I have had an amazing year.
Big news, can you see that right
there?
Look at that.
(audience cheering)
Oh my gosh.
Huge applause.
Thank you, my grandmother died.
And it took forever.
Do you know what I mean?
98.
I'm like, OK, go to the light, Nana.
(audience laughing)
Golly, you're holding on, lady.
You've lived a life.
(audience laughing)
Really pops in here.
Look at that light.
Watch your retinas,
you cute little biscuits.
(audience laughing)
Aw, some of you got sad.
Don't get sad.
She is not dead.
That's a horrible thing to say.
I would never say that.
She's confused,
I took it right off her hand.
(audience laughing)
Old people.
(audience laughing)
No, that's not nice, either.
Oh you got so sad.
That's not nice.
She's dead, don't worry, she's dead.
(audience laughing)
What a roller coaster of emotion.
(audience laughing)
I didn't kill her.
(audience laughing)
Just felt like I should say that,
you know what I mean?
Like, adorable, but rah!
Yeah, no, I just celebrated
a five-year wedding anniversary.
I've been married for five years.
Yeah.
Just so you know
a little self-reflection for you
all, you applauded and laughed
harder when my grandmother died.
I just wanted you to know that.
You know what I mean?
Just look to yourself
for some growth.
(audience laughing)
I'm married to a man who is very
kind and very nice
and I like him a lot.
I'm smitten, one might say.
I'm an older bride.
First time being married, not going
to do it again.
I wouldn't suggest it.
(audience laughing)
He's been married before and that
didn't work out so good, so more
evidence that someone else's trash
is another person's treasure,
am I right?
Reduce, reuse, recycle.
(audience laughing)
He's like a nice pair of Goodwill
jeans, you know what I mean?
Like really broken in,
like you can full squat in them.
Couple stains, suspicious smell,
FeBreeze, we're good to go.
(audience laughing)
Good to go.
He's cozy.
I love him.
He's good stuff.
It's funny, when you get married
later or you find someone later,
you're looking for things that are
different than when you're younger.
Right?
You're a very young, hot crowd.
I don't know if that's appropriate,
but I said it.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
Like I don't want to hit on you,
but as a collective whole,
looking good.
Nice work.
- Yow!
- Yeah, yow yow to you.
(audience laughing)
I have a niece who's 20.
This is how she talks about the love
of her life.
"If we were two amoebas
"and we were floating
"around and like finding each other
"in the universe, like,
"we would, like, found each other
"if we were..."
I don't even know what she's talking
about.
I'm like, what?
What?
If you are an amoeba?
What are you talking about?
When you're in your 40s you're like,
so do you have dental?
I'm just curious if you have
dental insurance
because I heard most people North
of 40 need a crown.
Are crowns covered
on your insurance?
My teeth are great now,
but I don't know.
(audience laughing)
He's nice, I like him.
I had a wedding, which, why not?
You know?
Like why not have a wedding,
that's what I say.
I mean, everyone else has a wedding.
Right?
And then maybe a second one.
Why can't I have one?
But I wanted to do it on the cheap,
you know?
Because that's the other thing,
I know stuff.
And my parents went on a cruise
with the money that was supposed
to be for my wedding.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
I was like, where's the money?
And they were like, "in the Bahamas."
But I wanted a wedding, I guess.
You know.
I asked if we could elope
and he was like,
"no, I'm fearful that if we elope one
"day you'll wake up
"and you'll be resentful."
And I was like, isn't that marriage?
Aren't I supposed to wake up one day
and resent you?
Isn't that normal?
(audience laughing)
I went and bought a dress, a wedding
dress.
It's funny to me
because I didn't have a lot of money
to spend on a wedding dress.
I don't know if you know this,
but there's shows on TV that are all
about buying wedding dresses.
Yeah, oh, you're saying, yes, sir.
That was surprising to me
and I love it.
There's a show called Say Yes
to the Dress, have you heard
of this show?
Yeah, it's usually on all the time.
And it's always on
and I'm not giving anything away.
No spoilers for you, handsome.
It is just dresses.
That's all it is.
It's just really wealthy people
buying dresses and usually some sort
of tragic story
that goes along with it
and they bring an entourage
of people and it's super special.
