- We go out big,
and I am a lightweight.
On top of having anger issues,
I cannot hold my liquor.
So I have two drinks, and then we start, uh,
doing gravity bong hits.
- That's when it gets good.
That's when it gets good.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today all the stories are about karma.
[cheers and applause]
Please give it up for Mr. Al Madrigal, everybody!
Let him hear it!
[cheers and applause]
- A man that Hitler missed.
Please help me welcome Ari Shaffir!
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, let me ask you a question.
Wait, when the guy was chasing you,
how did you get away?
How did you climb a fence?
- I hopped a fence.
If you ever have to hop a fence,
you hop that fucking fence.
Uh, it was a low-- it was, like, that high,
and I just scaled it immediately.
- Did you feel like a real Mexican when you were--
- [laughing]
[laughter]
That's fucked up.
Are you gonna take that, fellas?
That's fucked up.
I'm enlisting all the other Mexicans here...
to kill the man in the denim suit.
[laughter]
Lookit.
He looks like an evil ranch owner.
- Yeah.
It's like a-- it's like this.
What time is it?
Mm...
It's time to leave the Chavez Ravine,
'cause we built the fucking Dodgers over here.
- That's totally pulling an old woman
out of her house
so you can fucking bring the Dodgers in.
- Jackie Robinson!
Fucking beat it.
- Yeah.
- Uh, here's the deal about Al Madrigal.
We've known each other for a long time.
- Long time.
- He's not someone to fuck with.
- I look like someone to fuck with.
- He sure does! Look at him!
- A lot of people fuck with me.
- What are you, like, 5'10", 5'9"?
- Yeah, I'm not 5'10". - Yeah.
- With the hunch, about 5'8".
Uh, with--
- He's got anger issues, you guys.
- I do.
- He's got serious anger issues.
And, uh, we all went one time to La Joya,
me, him, and Steve Rannazzisi.
- That's what happens.
So if you're a Comedy Store comic,
you get this gig in San Diego, and it's fun,
so you want to go with your buddies,
so I go down with Ari and Rannazzisi,
and we all stay at this condo together.
But then I know people there,
and, uh, we, uh, go out.
We go out big,
and I am a lightweight.
On top of having anger issues,
I cannot hold my liquor.
So I have two drinks,
and then we start, uh, doing gravity bong hits.
- That's when it gets good.
That's when it gets good.
We went to this backyard. It's in La Joya.
Like, rich kids, like, rented a house.
They have all these fire pits, and we're just fucking smoking
out of shit we didn't understand.
They were like, "Put your hand here,
put your other hand there, and then breathe in."
- "What's happening? Oh, man!
Okay." - Yeah.
- "I'm gonna go lay down."
And I'm lying there all fucked up.
- You should have seen how blasted he was.
- Just wasted,
as drunk and fucked up as I can possibly get.
- So, like, "Al, Al."
- And then what happened next?
- What happened next was-- what did happen next?
How did I do this exactly?
- I don't know, but I don't like it.
- Okay, I had a fun thing
where I would go to my friends and I'd learn stage slaps,
and so, like, if you just slap somebody,
just don't get this knuckle in, just above there,
you can--you know, I'll show you on a girl so you guys don't--
wait, I missed it.
Well, all right, anyway, it's been a while.
- Trying to slap an audience member.
- [laughing] - No one else does that.
- You gotta treat your audience like respect, you know.
Slap them around once in a while.
Anyway, I thought it'd be funny if I did that to Madrigal.
- Not funny. - Yeah.
I was like, "Hey, Al. Hey, Al."
And then I just fucking-- - Just--
- Pow!
- Open-hand smacked the shit out of me.
- It wasn't really a stage slap at all.
I mean, I tell you above there...
- It was a real slap.
- I got him here and above.
It got the two parts that hurt the most.
And I--boom!
I was a little drunk too,
but I knew what I was doing.
[laughter]
- So then we went back to the condo, and--
- He just took it, dude.
He was like, "Ugh."
- That's how fucked up I was,
but I'll never forget.
So we went back to the condo...
[laughter]
And I set an alarm for 4:30 in the morning.
[laughter]
And I woke up, and I got two pitchers
full--filled them with ice and got ice water.
And I walked over, and I stood above Ari.
And I just poured it all over him and his sleeping bag
and ruined the entire bed.
- Couldn't even go back to sleep after that.
Like, I woke up like, "What the fuck!"
- But I remember I--
then I leaned over him.
He's like: [babbling]
- That's a pretty good Ari.
- I leaned over him. [babbling]
I leaned over him, and I said,
"Never touch me again."
[laughter and applause]
Crazy person.
- I haven't. I haven't. - No.
- I haven't. - You shouldn't.
No one should.
- Al Madrigal, everybody. - Yay!
[cheers and applause]