[MUSIC PLAYING]
It's our favorite part of the show.
That's right-- ask our audience,
the beloved bodega hive, for questions, and we give you
answers which might be lies.
So who's going first?
[LAUGHTER]
What advice do you give to people
who just moved to the Bronx?
What advice do I give to people
who just moved to the Bronx?
I thought you said, what device?
I was like-- - Oh, no.
You already know.
A 9 millimeter. - You already know.
Baretta.
Me, personally, I'd go with a PPK
because you could sit inside a Timberland.
[LAUGHTER]
So what advice do I tell people?
Mind your fucking business.
Mind your business, OK?
And get in good with Papi at the bodega.
Because like, say you get locked out.
Like, if you can trust Papi at the bodega,
you can give him a spare set of keys to your house in case
you ever get locked out.
You can give him shit.
Like, he'll hold you down.
So as long as you good with Papi.
If you not good with Papi, that's all about you.
Yo, that's all about you.
Papi's always very friendly.
He's like an ambassador for the hood.
So like if you come in-- if you come in hot and give him,
like, a $50, like, yo, I'm new here, you know what I'm saying?
Like just, Papi, hold me down, you know what I'm saying?
Like throw a $50--
Yeah, know what I'm saying?
Like Papi, I new here, and I coming me
from somewhere different, so can you helping me out?
And Papi, Papi do the good stuff.
Like he'll sell you beer at that weird period
of Saturday and Sunday morning when
he's not allowed to sell beer.
A lot of people don't know about that.
Real scumbags know.
5:00 AM, you go and you see it chained up.
You're like, yo, Papi, what the fuck?
And he go, no, no, Bobby, it's OK.
And he just comes out with some foam cups with some shit in it.
- Yeah! - Because that's Papi.
That's what you want.
That's what you want right there that's
gonna give you this, hah?
That's how you survive.
Your girlfriend gonna be happy with you, Papi.
Also, try the Rhino pills.
Next.
Do either one of you guys now or ever
had an interest in doing any acting that's non-comedic?
Oh.
Yeah.
I'd like-- for police, I've done that shit mad times.
[LAUGHTER]
Mad dramatic, like tear-- like tear-rendering,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, I don't--
I'm just trying to--
[LAUGHTER]
I live right here.
It's so hot upstairs.
The air conditioner-- that's why I'm standing outside, officer.
When I was younger, you remember that show,
"America's Most Wanted"?
I wanted to be one of the actors in the remakes of the crimes.
[LAUGHTER]
In the dramatization?
And then they always show the person.
And when they show the actual suspect,
that person looks nothing like them.
Nothing.
Like, he's light-skinned!
No!
You got Jesse Katsopolis to play fucking Larry David?
Yeah, also, the people don't know how to act.
So they're just like, give me all the guap in the bank.
Yeah!
Listen, don't make me shoot one of you suckers.
Yeah!
One of you motherfuckers.
And actually, I would love to be a detective
on "Law & Order: SVU."
Because I mean, if Ice-T could do it, I could do it.
[LAUGHTER]
All you gotta do is act surprised and be, like, hmm.
Act surprised, and do like a kind of quirky rhyme with--
Yeah.
"Bodega boys"?
More like you like going to the bodega for little boys.
Turn the fuck around.
This is ridiculous!
It's like, this is ridiculous!
This is ridiculous!
I'm an orthodontist!
The kid--
I would never!
How dare you?
The kid Mero.
More like you like the kids Mero.
Oh, this is ridiculous!
Listen, Dick Wolf, I'll give you a whole series of that.
[LAUGHTER]
"Law & Order: Bodega Boys Unit."
- Doink-doink. - Oh, my god.
What happened, what happened?
Someone stole my du rag!
[LAUGHTER]
They're like, in the bodega, crimes are committed.
Stealing a two-tone du rag is especially heinous.
Yeah!
All right, if Bloomberg and de Blasio got into a ring,
who would you bet on, and why?
Ooh.
Bloomberg or de Blasio?
Like fighting?
Yeah, who would you bet on? Not who would win.
- Oh, who would I bet on? - Bloomberg.
As a gambling man, I would bet on--
Bloomberg, because he's rich, so he probably fights dirty.
[LAUGHTER]
Like Bloomberg's gonna bite.
He's gonna kick him in the nuts.
Yeah, I don't think about those-- sand in his face.
That part. That part, yeah.
If it's, like, fully sanctioned, like all the rules are being
followed, my money's on de Blasio, just because
of the height differential.
But if he's talking like WWF, I'm definitely
rocking with Bloomberg.
Because somebody's gonna run into the ring and shit.
It's like, my god, that's Dante's music.
And comes out like, blah!
And hits him in the head with a steel chair.
But de Blasio is weakened after years of eating Sbarro's.
True.
So he's gonna lose, so--
He's a anemic and shit.
