>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
THE ELECTION IS THREE DAYS AWAY AND TRUMP HAS FINALLY FOUND A
WINNING MESSAGE. >> YOU KNOW, OUR DOCTORS GET
MORE MONEY IF SOMEBODY DIES FROM COVID, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
[ BOOS ] >> YEAH, THAT'S OUR PRESIDENT,
RECENTLY SAVED BY DOCTORS, SAYING DOCTORS WANT MORE COVID
FOR MONEY. WHEN MAKES ME THINK TRUMP
SURVIVED COVID TO SAVE MONEY ON DOCTORS.
MULTIPLE TRUMP SUPPORTERS STRANDED AT A FREEZING COLD
RALLY IN NEBRASKA WERE HOSPITALIZED FROM HYPOTHERMIA, I
ASSUME BECAUSE TRUMP TOLD THEM JACKETS DON'T WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ] DON'T WORRY, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T
TRYING TO KILL SUPPORTERS, HE'S SUCCEEDING AT KILLING HIS
SUPPORTERS. [ LAUGHTER ]
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, AROUND 30,000 COVID CASES AND
700 DEATHS HAVE BEEN TIED TO TRUMP RALLIES.
THAT MEANS HE'S OFFICIALLY KILLED MORE PEOPLE ACROSS THE
MIDWEST THAN JEFFREY DAHMER AND JOHN WAYNE GACY COMBINED.
WHICH IS ALSO KIND OF WHAT TRUMP LOOKS LIKE.
I NEVER SAW A CANDIDATE TALKING TO GILBERT GODFREY ABOUT WHAT TO
DO IN ISRAEL. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WOULD BE INSULTING. RIGHT?
PLUS RAPPERS ARE WAY TOO BUSY TO BE LEADERS ANYWAY.
I MEAN, I LOVE ICE CUBE, BUT YOU KNOW HOW MANY JOBS HE HAS ON
TOP OF NEGOTIATING FOR BLACK PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHY MALCOLM AND MARTIN WERE SUCH GREAT LEADERS?
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ALSO WORKING ON "BARBERSHOP 4."
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> EXPERTS SAY JOE BIDEN COULD
WIN IN GEORGIA IF HE CAN ASSEMBLE A COALITION OF BLACK
VOTERS, WHITE WOMEN, BASICALLY "THE VOICE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >>> JARED KUSHNER, WHO ALSO
LOOKS LIKE A CHILD DRESSED UP FOR A FUNERAL --
[ LAUGHTER ] JARED SAID MONDAY THAT
BLACK AMERICANS HAVE TO WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES IF THEY WANT TO
BE SUCCESSFUL. YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST A GUY WHO THINKS THE BLACK EXPERIENCE
IS THE HIGHEST TIER AT AMERICAN EXPRESS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THIS ELECTION, BECAUSE THE TENSION IS
KILLING ME. I DON'T NO WHAT THIS WORLD'S
GOING TO BE AFTER TUESDAY. I MAY NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN,
COLIN. WE MIGHT BOTH GET DRAFTED IN THE
RACE WAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU JUST MARRIED SCARLETT
JOHANSSON. I JUST BOUGHT A NEW ELECTRIC
BIKE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE'RE BOTH DOING EQUALLY GREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I FEEL LIKE THE BAND ON "THE
TITANIC." EVERYTHING'S GOING BAD AND I'M
UP HERE, LIKE, HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED
ACCOUNTANT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE ONE ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED
ACCOUNTANT? >> HE COULDN'T BUDGE IT SO HE
HAD TO WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] YOU NEVER HEARD THAT?
WHATEVER, MAN. >>> THE ELECTION IS ONLY THREE
DAYS AND I'M A LITTLE WORRIED, MAINLY BECAUSE OF THAT JOKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL I THINK AND BELIEVE IS WE
CANNOT DO ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP.
IT TOO IS MUCH. EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AFTER TWO
HOURS OF SLEEP AND I GOOGLE "AMERICA, STILL DEMOCRACY?"
[ LAUGHTER ] EVEN IF YOU LIKE TRUMP, AT THIS
POINT YOU HAVE TO BE EXHAUSTED. REMEMBER THAT FRIEND YOU HAD WHO
AT 4:00 A.M. WOULD BE LIKE, YEAH, WHERE WE GOING NEXT?
YOU'RE LIKE, THIS IS FUN BUT IF I KEEP HANGING OUT WITH THIS
DUDE, I'M GOING TO DIE. [ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT NOW IT FEELS LIKE TRUMP WANTS US TO DO ANOTHER BUMP FROM
WHATEVER HE GOT FROM HIS MUPPET DOCTOR, JUST SEE WHERE THE NIGHT
TAKES US. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I
THINK I'M CALLING A DESIGNATED DRIVER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I JUST REALLY HOPE HE ALSO
BRINGS THIS GUY WITH HIM. >> OH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S WHAT I DO!
THAT'S WHAT I DO! >> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]