(clattering) (laughs)
- I apologize if you can hear Boogs,
she's losing her mind.
Aren't we all? (chuckles)
All right, hey guys. (laughs)
(laughs) What is going on?
What is going on?
2020, what the (bleep), man? (laughs)
Hi, hello, I'm back.
In nine years, this is the longest
that I have ever gone without posting a YouTube video.
So first and foremost, thank you for your patience with me
while I took some ti--
(clattering) Boogs!
Oh, my god. (laughs)
I went back to Manitoba, I visited my family,
I moved, there's a lot going on.
A lot of really positive, wonderful things,
shifts, changes in my life,
but this doesn't feel like the time
to talk about those things.
I have gone back and forth
and back and forth and back and forth
on making this video
and whether or not it should be a whole video like this
or whether I wanted to just say something
in an introduction to one of my upcoming videos.
I just, this, speaking on this, makes me uncomfortable.
Speaking on racism,
speaking on the Black Lives Matter movement,
the rights of people of color.
I mean, partially because I'm a White person, hello,
but I think more so because I know
that there is a lot that I don't know.
I know that I do not know enough about this subject,
which that's part of the problem in itself.
The fact that I can very comfortably speak about
the rights of LGBTQ people, women's rights, animal rights,
but yet struggle or feel uncomfortable
at the idea of speaking about the rights of people of color,
(laughs) like that's, that's not okay!
I also feel like this is a time for White folks
to like sit down, shut up, like cut it out,
let's amplify some Black voices,
let's listen to people of color for once, please.
And so I didn't know if making a video like this
was me just taking up more unnecessary space
rather than allowing that space to be held
by people of color.
But that being said, I also feel like not speaking up
and not saying something is wasting this platform.
It's passive allyship,
that would be part of the problem,
that would make me an even bigger part of the problem
than I already have been, and let me be clear,
I have been a part of the problem. (chuckles)
So I've been trying to think of how I can contribute
in any sort of meaningful way
without taking up unnecessary space
while still standing up and saying,
"Holy (bleep), we need to do better." (laughs)
So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna link some resources
and videos in the description
from people of color that you can go and watch
and that I recommend you go and watch,
especially Jade Fox's video
on White lesbians here on YouTube
and the racial divide between the gays
here on this platform.
I really recommend you watch that.
I've also linked other Black creators that I adore.
Okay, for any of you who are unaware,
are there any of you who are unaware of this?
I don't, I doubt that? I hope not.
Or maybe I don't hope not,
because maybe that's the point of this
is that there's the possibility
that I'm gonna reach somebody with this video
who otherwise perhaps wouldn't be a part
of the conversation.
Join us, be a part of the conversation, please,
it's really important.
There is a movement happening right now,
well, that's been happening,
but finally people are paying attention,
finally people are listening, myself included, (bleep)
fighting for the voices of people of color to be heard.
It's not that they haven't been speaking,
it's not that they haven't been sharing
their experiences with us or trying to this entire time,
we've just been like.
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ My White life is great ♪
Please stop inconveniencing me with your struggle,
I love being protected by the police. (laughs)
And it's about (bleep) time, it's about time.
So I've been talking about this on my Instagram,
well, not really talking about it,
I've been sharing resources
and doing my best to amplify the voices of people of color
over on my Instagram, but I haven't said anything here,
I haven't done anything on this platform.
I want to be as clear and as loud as possible in saying
that Black Lives Matter, Indigenous Lives Matter,
the lives of people of color matter,
and they matter beyond
posting a black square on your Instagram.
And so here's what I think I can contribute
as a White person in this video.
I need to call myself the (bleep) out
because we need to normalize changing our opinions,
changing our behaviors, changing our beliefs
once we have new information,
and we need to normalize putting our hands up
and going, "Yeah, I'm a part of the problem."
So that's what I want to do.
I want to talk about how I have been a part of the problem
and I invite you as you listen to the things that I'm saying
about my own experience,
I invite you to reflect and to think back
about times when you were also likely a part of the problem
because we need to be able
to hear the things that we're doing wrong
or to hear the places where we need to do better
and to not get defensive
and to not just like barf White guilt all over, (laughs)
whoever it is that's, you know, sharing this with you.
