How are you?
- I'm doing really well. - It's very good to see you.
It's nice to be here.
Laine, I got bad news for you.
Yeah?
I used to look just like you when I was your age.
He's only 19. Did you know that?
- That's exactly how I looked. - Is that right?
Oh, man. I'm sorry--
It doesn't end well.
You know you have a hole in the armpity of your sweater?
You wear that-- no, on the other one.
On the armpit.
Is that where your--
That one. Yeah.
There you go.
Yeah.
There you go.
That's on purpose, for the scratching.
[LAUGHTER]
Well--
I didn't know that. I--
Wardrobe aside, it's a delight to have you here.
It's nice to be here.
Are we almost done?
Almost.
These are hard to do.
If you took off that sweater, you'd been in all denim, right?
Wouldn't you?
I think the all denim look's coming back.
- Is it really? - Yeah.
Have you been hanging around in Jay Leno's garage?
[LAUGHTER]
He does like denim.
He does like--
He loves denim.
Well, it's great to have you here.
Thank you.
I'm always pleased to have you here.
You know, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is on--
Yes, and I don't think I should be first guest.
I mean, this is--
It's too late.
There were four giant SUVs, 20, like, security people.
She-- the world's ending.
She should have been the first guest.
Not some washed up, bearded comedian.
I mean, I drove a Volkswagen Golf here.
[LAUGHTER]
But I can't wait to hear what fancy Pelosi has to say.
You know what the best part of the Volkswagen Golf thing is?
I know that there's an 85% chance you really did
drive a Volkswagen Golf here.
I'd say it's 100%.
Yes.
100%.
Last week, I got to see you and David Letterman.
You sat down for an interview with David Letterman.
It was kind of a--
it was just, like, an industry event.
Mhm.
And it was a lot of-- did you have fun with that?
I did.
I-- he interviewed me for something, and I--
still, I don't even know what it is, but--
Well, his Netflix show--
I hear he hasn't show on Netflix, but--
He does, yes.
Yes, but somehow--
anyway, anyway, I-- he interviewed me for it.
You were there, and it was a long-- it was,
like, an hour and 20 minutes.
And-- you know, I never know what to talk about it.
And after the interview, he handed you an envelope.
- Well-- - Right?
No, he handed you an envelope.
I thought you handed it--
- He showed it to me first. - Oh, OK.
Yes. Yeah.
So Mr. Letterman hands me this envelope,
after I had done this interview with him.
And in my mind I thought, oh, it's going to be--
I don't know-- a massage gift certificate?
Can I tell you something?
That's 100% what I thought it was going to be, too.
Or, like, to a fancy res-- I don't know.
It was in, like, a--
It was, like, a long business envelope.
Yeah, it was in, like, a hotel envelope.
Yeah.
And I get it, and I can see he's still
looking at me, Mr. Letterman.
And I open it, and it's just the lyrics to "Freebird."
He didn't even sign it.
And he's looking at me across the room,
like, pretty good gift, right?
It is the best thing-- it's the best thing I've ever gotten.
My favorite thing about it was that it was on two pages.
So you didn't even, like--
there aren't that many words to Freebird.
No. It was on two--
It was a two pager, so impossible for framing.
But-- will you frame that? - I will.
I will frame it.
You will put that up in your home?
Yes.
Yeah, I was very honored that he--
Did you send him a thank you note for that gift?
He called me after the show.
Oh.
And-- to thank me again.
And it was so nice.
And-- and I don't know, I got nervous talking to him
on the phone, for some reason.
And I tried to be funny.
Mhm?
And I hear him say to his assistant,
as I'm trying to do this--
he goes oh, god, I'm stuck in the middle of a bit
with Zach Galifianakis.
[LAUGHTER]
And I can tell he's trying to get off the phone.
And I hung up on him.
I go OK, I'll just call you tomorrow, and I hung up.
Knowing I'll never talk to him again.
It was fun watching you guys talk.
I know you said--
I know it was uncomfortable for you, but it was a lot of fun.
I wished it was longer.
It went right by for me. - It was too long.
Way, way--
It was not too long.
You've been a guest-- how many times have you been here,
would you guess? Do you have any idea?
How many times have I--
- Been on this show, yeah. - Oh, man.
I've had so many projects over the years.
Yeah.
You want to know the answer?
Yes. Yes.
Yes.
You've been a guest on this show 167 times.
No, I just made that up.
Gosh.
- 20? - More than that, definitely.
21.
Because there were times-- there was a time--
It's not an auction.
There was a time that we had weird combinations of guests.
And I was going through some old photographs, and I found one.
And I sent this to you.
You did.
That is probably-- it might be my favorite photograph
from the whole run of the show.
This is one of those showbusiness things--
I don't put anything up at my house, or any of that.
I don't like to be reminded of what business I'm in.
But this-- this is--
So this is from 2003.
And you can see that--
there's Zach.
Wearing the same jeans, by the way.
Yep. The same pair.
Those are the--
Yeah, the same pair.
I had no--
This is OJ's attorney, Johnnie Cochran.
There's me.
And this is Alf, who was--
who was there that night, also.
Yeah.
And this was not when Alf was popular, by the way.
This is--
Normie!
This is a solid 18 years after Alf was popular.
Do you remember anything about that night?
All I remember-- and I don't want to be vulgar,
because Nancy Pelosi is here, and I'm being serious.
Yeah?
I told Alf that night to F off.
Not on air.
Just, like, behind the scenes.
You did?
Yes.
And he did.
Yeah.
I love Alf.
I've always loved Alf.
Same here.
I loved Alf-- I feel like Alf is very underrated.
Very underrated.
Why did you curse him, then?
I just have always-- since I was a child, I've always
wanted to say [BLEEP] off, Alf.