Maybe gonna need some iron pills.
What if Bloomberg's nice with the hands?
Yo, imagine?
Imaging Bloomberg was like, what's up, nigga?
He's like, fuck a debate, let's scrap.
- Yeah. - Let's shoot a family.
- Shoot a family. - Oh--
Shoot a family, pussy.
Yeah, I'll show you Mini Mike!
Next question.
So my question is, if you owned your own bodega,
what would your food items be?
Like specials?
Ooh.
If I owned my own bodega, what would the food items be?
[SIGHS] The blunt wraps would not be dry.
That's for sure.
I would have, like, a special person just to make
sure that they're fresh.
Like squeeze the packet backwards.
Make sure it's, like, good.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean just the general bodega stuff--
ham and cheese sandwiches.
Yeah.
- That kind of stuff. - You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, and like I try to make it fat.
You know, every time you go to a bodega,
and sometimes, they step it up just a little bit?
A little bit, you know what I'm saying?
Make you feel like, yo!
So like, I guess the cat would be,
like, manicured or some shit.
We'll have a collar.
Yeah.
Put a collar on the cat-- boom!
Yeah.
Fancy bodega.
Like that, or like gruyere cheese.
Is that a thing, gruyere?
Gruyere.
A little gruyere on the top cheese,
you know what I'm saying? - Yeah, uh.
You know what I mean?
Start selling baby bottles with the Swedish Fish?
Yeah. [LAUGHTER]
Hey, yo, Papi, that's gotta be refrigerated.
No, no, it's OK.
Have plastic on top.
You know what's funny?
By the bodega yesterday, this girl bought
a maxi pad like a loosie.
[LAUGHTER]
You mean a woman?
I was like, god damn, I'm really in the Bronx.
She was like--
She just came into the head nod
and was like, yo, Papi, let me get one.
[LAUGHTER]
Yo, Papi, you know what time of the month it is.
Ah.
Yo, it's my last day, but it's a little heavy.
You know what I'm saying?
What's up?
Let's talk, nigga.
I was bleeding-- you know that shit?
Go, don't drop off--
Yo, nigga, these menstruals are killing me.
Yo, word, I got the wild bramps.
[LAUGHTER]
Next question.
Hey, first time, long time.
Hey, thanks for calling.
Hey!
OK, so now that New York has its first
confirmed case of corona, do you have any advice--
I've got two cases of Corona.
--for the bodega hive so that we can stay virus-free?
Just don't cough.
[LAUGHTER]
For, like, six months.
Or just hold your nose.
When you walking around and shit,
just hold your nose, because apparently,
the masks don't work.
But The Home Depot Masts, you know
what I'm saying, with the little metal shit, them shits work.
I'm going with it.
I don't think that-- no.
Listen, we said the answers gonna be wrong.
That's-- no.
The best way to avoid coronavirus is--
Stay at home.
Nah, stay in the house.
You're in New York. Just gotta just live your life.
You'll be fine.
[LAUGHTER]
Think about it.
We didn't die from SARS.
We didn't die from bird flu.
We didn't die from any of this.
We survived, like, the subway shutting down.
We survived the blackout.
We survived 9/11.
Thing this coughing is gonna kill us?
Like, c'mon, bro.
If you go into--
like, if you just hop down onto the tracks of any subway
station, that little water that's there,
if you just go like that--
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, you become immune to every disease.
That--
That's like a vaccine for everything.
It's not so much you become immune to every disease.
It's more like your immune system, it no longer exists.
Yeah.
So I wouldn't recommend that.
[LAUGHS]
But you'll be fine.
If you get sick, go to the Chinese food store
and get the egg drop soup.
[LAUGHTER]
And put the hot sauce.
Be like give me the hot sauce. - Yeah, get the hot sauce.
Get the hot sauce.
If you're really sick, get the hot and sour soup.
Yeah!
Yeah, that cure everything, right?
Buy it.
Cancer, AIDS--
Little bit of this, you know what I'm saying?
You're good.
Some Vick's, you know what I mean?
A little fucking duck sauce on that, you good.
Also, think about it.
If you die of coronavirus, niggas
ain't giving you a memorial by the side of the road.
No, you're not getting no candles in front of the bodega.
Ain't nobody outside a bodega like, yo, rest in peace,
the homie died from corona.
Yeah!
It would be a crime they would put a six-pack of Coronas
in front of the bodega for you. - No.
Or one candle, like, you, this dumb nigga.
No.
He got coughed on on the train, stupid.
Yo, I remember his last words.
[COUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
That nigga did it.
Ah, fucking bozo.
[LAUGHS]
Wait, why are we roasting someone for getting corona?
I tell you, the Bronx is different, bro.
Any other questions?
Death threats?
[LAUGHTER] All right.
Yeah.
You guys have a good time today?
Yeah!
[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Yeah!