Even within our own brains,
just like rationalizing and making excuses,
we need to be able to take that on,
and instead of spending that energy
trying to defend ourselves
or explain why we're not a part of the problem,
spend that energy educating yourselves,
spend that energy doing better, doing the work!
(laughs) Because Black people have been doing the work
for years, for hundreds of years!
Since day one, they've been doing the work, literally,
they built this country
so that I can walk around with not a care in the world,
so that I can walk around and benefit from this system
every single day,
so that I can act like I own the place.
And that's not even touching on Indigenous rights,
especially here in Canada.
It's just, I have learnt so much over this past month
and I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed
that I didn't know sooner, that I didn't care sooner,
that I didn't act sooner, and I'm sorry for that.
Okay, let's start calling myself out.
I'm sorry that my channel (laughs) is so (bleep) White!
Like what?
Have I ever had a person of color, a Black person,
on my YouTube channel?
(cat meows)
Yeah, I know!
I can't believe it either.
I don't think I have ever properly collaborated
with a Black person.
In my hundreds of videos, nine years on YouTube,
h-how, how?
Oh, hello, yes, look who's come to join us,
and you don't count!
You don't count because you're a cat.
I know that Jade, whose video I mentioned before,
seriously, go watch it,
I know she was in my lesbian YouTuber crushes video
from years ago,
which, hey girl. (laughs)
If you're watching this, that crush still stands for sure.
Ah, yes, great job, Alayna,
let's use this as an opportunity to hit on Jade Fox.
No, I'm sorry, I apologize, call myself out for that too.
But like that's it, is that it? That's a problem.
I also want to call myself out for
me in high school.
When I think back to the things that I said,
the things that I did, the things that I thought were funny
back in high school,
I am mortified, I am mortified at who that person was.
I said racist (bleep), I made racist jokes,
I thought that racism was funny.
I thought it was funny,
and I think that that's the kind of thing
that we think of when we think of racism.
Alayna in high school was racist, like full-stop racist.
And then I learnt that those things were not okay
and I stopped saying them
and I stopped thinking they were funny,
but that doesn't mean
that I stopped being a part of the problem
because I didn't do anything about it,
I didn't do a damn thing.
I didn't educate myself,
I didn't bring people of color onto my channel,
I didn't ask any questions when I would go to YouTube events
or conventions or panels, and basically everyone was White.
I was passive
and I didn't care, and I don't know why.
I'm so disappointed in myself,
I'm disappointed in all of us, (chuckles)
(bleep), I'm disappointed,
I'm disappointed in this system. (laughs)
I'm not mad, I'm disappointed.
I am mad, I'm also really (bleep) mad
that it took this level of uproar
for me to open my eyes and listen,
and I'm determined to do better
and I hope that all of you watching this
are also determined to do better.
So what can we do? What are we calling for?
Other than defunding the police. (chuckles)
What can you do individually? What can I do individually?
We can educate ourselves,
and I don't mean educate yourself
as in go and ask your Black friend to educate you,
absolutely not, Karen.
Google, Google exists.
We need to consume media, consume content,
consume literature created by Black people.
We can hold ourselves and each other accountable,
very important. (chuckles)
We can call out racism when we see it.
We can have conversations with friends,
conversations with family
about racism, about this movement, about human rights!
The rights of people of color are human rights!
We also need to hold brands accountable.
Some of the things that Jade was saying in her video
about Black creators being paid less than White creators
or just like the whitewashing of YouTube events and panels.
I don't know if it's that I didn't know
or that I didn't see it or maybe I just didn't care,
maybe I didn't care enough to look,
but I see it now
and I've had enough.
We've all had enough, and I'm determined, I'm committed
to doing my part to use my privilege to demand change.
Also, as individuals, we can donate
if we're financially able to do that, we can protest,
and these things are still important right now.
I know that the big push, the wave on social media
for the Black Lives Matter movement, it's peaked,
and some of you might even be looking at this video
and thinking, "Alayna, this isn't relevant anymore,
"like you're too late."
And to that I say, "Absolutely not."
We're just getting started.
These organizations still need donations,
we still need to be protesting.
