President Trump's border wall.
It was his number one campaign promise,
but now Trump can't find anyone willing to pay for it.
Mexico refused to pay for it.
Congress refused to pay for it.
He tried to put it on Jared's credit card,
but couldn't figure out how the chip works.
Was like, "Sir, you're pulling it out too soon."
He was like, "Well, I don't know if this machine is on the pill.
"I'm not getting trapped again!
I don't want another Eric."
-(audience groans) -And so on Friday...
on Friday, the president had no other choice
but to take emergency action.
NEWSMAN: In the Rose Garden, the president did
what he had long threatened to do,
declaring a national emergency to get billions of dollars
Congress wouldn't give him to build his border wall.
Now the battle moves to the courts,
with challenges coming from border states,
landowners and others, and they're already pointing
to this stunning admission.
I didn't need to do this,
but I'd rather do it much faster.
Wait, hold up.
So Trump admitted he didn't need to declare an emergency?
He was just doing it to save time?
That sort of negates his entire argument.
It would be like a pilot
coming out of the cockpit with a parachute,
saying, "Look, I don't have to open the emergency door,
"but we're right over my house,
"and I don't want to fight traffic.
Thank you for flying Spirit Airlines...!"
(applause, whooping)
But look... you can argue about it,
but Trump clearly thinks that Mexicans coming over the border
is a national emergency.
And so in response, America has to build a wall.
Which is a very gradual response to an emergency.
It's like, "Sir, they're invading.
Should we mobilize our tanks and call an airstrike?"
(like Trump): "No, no, no. Bring your finest bricklayers.
In three to five years, they'll regret invading us."
So look, Trump knows that this isn't the end
of the border wall fight, right?
Because it's a national emergency,
this declaration will be challenged in the courts.
And we know he knows this,
because he wrote a song about it.
We will have a national emergency.
(singsongy): And we will then be sued, and they will sue us
in the Ninth Circuit, even though it shouldn't be there,
and we will possibly get a bad ruling,
and then we'll get another bad ruling,
and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court,
and hopefully we'll get a fair shake,
and we'll win in the Supreme Court, just like the ban.
They sued us in the Ninth Circuit,
and we lost, and then we lost in the Appellate Division.
And then we went to the Supreme Court, and we won...
(singsongy): Okay, that was super weird.
Why is he talking like that?
It sounds like he's being auto-tuned,
but it's very addictive-- I don't think I can stop now.
Somebody help me.
(normal voice): But... but as crazy as his delivery was,
I think we should at least be thankful
that he used it to talk about the wall
and not, like, a natural disaster.
Imagine if he whipped that out for the first time
after, like, a giant earthquake. He'd be like:
(singsongy): There was this big earthquake.
Lots of people were trapped.
We're gonna do our best. But expect the worst.
I'm not saying move on,
but even if your husband has survived,
his face is probably smushed and all gross...
(normal voice): But surprisingly, surprisingly,
Cardi D's jam over here probably wasn't wrong.
Right? His prediction of the court battle makes sense.
It really does, it makes sense, which made me think--
what if the whole time
the key to making Trump a smarter president
is to just teach him in song form.
Maybe that's why he doesn't retain information.
His advisors should do this the next time
they have to explain anything to Trump.
They should be like, "Sir, we've been monitoring
sectarian violence in Yemen, and if you look..."
(like Trump): "Sex-tarian? What did you say?
I don't understand!"
(sighs): "Well, sir...
(singsongy): "Sir, you have the Sunnis,
"and you have the Shiites.
This conflict goes back thousands of years."
(like Trump): ♪ Now I get it! ♪
(laughter)
-(applause, whooping) -Honestly...
Honestly...
it doesn't... it didn't even sound like Trump was singing.
It sounded like he was trying to play his own speech
on Guitar Hero.
(singsongy): And we will possibly get a bad ruling,
and then we'll get another bad ruling,
and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court,
and hopefully we'll get a fair shake,
and we'll win in the Supreme Court,
just like the ban.
They sued us in the Ninth Circuit,
and we lost, and then we lost in the Appellate Division,
and then we went to the Supreme Court,
-and we won... -(video game sound effects)
You rock!
Now... as you'd expect,
prominent Democrats are calling Trump's emergency declaration
an unconstitutional power grab.
Because only Congress should decide how to appropriate money.
And while Trump now thinks
that executive action is the way to go,
back in the day, he had a very different opinion.
I'll make great deals, and we'll get them done,
and we don't have to use executive orders
and all the stuff that Obama's using.
We're not gonna be opening our borders or closing our borders
based on executive orders.
TRUMP: You get 'em in a room and you make a deal,
-Mm-hmm. -but, uh, certainly he has not been able to do that,
and now he has to use executive action,
and this is a very, very dangerous thing.
The whole concept of executive order,
it's not the way the country's supposed to be run.
(singsongy): You're supposed to go through Congress
and make a deal and go and talk to people
and get the guys in there and...
and, you know, whether you're Republican or Democrat,
you're supposed to all get together...
(singsongy): So there you have it, once again,
President Trump is full of shit.
He criticized Obama
for the thing he's doing now,
but you'll thank Trump when the national emergency is over
in three to five years, provided the drug dealers
don't figure out how to build tunnels.
Oh, no, I'm stuck again. Let's go to an ad break
so I can get my brain checked out.