-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, after spending four days in the hospital,
last night, President Trump arrived
back at the White House
and it was quite a scene. Take a look.
-Walking out the doors of Walter Reed,
boarding Marine One for his flight back to the White House,
where he marched up the steps.
-And then, the president, who is still contagious,
did something remarkable.
He took off his mask.
And the president,
who is supposed to be in isolation,
then walked inside to a room full of people.
[ Laughter ] -Pssh!
-There's a lot to unpack here.
First, why would he use the White House entrance
with the most stairs?
[ Laughter ] I mean,
I've never seen him climb those steps in four years.
I mean, why would he do that now?
The Obamas were in perfect shape
and they never climbed those steps.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, I'm not sure it was safe for him
to climb 22 steps before COVID.
[ Laughter ]
It felt like that famous scene where Rocky climbs up the steps,
but everyone behind him is running
in the opposite direction.
[ Laughter ] ♪ Bene womp! ♪
♪ Buna -- fleneh wah ♪
I'm trying to do the reverse -- -The reverse of an A chord?
[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]
♪ Wanah wonk ♪
-No, no. -No?
-1.8 million, no, no, no.
[ Laughter ]
-Good for him. He made it to the top,
where he was greeted by some staffers
showing off their best, "Oh, my God.
We're so glad you're back" face.
[ Laughter ]
Then, the big reveal atop the balcony,
he took off his mask
and you could almost hear him being like...
[ As Trump ] Ta-da!
And, now, for my next trick,
I will make everyone in the White House disappear.
[ Laughter ]
Trump pulled off that mask like he was revealing
that he'd been his twin brother the whole time.
[ Changes accent ] You fools, it was me, Ronald!
[ Laughter ]
The entire time.
That's the craziest thing he's ever done on that balcony,
and that's the same place where he looked
straight into an eclipse.
[ Laughter ]
If you're worried Trump didn't use that mask again, don't be.
He then used it to turn every doorknob.
[ As Trump ] Safety first.
[ Laughter ]
Safety first. Now, you close it.
Now, you close it.
[ Laughter ] -Ew!
-When he got back to the White House,
Trump tweeted a video where he once again
downplayed the virus. Listen to this.
-I just left Walter Reed Medical Center
and it's really something very special.
And I learned so much about coronavirus
and one thing that's for certain --
don't let it dominate you.
Don't be afraid of it.
You're going to beat it.
And I know there's a risk, there's a danger,
but that's okay.
And, now, I'm better and maybe I'm immune.
I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] I don't know. Maybe I'm Spider-Man.
[ Laughter ] Maybe I have Spidey powers
and I can climb up the White House.
[ Laughter ]
It feels like that part of the movie
where Trump was bitten by a werewolf
and plays it off like it's no big deal. He's like --
[ As Trump ] Totally fine. Never better.
Sure, I howl at the Moon and I have a taste for humans,
but, mostly, a-okay.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's still sick and he thinks he's immune. He's like --
[ As Trump ] I just tested negative.
I just peed on a nasal swab
five minutes ago, so. [ Laughter ]
Could we look into that?
Also, I'm pretty sure Trump has become our first
vlogger-in-chief. [ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] What's up, fam?
It's your boy DJ T.
[ Laughter ] Just got out of the hospital.
Feeling hundo p.
Be sure to like and subscribe and check out my merch.
[ Laughter ]
Well, after all that, Trump is back in the White House,
but it's a very different White House
than the one he left just a few days ago. Watch this.
Yeah, Trump staffers want to work somewhere safer,
so they all booked tickets for a Carnival cruise.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the White House is practically empty.
Things are so bad, today Trump had to write
a tell-all book about himself.
[ Laughter ]
It is not a great scene over there.
Tonight Trump was outside Melania's door,
whispering through the keyhole...
[ As Trump ] ♪ Do you want to build a snowman? ♪
[ Laughter ]
But the White House is taking some precautions.
For example, the press briefing room was thoroughly sanitized.
Take a look at this.
There you go, yep.
Later, that same guy was seen
spraying Diet Coke directly into Trump's mouth.
[ Laughter ]
As if all this wasn't crazy enough,
it now appears that the top members of the military
have also been exposed to the virus.
-All but one member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
are now under quarantine,
this after a top Coast Guard official
tested positive for coronavirus after visiting...
the White House. -This is nuts.
Our top military leaders are working from home!
Right now, there's a four-star general
getting really into sourdough bread.
[ Laughter ]
It's comforting to know that, if someone were to attack,
our officials will be quickly trying to figure out
a Zoom link.
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears here.
I saw that Apple is now involved
in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this.
-Apple is suing a former
recycling partner in Canada
for allegedly not doing its job.
Apple claims the recycling company
actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads,
and Apple Watches that it was supposed to destroy.
-Apple was like, "Hey! Reselling the same phone
over and over is our thing."
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, the recycling company
sold some of the old phones and then kept the rest
in a random kitchen drawer, like everyone else.
[ Laughter ]
"This'll be worth something someday."
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this. Yesterday, Governor Phil Murphy
tweeted that "Halloween is ON"
in New Jersey this year.
[ Laughing and scoffing ]
Halloween's very special in New Jersey.
It's the first time parents get to see their kids
go door-to-door making "collections."
[ Laughter ]
[ Italian accent ] This is it?
[ Laughter ]
I'll be back for the rest tomorrow,
and you better have it.
[ Laughter ]
Check this out. I read about a man
who paid for a billboard
advertising a date with him back in January.
And good news --
he now has a girlfriend.
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.
[ Whistling ]
Though it got weird today when there was
a giant billboard that said...
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a new study just came out that says...
...and there's no part of their brain
that can tell the difference
between the front and back of humans' heads.
[ Laughter ] -Hm.
-Yes, yes, yes, these are
the scientific breakthroughs we want right now.
[ Laughter ]