NAMED VERONICA WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.
I WAS IN LOVE WITH VERONICA.
SHE WOULD BABYSIT US ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.
AND IN MY HEAD, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,
I THOUGHT THAT VERONICA WAS LIKE 25, 30 YEARS OLD.
I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOM THE OTHER WEEK.
I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS 10, VERONICA WAS 13.
SO WHY WAS SHE IN CHARGE?
ALL SHE COULD DO WAS DIAL THE TELEPHONE A LITTLE BETTER
THAN I COULD.
13 WHEN I'M 10?
THAT'S JUST LIKE HIRING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER CHILD.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK
AND YOU PAID A HORSE TO WATCH YOUR DOG.
LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HERE IS THE NUMBER WHERE WE'LL BE,
"AND HERE'S WHERE WE KEEP THE DOG FOOD.
"AND YOU'RE A HORSE.
"SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH."
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? PEOPLE ALWAYS SHUSH ANIMALS.
THEY GO, "HEY, SHH, SHH, SHH."
THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN I WAS A KID.
I'M SO EXCITED THAT I GET TO LIVE IN NEW YORK.
I SAW NEW YORK CITY IN A MOVIE WHEN I WAS A KID.
IT WAS CALLED
IT IS A SEQUEL. YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?
IT WAS A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE
I REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE-- OH, THE KID IN
HE GETS INTO A STRETCH LIMOUSINE ON 5TH AVENUE
WITH A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA, AND I THOUGHT,
"THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!"
NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK AND I'M PSYCHED,
BUT THAT IS A STUPID MOVIE TITLE.
LOST IN NEW YORK? THE STREETS ARE NUMBERED.
HOW'D YOU GET LOST IN NEW YORK?
I KNOW IT'S KIND OF STUPID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A MOVIE
THAT CAME OUT 17 YEARS AGO.
BUT I WASN'T A COMEDIAN BACK THEN.
SO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW. I WISH I'D BEEN.
I WISH I'D BEEN A DEF JAM COMIC WHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.
I WOULD HAVE TORN IT TO PIECES.
BE LIKE, "YOU SEEN THIS SHIT?
"YOU SEEN THIS
"IT'S A GRID SYSTEM, MOTHERFUCKER.
"WHERE YOU AT? 24TH AND 5TH?
"WHERE YOU WANNA GO? 35TH AND 6TH?
11 UP AND 1 OVER, YOU SIMPLE BITCH!"
THAT'D BE MY BIG JOKE. THAT'D BE THE CLOSER.