In 2002, someone launched a bombing campaign across the United States,
planting pipe bombs in the shape of a multistate smiley face and leaving
several victims in their wake. It sounds like something the Joker might do in a Batman movie,
if the writers at DC ever remember to put anything even remotely interesting
in their films - but who was the smiley face bomber? And why were they doing this?
The first bombs were planted in mailboxes. They were pipe bombs which are relatively easy for the
average person to construct, here's a quick how-to guide. [Segment removed following legal advice].
Now that we know how pipebombs are made, it's important to note that these bombs
were a little more complex, as they were rigged to detonate once the mailboxes were
opened - catching unsuspecting homeowners and mail carriers alike in the blast.
The first bomb detonated in Dubuque, Iowa on May 3rd 2002 - injuring a mailman opening the mailbox.
The same day, four more bombs were detonated in Iowa. In Farley, the bomb was detected and
detonated by law enforcement. In Anamosa, a bomb injured another person, and in Tipton,
another. Law enforcement managed to safely detonate another in Eldridge.
But there were more bombs detonated before the day was even over, these ones in Illinois.
Each bomb in Morrison, Mt Carroll and Elizabeth injured people opening their mailboxes. By the
end of the day, eight bombs had exploded and six people had been injured. Injuries ranged
from mangled hands to shrapnel lodgements to hearing loss, some were permanently disfigured.
It didn't appear the victims had been specifically targeted,
rather the bombs were placed indiscriminately and the bomber didn't care who got hurt. Some
of the bombs were accompanied by letters that were critical of the government. They opined
that people's freedoms were becoming more and more restricted, that society was degenerating
and that the planet was dying. They were similar in sentiment to the Unabomber's manifesto,
but it couldn't have been him as he'd been incarcerated for years at this point. Officials
advised people to leave their mailboxes open, but the bomber's approach was about to change.
The next day on May 4th, six more bombs were detonated in Nebraska. This time bombs were
found in bags, rigged to detonate when the bag was opened. Bombs in Seward, Ohiowa, Davenport,
Dannebrog, Scotia and Columbus were all detonated by law enforcement. The following day another was
discovered and safely detonated in Albion. The same thing happened the day after that,
on May 6th, this time in Hastings. Before the day was out, two more bombs were detonated
in a similar manner, although they were oddly nowhere near the original clusters.
One was found in Salida, Colorado, and another in Amarillo, Texas. Strangely, the pipebomb in
Texas did not have the 9 volt battery needed to detonate it, and the accompanying letter
stated the bomber did not wish to kill. By now the media was referring to them as
the Midwest Pipe Bomber, due to the majority of the 18 bombs being found in the Midwest. If you're
a fellow non-American and wondering why this region is called the Midwest and not the Midnorth,
it's just because Americans are terrible with directions. They also drive on the
right hand side of the road because it's the "right" side, rather than the "wrong" side.
The FBI finally had a tip as to the identity of the Midwest Pipe Bomber. A student at the
University of Wisconsin-Stout alerted authorities when he found black powder
and pieces of pipe in the apartment he shared with his roommate, 21-year-old Luke Helder.
Investigators furthered noted that Helder had not been seen on campus for a week.
On May 7th, police caught up with Helder, who was driving a black Honda Accord. When Helder
noticed he was being followed, a chase ensued, leading to Nevada. Helder had a shotgun in the
car with him. FBI negotiators got on the phone with Helder, who was threatening to shoot himself,
but the negotiators talked him out of it. Helder threw the gun out the window and
surrendered peacefully. Six pipe bombs were found in his car. He told arresting officers
that he was trying to make a smiley face with the bombs. He had covered
3,200 miles (5,100 km) before being caught partway through the mouth's completion.
As to why Luke Helder was doing this, investigators found little more than
a disgruntled attitude towards the state of the world. His room was covered in posters of
grunge band Nirvana and its late frontman Kurt Cobain. Apparently he'd been arrested wearing
a Kurt Cobain t-shirt. Helder actually had his own three-piece grunge band, called "Apathy",
a laughably uninspired name for a grunge band - even Homer Simpson had a more creative name for
his grunge band and that was literal parody. Apathy was also what the general public felt
towards the album the band had recorded and released themselves. Some stores had
to literally give it away. That was until Luke Helder's identity as the Midwestern Pipe Bomber
was revealed; then people scrambled to pick it up. Hand-in-hand with his love of grunge was Helder's
apparent nihilism. Those who knew him said he had become obsessed with death and would recite
extended monologues detailing his beliefs that there was existence beyond death - yeah you're a
few thousand years late to the party with that idea, mate. Think Jesus was saying something
similar round about the time the Roman Empire occupied Judea, only Jesus didn't go around trying
to kill people, you know why? ... Well, because he had his Dad to do it for him, but it's not right!
Luke Helder was charged with using an explosive to maliciously destroy property affecting interstate
commerce, and with using a destructive device to commit a crime of violence. He appeared to
be in a jovial and unserious mood in court. In 2004, a federal judge found Helder incompetent
to stand trial, and he was incarcerated in the Federal Medical Center in Rochester, Minnesota,
where he was later diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Helder, now 42, has remained there ever
since - although he could still face trial if he is ever found competent to stand it.
And that ends the story. Well, except for the fact that the Midwest isn't called that
because Americans are bad with directions, it comes from the times when the United States'
territory was entirely situated in the East, and every other part of the country was "the West".
Parts of what are now known as the Midwest were called the Northwest, because that's as far as
US territory went. Then the US expanded further - so what do you call the old West when there's all
this new West even Westerner than it? Well, they started calling it the "middle West",
or Midwest. So it's a historical hangover rather than a geographical blunder.
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