( LAUGHTER ) ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I'M A
REAL TECH-HEAD.
I'M ON TOP OF ALL THE LATEST CYBER TRENDS.
SEE THIS?
I USE THIS TO CHECK MY EMAIL, READ THE NEWS, AND FIND OUT WHAT
MY HEART RATE IS AFTER READING THE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE ALL GADGET HEADS, I'M
PUMPED FOR 2020'S CONSUMER ELECTRONICS SHOW, OR C.E.S.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY HIGH-TECH INNOVATIONS HAVE BEEN UNVEILED
THERE, SUCH AS THE PLASMA TV, THE BLU-RAY PLAYER, AND BACK IN
THE LATE 70S, THE ATARI.
AND AT THE FIRST C.E.S., FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) A BIG SELLER.
A BIG SELLER.
THIS YEAR, ONE OF THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT PRODUCTS AT C.E.S.
IS A ROBOTIC PET CAT CALLED MARSCAT, WHICH CAN RECOGNIZE
HUMAN FACES AND KNOWS 20 COMMANDS AND PHRASES, INCLUDING
"SIT" AND "COME HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LIKE A CAT-- IF IT WAS
NOTHING LIKE A CAT.
WHO'S BEHIND THIS ROBOTIC FELINE?
NONE OTHER THAN A STARTUP CALLED ELEPHANT ROBOTICS.
"OKAY, GUYS.
OKAY, LET'S BRAINSTORM HERE.
OKAY.
OUR COMPANY IS CALLED ELEPHANT ROBOTICS.
WHAT KIND OF ROBO-ANIMAL SHOULD WE BUILD?
MONKEY?
NO.
PUPPIES?
STUPID.
WAIT, IT'S SO OBVIOUS!
IT'S THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
CATS!" ( LAUGHTER )
NOW -- THAT WAS A LONG WALK TO THAT JOKE.
A REALLY LONG WALK.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE GOT THERE, AND THERE WAS
WATER IN THE WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THE IDEA OF PACKS OF ROBOTIC
CATS KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT, DON'T WORRY, C.E.S. HAS YOU
COVERED.
THERE'S A NEW HIGH-TECH SLEEP AID CALLED THE URGONIGHT
HEADBAND, WHICH COSTS $500 AND USES NEUROFEEDBACK THERAPY
TO MEASURE YOUR E.E.G. AND TEACH YOU HOW TO CONTROL THE BRAIN
WAVES THAT IMPACT SLEEP.
SADLY, STILL NO ADVANCEMENTS ON HOW TO CONTROL THE BRAINWAVES
THAT IMPACT YOUR DECISION TO BLOW $500 ON A PLASTIC HEADBAND.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S ONE SIZE FITS ALL,
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, SMALL ELECTRODES
AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD, AND NO GLUE IS
NEEDED.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, THAT'S DISTURBING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT
GLUE MIGHT BE NEEDED.
IT WOULDN'T BE COMFORTING IF AN OLIVE GARDEN WAITER STARTED HIS
SPIEL WITH, "OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT IS PENNE WITH CLAM SAUCE, AND--
YOU'LL BE EXCITED TO HEAR-- NO ANTIDOTE REQUIRED."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: SOME GLUE IS NEEDED.
>> Jon: GOING TO NEED A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S NOT JUST STARTUPS GETTING IN ON THE
HIGH-TECH DEVICES.
TOILET PAPER COMPANY CHARMIN IS UNVEILING A NEW PRODUCT THEY
CALL A POOPTIME ROBOT PAL.
( LAUGHTER ) NO OFFENSE, I'M SURE THE ROBOT'S
GREAT, BUT POOPTIME IS THE ONE TIME I DON'T WANT A PAL.
( LAUGHTER ) I TREASURE MY LONELINESS.
( LAUGHTER ) NO PALS.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT DOES THIS PAL DO?
APPARENTLY, IT'S SOLE JOB IS TO BRING YOU A NEW TOILET PAPER
ROLL WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST.
THIS IS HUGE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT AN ADVANCEMENT!
IT REPLACES PREVIOUS TOILET PAPER ROLL REPLACEMENT
TECHNOLOGY OF "HERE IT IS.
CAN YOU GRAB IT?
I'M JUST GOING TO THROW IT."
HERE, I'M GONNA THROW IT!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ROLL, SEGWAY IS ALSO GETTING INTO THE
GAME, DEBUTING A NEW PRODUCT CALLED THE S-POD, WHICH IS
BILLED AS A SELF-BALANCING STROLLER FOR ADULTS.
FINALLY!
I WANT IT!
WHEEL ME AROUND, ROBOT MOMMY!
THE S-POD IS PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WATCHED "WALL-E" AND
THOUGHT, "YES, THAT'S THE AMOUNT --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: -- YES, THAT IS
THE AMOUNT OF DIGNITY I DESERVE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS NON-BABY BABY STROLLER IS
NOT MESSING AROUND, BECAUSE IT CAN HIT SPEEDS OF 25 MILES PER
HOUR.
WHICH LEADS TO THE OBVIOUS QUESTION: CAN THE CHARMIN
POOP TOT -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- CAN THE POOP ROBOT KEEP UP WITH IT?
"HURRY UP, CHARMIN!
I'M POOPIN' IN MY S-POD!
THE FUTURE IS AMAZING!" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JANE
FONDA.