They spend a lot of money
on these dresses,
like a lot of money.
They always put them
in like a vignette and ask them,
"so tell us what your budget is
"for your special dress.
"Tell us what special dress budget."
(audience laughing)
And they're always like, the budget
for my dress today is $20,000.
What?
$20,000?
There are so many reasons I can't
spend $20,000 on a dress.
I don't even have time to tell you
all of them
right now, so I'll give you
the top two.
OK?
Coming in first,
I don't have $20,000.
That's high.
(audience laughing)
I mean, you can buy a nice tamper
with that, you know what I mean?
So that's high.
20, I don't have it.
And then the second thing
is I'm a spiller.
(audience laughing)
Do you know what I mean when I say
that to you?
Like I can't willy nilly
with a $20,000 dress
because here's what I know,
I'm going to get married,
I'm going to look great,
It's $20,000, return on investment,
it probably comes with legs,
and no one's even going to recognize
me.
They're going to be like,
"oh my goodness, who is that?"
That's Kelly.
That's what $20,000 will get you.
I'm going to have the dress on,
I'm going to look great,
and then I'm going to go
to the reception
and I'm going to want a meatball.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes.
I'm going to want a lot
of meatballs, right?
But that's a dicey food.
You can't just willy nilly
with a meatball with a $20,000
dress, right?
Because here's what I know.
I'm going to see them
from across the room
and I'm going to be like, meatball
me, and they're going to come over
to me, because I'm the bride I get
whatever I want,
and they're going to hand me
a meatball, but they're going
to give it to me on a toothpick,
which is the worst vehicle to get
food to your chew hole.
It's a stick.
It's not even structurally sound
enough to handle a meatball, right?
Children's stories have been written
about how unstructurally sound
it is.
It's a stick.
A wolf could blow it in.
(audience laughing)
But I'm going to take it, because I
want the meatball.
It's a perfect food.
And I'm going to raise it
to my mouth
and repel it off my teeth
and it's going to land on my chest
and then Plinko its way down.
(audience laughing)
It's $20,000, it's a very detailed
dress.
Give it a second.
Just want to pay it respect,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
I went to David's Bridal, which
is in my budget, which is discount
all the way.
David's Bridal, if you don't know
David's Bridal it's typically
located between a town fair tire
and some sort of sushi buffet
and you can get your checks
cashed across the street.
(audience laughing)
Not as fancy, not as fancy.
I love being married to him a lot
and I wish he was here with me,
you know?
I like it when we're together.
I like to be with him because he's
just funny and nice.
You know what I mean?
It's like he's great and I love him.
And I love being married to him.
I will say that.
I love it.
I like it when he refers to me
as his wife.
I love that.
I love it so much.
I love being married to him.
I just don't want to live with him.
I don't want to live him.
I don't want to live with anybody,
right?
I don't want to live with anybody.
He's the worst roommate.
Like legally I have to stay there.
(audience laughing)
He's just not--
Here's the thing, when we got
married
and I moved in I was like, you know
what we should get?
A duplex.
Right?
Think about how much better
your relationship would be if
every night at 9:45
you could look at your husband
and go, well, I'm going to my side.
You stay here in your underwear
watching a tree house show.
I'll be next door watching
This is Us.
Bye.
I love you.
(audience laughing)
He's so cute.
Like have you ever felt that way
about someone else?
Where you're like, you're so cute.
And then I get close to him
and he puts off a humidity that I
didn't know another human being
could offer.
He runs hot.
My husband runs hot.
You need to check in on that when
you're picking your partner.
Pick a partner that doesn't put
condensation on the windows.
Like I don't remember him running
this hot.
I don't.
When we were dating I don't recall
being like, oh, it's humid up
in here.
Like it's not a dry heat.
I can tell you that right now.
(audience laughing)
And he breathes really loud.
I did not notice that, either, when
we were courting.
You know?
Like now it's just
(panting)
like everything
(panting)
He makes a lot of noises.
(panting)
I'm like, OK.
In and out.
He's always near me, too.
He likes to be near me.
He's like, "what are you doing?
"What are you up to?
"What are you going to do?
"What are you doing today?
