-I've eaten a ChapStick. -Wow!
I rolled up a whole ChapStick, and went, "Neh," and-
-How old were you? -I was like 27.
Oh, really? What the hell? Why did you do that?
I mean, so you just go through phases, curiosity.
Good for you.
Yeah. I ate a Milk-Bone not that long ago.
Really?
I was alone.
I mean it was a weird choice, but I had this idea
that it could be like a meat biscotti,
like something you'd eat with soup.
It didn't work out.
It didn't work. It was gross?
No, not good.
ChapStick and a Milk-Bone. Sick.
What's up, everybody? Welcome to Stupid Questions.
I'm Chris Distefano, aka Chrissy Calamari.
With me, Emmy Blotnick, and she has got a half-hour special,
it's on Comedy Central,
which you knew that because you're watching.
E-Train, anyone ever call you that?
No, I like it.
Oh, perfect. This is good. We're on the E-Train,
it's a good train, it's a solid train.
I don't know how you say it in dolphin,
but I'd wanna ask them do you wish you had hair?
Yeah. Right?
I wonder if dolphins are ever like,
"Oh, I just wish I could flip around."
My hair, that's true. You know dolphins,
one thing I learned about them is they have sex for pleasure.
A lot of animals don't do that.
They also rape each other.
-That is true too. -Yeah.
What are you gonna do? There's a dark side to dolphins.
It's true, there are two sides to every coin, dolphins.
If you could be a dog, I could just press a button,
and you'd turn into a dog, who would you wanna like adopt you?
I'd wanna be probably like medium-sized terrier,
and I would want The Rock to adopt me.
That's awesome answer.
Yeah, you want those big arms you can feel safe in.
What would I be? I'd be a bulldog.
That feels right.
Just because I've always wanted to be British,
so I'd feel like a British-
Oh, you'd be an English bulldog?
I'd be an English bulldog.
-Okay. -Specifically.
I wanna be adopted by like the queen.
I'd wanna be like a royal British bulldog.
That's a beautiful answer.
Because you know that they've got royal staff
to like clean the shit out of your wrinkles.
Get that swab in there.
Yeah, my dumb fat face.
Remove your crust.
Here's the plan-
Anything you want Emmy, you're gonna get.
All right, all right, okay.
Here's what we're doing.
We're going to the Metropolitan Museum,
and we're taking all the giant stone dickless men,
and we're gonna ... I'll move it into my house.
It'll just be like 40 or 50-
Dickless men.
... stone men with no dicks.
And then would you wanna put dicks on them,
or are they just gonna remain dickless?
The dicks are in a separate room,
and that's how I feel powerful.
Absolutely.
You think when they make you in stone,
is someone you wronged gonna come and chop the dick off?
Here's what I hope doesn't happen.
I hope when and if they do make me in stone,
they don't make me with steroid dick,
because steroid dick is a little dick.
But the butt is great, right?
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
From the back it's gonna look unbelievable.
That's how I like men.
I like a little dick, and a big fat ass.
There it is. Samesies.
See I feel like the no TP situation is like the reality.
That is just what happens.
You've been in that, we've all been in that situation.
Whereas I'd like to save my good farts
for my own wedding, you know?
I feel like I wanna hold them in until it's my day.
Can you please 100% invite me to your wedding
if you plan on doing that?
Yes.
Literally, I'll pay for my own, I'll pay for everything.
I just wanna be there.
You've got it, and if you've got a good one,
you can do it there too.
Because I'm holding in a sick one.
Yeah, if anyone says, "Anyone object?"
I'll just rip it.
I'm gonna put it on the registry, one giant fart,
but then it'll say that it's been claimed already.
-Chrissy D. -Yeah.
Chrissy Colonoscopy.
-Did you have a good time- -Yes.
... on the show Stupid Questions?
And you know what I want to get you?
A stupid gift now.
I was inspired by your joke, which I loved,
and you guys loved, the self potato bit.
So look what I got you.
Oh.
Look at that, your own little self potato.
This is beautiful.
There you go, it's got half a mouth.
That's real human hair. I took pieces of your hair
when you were sleeping over the course of the last year.
There you go, and I made it, so it's cute.
I have a gift for you too.
-You do? -I do.
Oh my God.
Hold my daughter.
I've never gotten a gift, so this is exciting.
Here's a little purple hair clip so your daughter
can put her hair back when she talks shit about your cooking.
Thank you.
This is very beautiful.