If we could wipe out selfishness, we could wipe out one-fourth of all divorces that happen.
When I’m counseling a couple on the verge of divorce, selfishness is there in placement
of love.
It’s impossible to be in love and have selfishness at the same time.
However, we’re all prone and we all have times when we’re selfish.
If you don’t believe it, have a baby.
When you have a baby, you’ll see selfishness in yourself you thought never existed and
you’ll see it even more clearly in your partner.
Although selfishness is normal and it happens to all of us, when you’re married to someone
who is excessively selfish, it will start destroying your relationship.
It begins destroying it because love is gone.
When you feel like the person no longer values their part in a relationship or is no longer
willing to do their part in a relationship, you start feeling lonely.
You start feeling bad about yourself.
You’re in a marriage with someone that doesn’t love you.
So, to help all of you who are living with a partner who is excessively selfish.
I think this is a worthwhile video.
Sit down and watch it as a start to the discussion about selfishness.
So, each person in the relationship can actually work against their selfish tendencies because
out of everything you can improve, the one characteristic that you really need in a healthy,
tight marriage is generosity, generosity with finances, generosity with spirit, and generosity
with love.
When you’re selfish, there is no generosity.
So, I’m going to go through how you know if you’re in a relationship with someone
who is excessively selfish because I think that word is thrown around a lot in arguments,
but no one really talks about it.
I think a lot of couples are afraid to really face it, face their part in enabling it and
they push it under the rug.
So, here’s how you know if you’re married to somebody who is excessively selfish.
First thing.
They expect you to clean up their mess.
They’re privileged.
They were raised that way.
They think they’re better than you.
They don’t have to clean up the mess.
They don’t know who does it.
They don’t care.
They lecture you about your duties.
The woman does this.
The man will do this.
And they lecture you about what you’re failing.
That’s really a selfish act.
All that matters is their comfort.
They always come first.
Your life is filled with their decisions.
If you’re looking at your life right now, your mortgage, your house payment and you’re
wondering how did we get here, well, you’re married to somebody selfish who made the calls
and you went along with it.
Your vacations are for their happiness.
They don’t go on vacations to really bring the family together like most healthy marriages
do.
They go on vacations for themselves.
That’s why they go, and they pack for themselves.
They don’t think about other people and who else is in the family and who else is
going and who else is important that they take care of.
They lecture about savings, but they don’t follow their own advice.
They demand physical intimacy.
They neither support nor appreciate.
If you get a raise or something happens that’s good for you at work, they act like it’s
no big deal.
They don’t really care.
They’ll find some way to bring you down about it.
Selfishness, many forms of it, are in the DSM-5, but the very act of selfishness is
not and that’s because it runs parallel with some mental illnesses.
However, you don’t need a mental illness to be selfish.
Sometimes, selfishness comes from how you’re brought up and the kind of family you grew
up in and so I usually begin there with couples saying it’s important you understand where
your partner first began this selfish thinking and the first thing is childhood experiences.
Some kind of trauma can happen in a child’s life.
If they were neglected or their parents were abusive or their parents talked over them
all the time, the child can grow up thinking this is normal, and they will be the same
way.
They will model those behaviors and if you’re feeling like you’re living with that child’s
past, I think it’s important that you talk about this, about how they grew up and then
this would be a primary way to get help with a therapist.
Secondly, the cultural impact.
Some cultures really do treat men or boys as favored.
The boy doesn’t have to do chores.
The boy doesn’t have to do work.
His sister and mother take care of other things.
If your partner has been enabled by their parents, their mother especially, then you’re
going to see that show up in your partner.
If it’s a man and you’re a woman, they’re going to take it out on you.
You’re going to become their mother unless you stop it.
Past failed relationships.
Maybe they felt like they were a good person in a past relationship and they got used and
abused.
And so, those kinds of people, many times what they’ll do is they’ll pass that on
in their relationship.
They’ll take advantage of you.
They’ll say, “Well, it really doesn’t matter what I do.
It’s just that we’re here together now, but how much I’m involved has no bearing.”,
which isn’t true.
Once again, you guys are going to have to talk about this.
Controlling nature.
If you see selfishness coming from a controlling nature, then I’d be leery that there’s
abuse behind it whether it be physical, emotional, sexual.
And for sure I’d address this and I’m going to talk to you about how to address
it.
The first thing is you need to be aware of it.
You need to be able to say to yourself, “Ok, my partner is excessively selfish and I’m
not putting up with this anymore.
I have a boundary.
This isn’t healthy.
It’s making me resentful, me not love them as much.
So, we’re going to start dealing with it.”
Then, you go to your partner and you honestly discuss it.
Don’t complain.
When you complain, they’ll ignore you because they’re used to you complaining.
When you go to them and you say, “We need to talk about this because I’m falling out
of love with you because I’m doing everything or I’m feeling overwhelmed by this situation.”
When they hear you stand up to them and confront the issue, they’re going to be more likely
to listen to you.
Secondly, focus on the positives.
When somebody’s selfish, it starts looking like that’s a whole person, but that’s
not the whole person.
That’s usually one part of them and so it’s important that you go them and you identify
the other things that are positive about them, but then remind them that there is this weakness
and it’s excessive and I want to be a part of dealing with it.
I want to be part of the team and work together to make changes to get us out of this space.
Next, let them take responsibility.
You do everything for them.
You’re becoming part of an enabler.
You’re like their parent redoing everything.
And those are the same people who say, “I have three kids.”
And they count their spouse as one of them.
That’s belittling and it will not encourage your partner to get out of it.
Let them take on some of the responsibility.
Begin by giving them a sheet of all the responsibilities and saying, “Ok, let’s split this evenly.”
That’s a wonderful way for people to start getting engaged and active with fixing the
problem.
Take yourself seriously and take care of yourself.
When you take yourself seriously that this is a problem that you shouldn’t ignore anymore,
that you’re not being a bad partner because you’re bringing it up, but you’re being
a helpful partner.
When you begin thinking that way and acting on those words, you’re starting an action
plan that’s going to be a positive in making the selfishness stop.
Speak up.
You need to use your words now.
You need to quit hinting with eye rolling, sighing, doing other passive aggressive behaviors.
Use your words and tell them.
Lastly, take a good look at what you’re living with and act with purpose.
If you feel like you’re timid, like you’re shy and you don’t know how to bring this
up, then you get a therapist and find a therapist who can identify the problem and work together
with you and your partner so you can get out of it.
Everybody gets stuck in these kinds of things from time to time.
Selfishness is normal, but when it becomes excessive, it’s just a matter of a downhill
spiral and holding it in and always going around and fixing the situation or making
it better builds resentment and resentment kills love.
Selfishness and love cannot coexist.