"When are you--"
(panting)
I'm like, well I was going
to go poop with the bathroom door
open but then I remembered you live
here, so I'm not going to do that
because boundaries.
(audience laughing)
So if you could breathe
in a different town that would help.
(audience laughing)
He chews really aggressively, too.
And again, I didn't notice
this stuff when we were dating
and now.
He cut up a cantaloupe the other day
and was like
(chewing sounds)
It's melon.
It is almost ready to finish
its journey
when you put it in your mouth.
Two chomps, tops, right?
Cantaloupe.
(chewing sounds)
It depends on how ripe it is.
We're a melon-free zone now
at our house.
(chewing sounds)
I do love spending time with him,
though.
Hanging out with him is my favorite.
I love it.
We are very lazy human beings.
Like we don't want to do stuff.
Right?
And when you find that
in another person, oh my gosh.
Between that, Grubhub, and Netflix,
we don't leave the house.
We don't have to go anywhere.
Like our life is complete.
We like inside.
OK?
We don't like outside.
Inside we've set it up exactly
the way we want it.
We don't need to go out.
Like, you're never going to overhear
us at a party say something like,
yeah, yeah, we're training
for a tough mudder.
Like we're never going to say that.
Like, you're never going to see us
bringing a dish or meeting you there
or registering or, you know what I
mean?
We don't want to do that.
We don't.
We just bought power recliners.
Does that tell you everything you
need to know about us?
Yes, it does.
That means we found each other
and then we walked into a place,
a furniture store if you will,
together as a united front
and we were like, yes, Todd.
You can help us.
We want a seating arrangement
where we are laying down with just
our head up
so that we can live like otters
while we watch television.
Do you have that, Todd?
(audience laughing)
Oh, and Todd?
We don't want to do a bicep curl
to get there.
This is too much.
Don't bring us that hash
around here.
We want to push a button, wa-wa-wa,
Todd.
(audience laughing)
It's the laziest piece of furniture
on the planet, only second
to the chaise lounge.
Like no one can spring into action
from a power recliner.
It's impossible.
You can't do it.
You can't once you go back and down
and you are in full otter.
(audience laughing)
We've been in those power recliners.
Like the other night
we were holding hands eating Buffalo
wings and someone rang the doorbell
and we both just went,
(audience laughing)
I mean,
if it's important they'll come back,
right?
(audience laughing)
If our house caught on fire,
we'd have a real Sophie's choice
of deciding who gets to live.
(audience laughing)
We love it.
We love to relax and chill out
together.
It's the best.
We're very sleepy people.
We're not good sleeping partners,
though.
There's a difference, OK?
He's a snorer.
Yeah.
I could hear you wheezing over
there, yeah.
(audience laughing)
It's always that way.
When you have a pair of people,
right, one person's typically
a snorer and the other person
is a liar because whoever falls
asleep first wins, right?
Like that's it.
Whoever falls asleep
first is the winner
and the other person gets to plot
your death for the entire night.
His snore is so loud it is
like sleeping in an MRI machine.
Like it's that loud.
Like no earplugs can keep it up.
And it started normal when we were
younger and in love and married.
It was a normal snore,
it was kind of cute.
I was like, oh, you're
like a giant bear.
Rawr.
Let me be the small spoon bear, rawr
rawr.
Right?
Now, five years in, he's
let his guard down.
Now it's like an in noise
normal, but the out is like a cry
for help.
(snorting and crying)
It's terrifying.
(audience laughing)
Like the apnea is just knocking
at the door.
(snorting and crying)
(audience laughing)
Sometimes it's a question.
(snorting)
It's so weird.
That's terrifying in the middle
of the night, OK?
I don't want to be woken up
to that noise.
Sometimes it sounds like my name.
(snorting)
"Kelly!"
I'm like-- It's so awful
and loud and hot,
as I've already covered.
He can also just go to bed, which
is infuriating, honestly.
Like he can just turn it off.
Every night, 9:25, he starts doing
sleepy time baby.
He's like, can't keep his eyes
open, right?
And then he's just nodding
and fading and then he'll fall
asleep for a full hour.
And I don't mean
like a resting my eyes situation,
like a full REM cycle.
