
[Rose as Maltese] So I'm gonna count down from ten, right?
- Oh I like that - Ten, ...
Six
Five
Two. One. Now you probably felt that was very fast
That's because you have now fallen into a deep sleep.
So if you could just stop mocking my methods for one sec,
- I'm very attracted to you - Take a deep breath
- *Sniff* - ... and think, "What is it that scares me most about the dark?"
Is it Babadook?
- Um - Or is it Pennywise?
- Recently it's been Pennywise
- Interesting. Like, if you could just like stop having sexual attraction towards these things,
I think that's gonna be one of the key things to get over this
Or, on the flip side, maybe you should actually make it less scary by making it more sexual.
- Okay. Do you suggest my partner dress up as Pennywise, and then ...
... cuz ... - That's absolutely not what I'm saying.
What is it about the dark that scares you?
- I always worried that someone stood behind me
- Right. Well it's definitely not your dad.
Rosie, imagine yourself in a very dark place right now.
It's probably like your early twenties, like, remember that time?
Now think about what scares you most. I want you to look at it directly in the face
and I want you to say, "You do not control me!"
- You do not control me!
- What are you looking at right now? - Pennywise
- Pennywise ... You haven't even seen the film
- I know. It scares me. The outfit scares me.
Okay, Rosie. I want you to try a different tact.
I want you to say, "You are not the boss of me!"
- You are not the boss of me!
Exactly. How do you feel?
- A bit better - A bit better, exactly. So my Canadian-Rhode Island methods really do, really do work
I mean, I've cured myself of, like, so many things.
Like first of all, um, insecurity, yeah, don't have it
Um, anxiety, don't have it.
Um, being poor? Yeah I don't have it.
[Back to Rose] I can't believe we're going on tour on Wednesday. - I know
That came round fast, didn't it? - I know. It did come around fast,
... like someone else I know - Can't wait ...
Alright guys, I'm gonna tell you a story
The other day, when Rosie and I were looking around properties, um,
Rosie saw a real winner online, did you not? - Absolutely obsessed with it.
And Rosie being Rosie, decided that she'd ring the estate agent, straight away, to make sure she got a viewing
- Okay, yeah, I, I was like, all in. I was like, this is the house, we're gonna buy it, like here it is.
I was like, I'm ringing now. It was the weekend. I was on Rightmove, which is how I spend all my spare time
And I was like ... By the way, not spon by Rightmove, but could be
And I was like, I'm gonna ring them asap, even though it's the weekend, and I was like
if they're ... if they're open, or if they're not I'll just leave a message - Mm hm, Mm hm
So Rosie gets on it, because Rosie being Rosie gets on a job, she gets on it fast
Rosie decides to call the estate agent.
Now let me tell you something about Rosie, right, which you might not know:
Rosie has really bad social paranoia
like really bad. She'll think of conversations that happened like ten years ago and think,
"Ahh, I shouldn't have said this" or "Yeah I should have done that"
and she really punishes herself. It's actually really sad
- I have a phobia of being cringe, basically, which is difficult, because I spend a lot of my time being cringe.
so I have a ...
She called the estate agent, - Yeah
- but unfortunately they didn't answer - Right
- so it went straight to voicemail - Right
So I said to Rosie, "Leave a message" - I'm gonna jump in, yeah, I'm gonna jump in here
So I, I was like, "Right. Hi, this is Rosie Spaughton."
"I live at Blablablablablah." Okay?
I ... You don't ... I don't normally say that, but there was a reason I said it, okay? I was like,
"My email address is this. My number is this. This is who I am."
I was like, "I'm absolutely obsessed with the property."
"Uh, the property address is: Blablablah blah blah blaaa ... blaaaaa ... No ..."
"That's your address."
Doooooo
And then I went upstairs
and I cried
because I read the estate agent's address to the estate agent - To the estate agent!
- and said I was obsessed with it.
I was like, really ... They probably, they might have thought it was a prank call, but I left my actual details
- Rosie ... Rosie ... - And then ... No, d'you know what's the most insane, and you know why I cried?
Cuz Rose was like, "It's cool." Rose came upstairs, she let me cry for a bit, right?
And she was like, "It's cool. We can save it. Let's just ring them back, make a joke about it."
She was kind of like, "Why did you just hang up?"
And I was like, "I couldn't cope with the pressure."
- Rosie, Rosie - I was like, you ...
She was like, "You could've just said, oh whoops that's your address,"
"... uh, I was talking about this property."
I was like, "No, I couldn't handle it. I just can't" - What I love, right,
is your thought process was so transparent in your voice.
You were like ... You heard the whole realization of what happened
You were literally like, "Hi, I'm interested in this property."
"Now, the property is ... No ... No ... That's ..." - I actually said that
- You actually went, Rosie, "No that's your address ..." - I went, "No, wait ..."
Beeeeeep
And then I heard you storm upstairs,
so upset with yourself that you'd made such, like, a social faux pas - I literally ...
- It doesn't even matter, but - I went "NOOO!"
"WHYYYY! WHYYYY!"
Literally, like, I put my head into the pillows and I was like,
"I'm staying here." I was like, "I'm giving up my job"
- You left all of your information - "I'm leaving town."
It's difficult, cuz I think, well first of all Maltese would never ever make that mistake,
but if she did, I think she'd, like, conquer it like,
[Rose as Maltese] Hm. Hey, yeah, sorry I went through a tunnel.
Um, I believe that your information's actually wrong on your website
And I believe this is actually your problem and a miscommunication of what you've put online.
When I called up my first driving instructor, the woman that I had driving instructions with,
I rang her up - "Driving instructions with"?
- Yeah, "driving instructions", instructions on how to drive
- Yeah. "Don't fail"
- Driving lessons
My name is Blablablah, I live at Blablablah, can you be my driving instructor?
Ring me back. My number is: 07- ... Um, wait, 0 ... Oh
Oh ... I forgot my number AAAGH beeeep - Oh my God, I was there!
I remember when you did it
You ... I was literally like, "Rosie, your number." And you went, "Hum, huh, aah, aah, AAH, AAH" [Hangs up]
- And then I called her back with my other number or ... I didn't ... I don't ...
- Did you call her back? - No, no, I think I texted her
And then when I met her, I said to her,
"Did you listen to my voice mail?" And she went, "No." And I went, "Don't listen to it."
But I knew she had.
Alright guys, that's it from Rosie and I for another week
We will see you hopefully soon, but we are going on tour next week for ten days,
so we're gonna be pretty preoccupied pleasing people in North America
- Yes. We will performing on stage every night in a different place in N. America, so,
if there's a ... if our video's late, I'm sorry, but I am busy
- She doesn't look sorry. Doesn't look sorry. She's like, - I'm not sorry. I've been ill.
"Oh I'm really sorry, I'm busy [making it rain]"
Alright guys, don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe
- Mm hm, and we'll see you next week - Seems, seems simple doesn't it? Like, comment and subscribe?
- I know. Hit the bell button - Just do it all
- Yeah, just like, comment, and subscribe - Then I won't have to say it every week
- Go the extra mile, hit the bell button - It's called a CTA, call to action, is what they call it in the biz
- It's called the Adpocalypse
- Here's another call to action - Mm hm
- Take your top off