TODAY, THE PRESIDENT WAS IN OHIO TALKING ABOUT INFRASTRUCTURE.
CHECK YOUR CALENDARS.
IT'S ALWAYS INFRASTRUCTURE WEEK.
AND TALKING ABOUT CONSTRUCTION BROUGHT BACK HAPPY MEMORIES.
>> THAT IS WHAT I DO, IS, I BUILD.
I WAS ALWAYS VERY GOOD AT BUILDING.
IT WAS ALWAYS MY BEST THING.
I THINK, BETTER THAN BEING PRESIDENT!
>> Stephen: OH, DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, SIR.
YOU SUCK AT BOTH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
INFRASTRUCTURE...
AND TRUMP REMINISCED ABOUT HIS FAVORITE PART OF BUILDING.
>> I LOVE THE SMELL OF A CONSTRUCTION SITE.
RIGHT?
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
>> STEPHEN: "I LOVE IT.
IT'S THE SMELL OF LOANS FROM DAD AND LOOMING BANKRUPTCY."
( LAUGHTER ) AAAHHH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT, AGAIN, THIS WAS AN INFRASTRUCTURE RALLY, SO HE
TALKED ABOUT "ROSEANNE."
>> EVEN LOOK AT ROSEANNE, I CALLED HER YESTERDAY.
LOOK AT HER RATINGS.
LOOK AT HER RATINGS!
I GOT A CALL FROM MARK BURNETT, HE DID "THE APPRENTICE," HE'S A
GREAT GUY.
HE SAID, DONALD, I CALLED JUST TO SAY HELLO, AND TO TELL YOU,
DID YOU SEE "ROSEANNE'S" RATINGS?
I SAID, MARK, HOW BIG WERE THEY?
"THEY WERE UNBELIEVABLE, OVER 18 MILLION PEOPLE, AND IT WAS
ABOUT US."
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, "ROSEANNE" IS ABOUT THE TRUMPS?
WELL, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE EPISODE WHERE JOHN GOODMAN BLOWS
THEIR VACATION MONEY PAYING OFF A PORN STAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: IS THAT EPISODE TWO?
THREE.
EPISODE THREE.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: EPISODE TWO, HE HAS SEX WITH HER.
EPISODE THREE, HE PAYS HER OFF.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REASON WHY TRUMP CROWED
ABOUT THE RATINGS IS THAT ON THE SHOW, ROSEANNE AGREES WITH
TRUMP.
IT'S BEEN CALLED REFRESHING.
WELL, I'D LIKE 18 MILLION PEOPLE TO WATCH MY SHOW, SO LET ME
SERVE SOME REFRESHMENT: I AGREE WITH DONALD TRUMP ABOUT
SOMETHING.
CNN LIES.
OKAY?
HEAR ME OUT.
LAST NIGHT, WE HAD MY OLD FRIEND DANA CARVEY ON THE SHOW, AND HE
DID A GREAT IMPRESSION OF THE NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR,
JOHN BOLTON.
CHECK IT OUT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- SANCTIONS-SCHMANCTIONS, MANDY
PATANKTIONS, I'M GOING TO SEND SOME BIG FAT TANKS IN!
BABBITY-BOO, SLABBITY-BOO, RADDLE-DIDDLE-DIDDLEDIDDLE-
DIT, HAAAAA!
WAAAAACCCH, POOF!
>> STEPHEN: A VERY SUBTLE, NUANCED PORTRAYAL.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THIS MORNING, CNN HAD AN
ARTICLE ABOUT IT, WHICH WAS NICE, BUT THE HEADLINE WAS "LOOK
WHO'S PLAYING JOHN BOLTON ON S.N.L."
FAKE NEWS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I TAKE EVERYTHING BACK.
UH APOLOGIZE!
DONALD TRUMP IS A GREAT PRESIDENT.
COME ON!
COME ON, CNN, THIS ISN'T "S.N.L."
UNLESS YOU THINK "S.N.L." STANDS FOR "STEPHEN'S NIGHTLY LAUGHS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT CLIP WASN'T "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE:" IT WAS A WEDNESDAY, WE TAPE DURING THE DAY, AND IT'S
NOT LIVE.
LAUGH YOU GOT THREE THINGS WRONG IN
THREE LETTERS!
STILL, IT'S NICE JUST TO BE RECOGNIZED.
SO, THANK YOU, MSNBC.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO BRAGGED ABOUT THE
CHANGES HE'S MADE IN THE VETERAN'S AFFAIRS
ADMINISTRATION.
>> I HAD PASSED THE V.A.
ACCOUNTABILITY-- ACCOUNTABLE -- THE ACCOUNTABILITY ACT, AND,
NOW, WHEN THEY ARE BAD TO OUR VETS OR THEY ARE NOT WORKING FOR
OUR VETS, WE SAY "HEY, JIM, YOU'RE FIRED!
GET OUT OF HERE, JIM!
GET OUT.
THAT WAS A BIG DEAL.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IF HIS NAME WAS JIM!
IT'S NOT.
IT'S DAVID!
DAVID SHULKIN.
YOU FIRED HIM YESTERDAY!
( LAUGHTER ) HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO
FORGET SOMEONE'S NAME?
"I TELL YOU, SHE ONLY LEFT THIS MORNING, BUT I ALREADY MISS MY
OLD COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, HARPIE HOOPS."
SHULKIN'S BEING REPLACED BY PRESIDENTIAL DOCTOR AND GUY WHO
EATS WHITE STRIPS FOR BREAKFAST, RONNY JACKSON.
NOW, ONE OF THE REASONS SHULKIN LOST THE JOB IS, HE ABUSED HIS
TRAVEL PRIVILEGES AND WAS ACCUSED OF LYING ABOUT IT.
AND AT LEAST NO ONE'S EVER ACCUSED DOCTOR JACKSON OF LYING.
>> WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CONSENT I RELEASED THE FOLLOWING
HEALTH INFORMATION.
HEIGHT: 75 INCHES.
WEIGHT: 239 POUNDS.
>> STEPHEN: I STAND CORRECTED.
NOW, WHILE I'M SURE HE'S A GOOD DOCTOR -- HE WAS OBAMA'S DOCTOR,
TOO, RIGHT?
THE V.A. IS THE SECOND LARGEST AGENCY IN OUR
GOVERNMENT, SERVING 22 MILLION VETERANS, AND JACKSON IS JUST
SOME GUY HE MET WEARING A PAPER ROBE.
EVIDENTLY, TRUMP JUST HIRES PEOPLE HE SEES AROUND.
WE WERE ONE DELIVERY AWAY FROM HAVING DEFENSE SECRETARY
DOMINO'S GUY.