Like t-shirt's a half shirt,
boxers are now a Speedo, like slunk
down,
peek-a-boo slip happening.
It's very unnerving.
(audience laughing)
And then he wakes himself up,
because, well, the banshee.
(snorting and crying)
Scared, doesn't know where he is,
(crying)
I'm tired.
Yeah, I figured that out when you
fell into a coma
and ruined the Masked Singer,
which is already bad.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and then he just leaves.
He's like, "I'm tired.
"I'm going back.
"Goodnight."
30 seconds after leaving the room
(snorting and crying)
I'm like,
did he even make it to the bed?
Am I just going to find him face
down in the hallway?
I'll leave him, it's better for me,
but I hope he didn't hit his head.
I love him.
(audience laughing)
I can't just go to bed.
Never in my 40 plus years of living
have I ever gone, oh I'm so sleepy.
Bye, everyone.
Goodnight.
Like never, right?
I can't do it.
I can't.
I've tried.
No, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing.
Like shutting this down?
It's like closing
and restocking a Home Depot.
Like there's a lot, there's so much
going on in there.
It's a board meeting at all times,
right?
I mean they're working late,
they just ordered Panera, Joanne
really wants to get her point
across,
like you can't just lay down and go
to sleep.
Right?
As soon as I hit the pillow,
my head's like, hey, got a pen?
We got some things to work out.
"Oh, I'm so tired."
I don't care.
Do you think this is
the right haircut for your face?
(audience laughing)
How about your retirement?
Have you thought about that?
Hmm, have you?
Should you be eating gluten?
It's awful.
(audience laughing)
I'm also just not the best sleeper
anyway.
I never have been.
I freak myself out a lot.
I'm scared of two things,
an intruder and a ghost.
And my online therapist
says that both are very unlikely.
(audience laughing)
With that said, I love True Crime.
I can't stop watching True Crime.
Any fans?
Yes?
(audience applauding)
Oh I love it.
I can't stop, won't stop, OK?
I watch ID Channel on a loop, OK?
I like the podcasts now.
I'm a murderino.
I listen to all of it.
You know?
Here's the problem.
When you lay down to go to bed
after listening to copious amounts
of True Crime--
My final thought is always,
someone probably
someone probably followed me
home from the Whole Foods
because they want some of this.
(audience laughing)
They probably saw me touching things
with my tiny hands,
my freakishly tiny hands,
and they were like, "I love
"tiny hands."
(audience laughing)
So I wear a lot of layers to bed,
a lot of pajamas with buckles
and snaps and zippers and Velcro,
right?
Because if you're going to get me,
you're going to work for it.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
I want you confused.
I want you like, why is it--
(audience laughing)
(zipper sound effect)
I love Dateline.
Anyone else?
I don't know how many people
do this.
I love Dateline.
Dateline, there's a specific person
on Dateline
that I love with all of my essence
and being and it's Keith Morrison.
- Woo!
- Yes, woo.
(audience laughing)
If you don't know who Keith Morrison
is, yeah you do.
You do.
He's the older silver fox who always
wears a leather jacket and his best,
as my father would say, dungarees.
And he's a little
Weekend at Bernie's ish, still
handsome, though.
Like he's got it going on
and he tells the best scary story.
Like, always.
He leaves you with a lot of suspense
and anticipation.
He starts every one the same way.
In a sleepy seaside town
(audience laughing)
on homecoming night, they
won the big game.
(audience laughing)
The bonfire embers are still
burning.
(audience laughing)
Everyone should be home, it's
past curfew, but on a winding road
someone's not going to win the game.
(audience laughing)
I'm hooked.
Can't stop.
I love him.
Let's cut to ghosts.
Ghosts are scary.
That's it.
That's all I need to say about it.
(audience laughing)
No one wants to--
When people say they don't believe
in ghosts I'm like,
liar.
Right?
There's no way
because when you wake
up in the middle of the night
in the month of October in any given
year and all the commercials are
scary dolls,
you're afraid you're going to see
a scary doll when you go potty
at 2:00 AM.
I don't care who you are,
you're going to walk carefully
because if there's a doll
or children singing,
you'll set your own house on fire.
