Hey there, this is Clay and I know it's been a few months since I've put a video up here,
but I'm going to be getting back into the habit of doing that and to get things started,
I'm going to start by talking about something called the Wall of Reactance.
Now this is one of the five phases of getting back together with your ex.
Um, if you'd like, I can also go ahead and make more videos on the other phases as well.
But for now I'm just going to talk about the Wall of Reactance and it's kind of something
that a lot of people experience.
Um, and here's how to, how to tell if you are going through the Wall of Reactance, if
that's something that you're experiencing right now because that's kind of a weird term
that maybe not everybody knows and you're going through the Wall Reactance.
If every time you try to reach out to your ex you just met with like nothing, they just
ignore you.
Or maybe they just write back something like really hostile or they say something really
mean to you.
Either that or they just responded something really cold like we're through and it's just
no emotion whatsoever.
And if that is the case, then you are in one of the phases of getting back together, called
the Wall of Reactance.
Okay?
So let's get into what is going on here and what you can do moving forward.
Okay.
So this phase here is really, um, it's really about a feeling of reactance that your ex
is having towards you.
So now reactance is not a common word that we really use in our society these days very
often.
So let me go ahead and explain to you what that word means.
So reactance is that feeling that you get, like when you're just sitting around at home
or something like that, and you hear a knock on the door, somebody rings the doorbell and
you get up and you open the door and you see that there's like a door to door vacuum cleaner
salesman.
They're getting ready to come into your house and show you a demonstration on, you know,
how great this amazing vacuum is.
And you know, you're not expecting this at all.
You're just sitting there watching TV, doing whatever, cooking dinner, I don't know, but
this guy is just trying to like interrupt what you're doing to try to sell you a vacuum
to, to try to fulfill his ulterior motive.
That is kind of what that feeling of reactance is.
It's that feeling of like, oh, can we just get this over with kind of slammed the door
and like run away screaming or something like that is the feeling of reactance and if you
are experiencing some of those things that I described earlier with your ex.
When you try to contact them, then your ex is feeling a feeling of reactance toward you.
Okay.
And I know that's not a great place to be, but they're feeling the exact same way.
And what you need to understand is that right now I'm either because maybe the breakup is
really fresh or maybe because you've done things in the past that have just pushed them
to the edge, you know, and maybe called them a billion times or, or wrote them a bunch
of long love poems or something like that.
You know, they have just been pushed to that place where they have this like thick wall
of reactance around them to protect them from you.
And um, oftentimes this can be really hard because oftentimes we feel that, you know,
it's hard to get through your ex.
It's hard to contact them.
It's hard to get them to open up, so you just have to try that much harder.
Right.
You know, if you were calling them a couple of times a day, you have to call them like
10 times more per day or you have to, you know, write them and even more heartfelt love
poem or you have to, you know, do something dramatic or drastic, um, in order to get through
to them.
And I, and that's not the way you want to go.
I mean, you know, if you do something extreme, you might get some kind of response from them,
but it's not going to be a great response and it's not going to get you where you want
to go.
And ultimately in the long run it will just really thicken up those walls of reactance
around your ex.
So what you really want to do is in most cases you may want to consider number one, going
into a period of Active No Contact for a while, not just regular No Contact, where you just
sit down and just zone out and, you know, keep busy and distract yourself and all that
stuff.
That doesn't work.
We already talked about that in other videos.
So I'm not going to go over that here.
Um, but you want to do Active No Contact for a while.
And then what you want to do is you need to understand something, okay, you need to understand
this, this really key point here.
And that's that right now based on where your ex is at emotionally they don't want to talk
to you about things like the relationship or the breakup or you know, how much in love
with them you are and stuff like that.
They, they, they're just not at a place where they're ready for that.
Okay?
And every time you talk about that there, that every time you like interact with them,
every time you reach out to them, they're going to think that you have that ulterior
motive of trying to get back together, trying to apologize, trying to tell them how much
you love them, trying to explain how great the two of you are together or something like
that.
And that's just going to really push them further into the Wall of Reactance, you know,
it's, it's like that, that, that talk about the relationship that's like the, hey, would
you like to buy this vacuum cleaner kind of sales pitch that, that, um, that the door
to door vacuum cleaner guy has and that's what your ex is like weary about that.
Like, okay, what's going on here?
You, I know you're trying to sell me something.
So they're really on the defense and you have to be weary of that.
So when you do reach out to them, you do not want to bring up subjects like the breakup.
Like, uh, you know, your relationship, like getting back together, like commitment, like
and anything like that.
You can bring that stuff up later.
Okay.
That, that stuff can come up later.
That's absolutely fine.
You can talk about that later, but right now where your ex is at emotionally.
They are not prepared to have that discussion.
Okay.
Right now they just want to have a human to human interaction that feels good on an emotional
level where they can connected to someone else where they can feel like, you know, you're
an actual person there who was actually willing to listen to them, who's willing to get and
understand where they're at and you're not just there to try to, you know, like strong
arm them back into a relationship or a commitment or something like that.
And that's what you need to understand when it comes to getting past the Wall of Reactance.
Okay.
When you make that first contact, it cannot be about the relationship, the breakup or
anything like that.
Otherwise it's just going to put those walls right back up and it's going to make them
even thicker and harder to get through the next time.
Okay.
So when you try to reach out to your ex, understand that oftentimes you know if, if they aren't
very responsive, if they're not very open to you, that you're going to have to be dealing
with this emotion of reactance that they are experiencing and in order to get past that,
do not talk about the breakup of the relationship, how much you love them, anything like that
right now.
Again, I promise you can talk about that later, but right now you just want to have a good
interaction with them in the present moment.
You know, like imagine if you were on a first date with somebody.
You want to have a good interaction in the present moment.
You don't want to try to convince them to commit to you to be your boyfriend, girlfriend,
whatever, or marry you or anything like that.
You want to just have a fun time at the coffee shop, the dinner place, wherever you're at,
whatever you're doing on the date.
So I hope this explains a little bit too about what may be going on between you and your
ex and if you'd like to get more help on how to get back together with your ex, please
go over to relationship inner game.com and sign up for our newsletter so we can start
helping you and sending you tips today on how you can get back together with your ex.
Thanks.