[Music]
he's gonna take you back to the man
[Music]
atari sega nerd he's the angry video
game nerd
and once again let's go back to 1983
you walk into a video arcade what do you
see games that look like this or this or
this yeah
sure got everybody's attention and
really stuck out amongst all the other
games this was dragon's lair The
Adventures of Dirk the daring who asked
to rescue a princess from a dragon it
was more like an interactive movie than
a video game basically you just watched
the cartoon play and when a certain
obstacle would appear then he pressed
the right button at the right time to
see whether you die or he continued
playing now the first time playing there
was no way to know what was going to
happen so the only way players would
learn was to keep putting quarters in
the machine
and once you spent like a truckload of
quarters and you knew how to go through
the whole game then you could pretty
much beat it every time after that and
just show off to everybody so while
there wasn't much to the gameplay it was
groundbreaking in the fact that it was
one of the first games to use a laser
disc making the use of motion video and
feature animation by Don Bluth who prior
to Dragon's Lair was known for his work
with Disney on features such as Robin
Hood the rescuers and Pete's dragon many
games of its kind would follow some of
which were adapted on the home CD
console such as Time gal and Rhoda
venture which I mentioned in my Sega CD
review now many adaptations of Dragon's
Lair would appear on several game
consoles but the one that I'm gonna play
is the NES version now how could you put
this into this yeah so obviously an NES
game is technically incapable of
handling this sort of motion video thing
so what do you know
it's a side scroller and after all
that's what games on an 8-bit Nintendo
system were best at
so how could you go wrong well judging
from all the requests I got to review
this game I'm gonna pop it in and find
out all right my first impression is
that the graphics are quite good for the
NES and the character animation is well
detailed but the controls are delayed
beyond belief did I just die by walking
into the [ __ ] door yeah everything
kills you literally everything even if
you stop to jump you end up falling
through the bridge
okay I'm gonna try to kill this bat and
there I go daddy here I go
dead again if you hit down you go into a
crawling mode of course it's extremely
delayed making it awkward to switch
between standing and crawling oh I'm
really [ __ ] now
jump jump well we already know you can't
go through the door so I'm gonna assume
you gotta kill the dragon but what the
[ __ ]
why can't I duck I just want to duck
down and throw my daggers at the dragon
but no it doesn't let you duck have you
ever played a game where the basic
controls differ depending on which side
of the screen you're standing on so I'm
gonna try to make my way to the left
just so I can attack the dragon wow that
was close okay come on duck [ __ ] all
right here we go duck down kill a dragon
son of a ass I'm getting real [ __ ]
mad now why is the gate stay open the
whole time but once you're within range
it comes down what a tease
how the hell does the [ __ ] thing kill
you anyway I don't care if it's a door
or a medieval gay or whatever the hell
it is it's certainly not an electrical
fence or something so why is it like
deadly to the touch the rules in this
game make no sense what were they
thinking another problem is that the
dragon doesn't come up high enough to be
able to hit with your dagger
unless you're squatting but when you're
squatting the dragon stays below the
bridge
it literally reacts to your every move
so what do you do do you stand do you
duck either way you're [ __ ] the
decisions to make in this game are
similar to if say you're standing at a
pool full of piss all the way up to your
neck then somebody comes in with a
bucket full of [ __ ] to dump on your head
do you duck down under the piss or do
you just stay up and take on the [ __ ]
this game is like a cruel joke that you
play on your friends it's like hey you
want to play a game here you go you
[ __ ] and you know it really doesn't
look that hard but once you actually
play it it's unbelievable you jump like
you're on the goddamn moon it takes ages
to turn around and the control is so
stiff you'll wonder if your [ __ ]
controllers broken however I've heard
that the PAL version is much smoother I
might have saved myself a few hundred
emails by mentioning that
now unlike most NES games were being
attacked and a jumps this one's the
opposite which takes some time to get
used to
what's with this backwards ass bullsh am
but you know what's really sad this is
the first screen of the game I haven't
even gotten past the first screen yet I
don't even want to know what the rest of
the game is like maybe you're just
supposed to walk left nope actually if
that was the case I think I'd have to
break something now you know what else
is [ __ ]
everything kills you with only one hit
the dragon the fireball the moat the
door but the bat just takes away a tiny
bit of life from your life bar yeah
that's right you have a life bar I
didn't even notice but what's the point
because everything that hits you it
kills you instantly I can guarantee that
the only way you're gonna die from this
bat is if you stand absolutely still and
just wait I've clocked in it takes one
minute and 13 seconds for this bat to
drain your energy that's 11 hits well
why 10 when it can take 11 so in order
to pass this part of the game you got to
kill a dragon and it seems that there's
only one possible spot where you can hit
it that's from the far left where you
start but the dragon won't come out
until you're halfway across the bridge
so you got to make your way to the
dragon then jump your way back and then
you can just barely hit the dragon
even from this distance you just wish
you can duck and hit open but as we
already know that doesn't work because
the [ __ ] bastard won't stay up so you
just have to be real patient keep
throwing the daggers when he spits the
fireballs you got a duck well in advance
and just keep repeating of course you
die with only one hit but the dragon
takes forever this game is notorious
among gamers as being one of the most
frustrating games of existence at some
time or another it seems everyone takes
a shot at it and after this review I'm
sure many more people will suffer over
which is unfortunate but to quote Full
Metal Jacket it's just one big [ __ ] Sam
and we all got to take a bite so finally
the dragon's dead the door goes up and
now you got one last obstacle just don't
fall oh god don't fall not after that
alright finally we get to see something
different now your first obstacle here
are these rocks that come flying at you
[ __ ] now once you remember the pattern
you can get by but then this snake comes
up out of nowhere damn you know this
whole game is all about trial and error
the only way to get through it is to
memorize everything that happens and
once again I'd like to stress what's the
point of having an energy bar when
everything kills you with one hit one
[ __ ] hit
now this is the worst just got to watch
the pattern up down up down up
[ __ ] game over
oh no no please no
[Music]
and [ __ ] that [ __ ] man you think I'm
gonna put myself through that again but
good damn it [ __ ] hey [ __ ] this game
man Jesus Christ I'd rather [ __ ] 69 a
grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up
my ass
I'd rather [ __ ] stand in the middle
of a ring of monkeys as they Pelt me a
death with their own a low waist man
[ __ ] this game [ __ ] to hell [ __ ] you
to oblivion [ __ ] to damnation mankind