The cops who murdered Breonna Taylor are still free.
(scoffing laugh) They haven't been arrested!
This is not over, we have so much more work to do.
And we can pay attention,
we can pay attention, we have to pay attention,
we have to listen.
I love YouTube, I love this platform,
I love creating content,
I don't plan on stopping anytime soon,
I don't plan on going anywhere,
and especially where I'm at in my life right now
with like re-coming out at 28,
entering this entirely new world,
I want to continue sharing those experiences with you all.
There's been so much positive change happening in my life
because of my coming out
and I want to acknowledge
that I have queer, Black, trans women to thank for that.
Like hi, Stonewall, you know?
I'm only able to sit here in front of you
as a proud, openly gay woman
because I am jumping off the backs of trans women of color,
because of their work, because of their fight.
And the fact that I have been so blissfully ignorant
for so long
sucks, so I'm gonna quit it, cuttin' it out!
I'm doing better, okay?
I have benefited from this racist system my entire life
and I haven't done enough, I haven't done anything,
and so if any of what I'm saying sounds like you,
sounds like your experience,
please try not to just get defensive
and want to explain why you're not a racist
or why you're not a part of the problem,
like we just are!
We are a part of the problem. (laughs)
We are White, we live in a racist system,
we are part of the problem.
So let's stand up, let's do something,
let's listen, let's have some compassion.
Let put our own egos aside for a second
and let's actually sustain the change that's been happening
because this is just the beginning.
I saw this quote online, so these are not my words,
that said, "If you've ever wondered what you would have done
"during the Holocaust, during slavery,
"during the civil rights movement,
"you're doing it right now."
Whatever you're doing right now during this movement,
that's what you would've done during the Holocaust.
And so I hope you're doing things that fill you with pride,
I hope that you can move past your discomfort,
move through your discomfort, and speak up anyway.
And try, just try, this is me trying.
I probably said incorrect things,
I probably said things incorrectly during this video,
I probably missed something that I should have said,
but trying and making a mistake
is better than just sitting back passively,
better than silence.
And if your response to all of this has been silence,
I would take a look in the mirror. (chuckles)
I would reconsider.
I have always tried to use this channel
to have important conversations,
mostly conversations around the LGBTQ community
and around mental health.
I need to do better with my intersectionality
and I am committed to doing better.
I'm going to resume my content soon.
I have a couple of videos with my parents coming up
that I'm really excited to share with you all.
I need to tell you all what's been going on,
where I'm at.
I want to revisit some of my old content,
my old, White, White content, (laughs)
and like unpack some of the you know, the bi days,
(chuckles) and I'm looking forward to it,
but I know that the past few videos I've made
have not been business as usual,
but they can't be because 2020 is not business as usual.
My life right now is not business as usual,
the world right now is not business as usual,
as it shouldn't be
because business as usual is (bleep) racist.
This channel has always been somewhere
I've wanted people to be able to come
and feel seen and feel validated
and to smile or laugh.
I just want you to know that I'm gonna do both.
I'm gonna do better, I'm gonna pay more attention,
and I'm also going to try to make this space,
again, somewhere that you can come and feel good.
Okay, I think that's it.
There are links in the description
to creators, resources, charities.
(beep)
Hi, guys, me from like four hours in the future here.
(chuckles) Don't mind this, like I said, I'm moving.
I'm going around the internet right now
and collecting the links to the different creators
that I want to include in the description of this video,
and I'm realizing that I'm not subscribed to half of them.
I've been on panels with these creators,
I've spent time with these creators in real life,
how am I not subscribed to their channels?
Like there's no excuse for that!
There's no reason for that other than racism!
Like I don't, I'm so...
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for not doing better.
(sighs) I just wanted to call that out
because in the video I say these are creators that I adore,
and then meanwhile,
I'm not even subscribed to their channels.
Like I do adore them, I do, and yet.
So, really though, check out the creators
that I've linked in the description
because they're all wonderful.
(beep) I love you all very much.
Happy 2020 still! (laughs)
How is this year, this year has been a decade long
and it's only halfway over.
(kisses)
Okay, I'll see you guys soon, bye.
(kissing noises)