(audience laughing)
When I travel for work
and I have to stay in a lot
of hotels, if they ever send me over
where I'm staying
and it says the words, manor, bed
and breakfast, historical,
near a train track,
restored to its original grandeur,
nope, I don't want to stay there
because those places are always
haunted.
They're always, every single time,
haunted.
Every time, right?
And you know this because when you
check in they get all cheeky
with you
and they're like, "hi, have you
"stayed with us before?"
(audience laughing)
Uh, no, I have not.
"Oh, well are we feeling brave
"tonight?"
(audience laughing)
You have to ask why, right?
Why?
Why are you asking me that?
"Well, I'm just wondering if you want
"to stay in room 202."
Why?
What's with room 202?
Just tell me what it is.
Just tell me.
"Well it's said in stories told
"that in room 202
"the fair maiden hung herself waiting
"for the captain to return from sea.
"She comes to you in the night,
"she strokes your face,
"she turns on and off your television
"set, she also turns up your heat,
"turns it down, makes it cold,
"makes it hot,
"sits on the edge of your bed
"and caresses your face.
"Do you want to stay?"
No, I don't.
I want to punch you in the neck.
(audience laughing)
No, I don't want to stay there.
I'm never going to stay there.
I'm not.
Do you know what's never haunted?
A Hampton Inn.
(audience laughing)
They're never haunted.
Hampton Inns are never haunted,
they're not.
They have free waffles,
too, I'd like to offer
and you can have as many
as you want.
Oh, what's my record?
15.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
Make your own waffle.
(audience laughing)
When I travel
I don't tend to go outdoors.
It's weird.
Through the fall people
that want me to hike with them.
I'm not a hiker.
I don't want to hike.
Pass.
But I get invited a lot because I'm
cute.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm cute and I'm bubbly.
People are like,
"you'd be so fun on a hike."
I'm like, no, I wouldn't.
I'm really close to the ground
and I get hit with sticks and leaves
and I'm a tick wonderland.
So, no.
Bugs love me.
I don't want to be
close to the ground outdoors
with you hiking.
I'm always polite, because people
who hike love it, right?
I can feel some of you're hikers.
I can sense it from you.
Some of you were like, what are you
going to say about it?
I dare you.
I'll make you follow me
to the woods.
Yeah, please don't.
Yeah, I get it, you love hiking.
I love being alone with myself
and my thoughts in nature, blah.
My thoughts are a dumpster fire,
I do not need to be alone with them
at all.
Yeah, I always decline politely.
"Would you like to go hiking?"
No, thank you.
"Are you sure?
"Do you want to think about it?"
I just did.
No.
"Is it because you don't have hiking
"shoes?"
No, it's not an equipment fail.
I just don't want to go hiking.
Recently someone said this to me.
"All right, Kelly, fine.
"What if we pack a sandwich,
"a whole lunch?"
(audience laughing)
Well now you're implying
I'm a chubby piece of crap that
would hike for a sandwich.
(audience laughing)
I know.
(audience clapping)
I always wear matching pajamas
to bed.
Anyone else?
- Woo.
- Yeah, woo.
Thanks for the woo.
Yeah, it's not because
of my husband.
People are like,
"is it for your husband?"
I'm like, no.
No, my husband wouldn't notice if I
came to bed in a chicken suit
because he is out like a light.
He'd be like,
(snorting and crying)
"Chicken!"
He doesn't know.
No, not at all.
Yeah, I wear matching pajamas
because, and this might be a little
morbid, but if I should die
in my sleep
I want the first reaction when
someone finds me to be, cute.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
The second thing would be what
if when you pass,
what you're wearing
is what you have to wear
in the afterlife?
(audience laughing)
Think about that for a second.
Like how did you go to bed
last night?
Did you go Winnie the Pooh style,
just a shirt, no pants?
Right?
I don't want to show up
at the new dead people mixer wearing
a blown out crotch pair of leggings
and an old Duran Duran t-shirt.
That's not how you make friends
and influence people.
Dress for the job you want.
I wear matchy matchy thermals
like a giant baby.
I want chubby cherub on a cloud.
Like I want to walk in and have them
be like, "kid, you've got what it
"takes.
"Give her a harp, let's see her play."