welcome back everybody to part 4 of the betrayed spouse I am your host dr. dawn elise Snipes there
are a lot of effects of betrayal and we've talked about the emotional effects the cognitive effects
the physical effects now we're going to talk about the environmental effects of betrayal
yes the environment is also affected when we are betrayed your safe space your home the places you
used to go with your partner become a minefield of reminders and triggers that remind you of
that betrayal of that emotional assault that you experienced if you're still cohabitating you're
trying to work through it the person is still living with you then every time you see that
person you may be reminded of the betrayal it's going to be important to eliminate as
many negative reminders as possible so if every time they wear a particular jacket it reminds
you of when you found out that they were betray betraying you you may need to have them get rid
of that jacket if you know there's something they wear or a particular cologne they use or something
that every time you smell it it reminds you of the betrayal you may need to look at trying to
change those things but you also want to add positive reminders put up pictures around the
house of positive experiences that you've had maybe pictures with of your family pictures of
vacations that you went on pictures of things that you hope to do together maybe you want to
go hike Mount Kilimanjaro okay well put a picture of that up there to remind you of the hopes and
dreams that you're still working toward all of the reasons that it's worth putting the effort
into trying to work through this relationship if you're separated if you decided that this
is not going to work or the other person said I don't even want to try then it's important to
add positive unrelated reminders and triggers in your environment so you're not constantly being
reminded of that person now this also includes the media it can be excruciating to watch certain
shows on TV when you are in a bad relationship or have been betrayed or have just gotten out of
a relationship it's important to be cognizant of what you're forcing yourself to watch on TV and
watch things that make you happy watch things that make you laugh add positive unrelated triggers in
your environment maybe if you can get a dog I'm all about dogs because they will require a lot
of energy and take your focus to them quite a bit dogs aren't for everybody so if you're not gonna
take care of it obviously you don't want to get a dog it's not a temporary thing but find things
that you can put in your environment put pictures of you and your best friend up put pictures of
accomplishments that you've gotten put pictures of things that you want to do in the upcoming weeks
and months around your house or on your mobile device so you can remember okay you know this
right now really sucks but in three weeks I have this vacation to Cancun coming up and I am just
gonna have the time of my life making sure that you have things to focus on smells sounds friends
anniversaries holidays and separation may also be triggers going back to those smells I mentioned
those earlier particular colognes or perfumes may be a trigger for you and recognizing that
and addressing those you can change smells sounds like text message alerts if this person was if
your partner was text messaging with somebody and every time they messaged you heard that Facebook
sound or that kick sound or whatsapp or whatever app they were using then hearing that particular
text message alert may make your stomach just tie up and knots it's going to be important for you to
encourage that person to change the alert sound and you do the same on your phone but recognize
when you're out in public other people may still have that sound on their phone and if you hear it
it may for just a second make you tense up that pain in your stomach grief is a long-term process
and you're going to have hopefully better days as you get further away from finding out about
the betrayal you're going to have better days but you're also going to have some little grief
bursts where you're reminded of the betrayal and it hurts just like it happened that day hopefully
those periods those grief bursts will happen fewer and farther between and instead of lasting for a
whole day will only last for a few minutes after a while but it's important to be compassionate with
yourself friends may also remind you maybe your partner was saying that they were going out with
their friends and turns out they were going out with whoever they betrayed you with and so now
when you see those friends it's a reminder that they were covering for your partner or maybe they
even encouraged your partner to betray you and that might make you feel very angry seeing those
people may remind you also just seeing friends that you had that were your mutual friends when
you see them in the store it may remind you of that betrayal and you may not sometimes you may
not know exactly how to respond it's important to rehearse ahead of time how you're going to
respond when people say oh well how's your partner and if you're not together again or if you're not
together anymore how you're going to respond anniversaries can also be huge triggers and
anniversaries are kind of interesting it can be the anniversary of the date you found out
it can be anniversary your marital anniversary it can be the holidays there are a lot of different
points on the calendar that can trigger feelings of sadness resentment guilt grief yada yada and
it's important to recognize that and again be compassionate with yourself and recognize how
you're feeling and say okay remember I I feel how I feel and it's normal what do I want to do with
this feeling do I want to nurture it do I want to spend a lot of energy thinking all the thoughts I
can to make it grow and you know work with it like like bread dough or do I want to improve
the next moment do I want to do something to stop feeling this way and figure out what I can do to
feel empowered to change the next moment feel empowered to feel better a separation may also
be a trigger when that person goes to work if they go on business trips it's going to be important to
talk about how the two of you can work together if you're trying to work it out what needs to
happen so you the betrayed spouse can feel safer and calmer and less anxious so your partner may
say I have to go to work how can I help you feel less anxious when I'm gone this may be
an important conversation to have in your next relationship as well remembering it's not fair
to hold your next relationship hostage for what your spouse did however you may still have be
triggered by similar situations so it's going to be important to be aware and figure out how
you're going to deal with that and maybe have an open conversation with that next person about you
know when my spouse used to travel they used to you know cheat on me like crazy and so when you
travel I feel anxious you know I I want to trust you but there's still a part of me that is hurt
from what my spouse did and talk about what needs to happen so you can feel safer part of that is
going to be on you part of that is going to be you regularly stopping those hecklers that are saying
you know he's cheating on you and silencing those hecklers and dressing the current situation and
handling your own thoughts and developing trust in that person the your partner either the one
who betrayed you if you're working it out or the new partner may say I need time with my friends
how can I do that without adding to your stress if it is possible you know maybe you want to go out
as a group so you know your partner's friends and their significant others and you all go out and
do something together or your partner's friends come to the house I know my daddy used to have
poker games at the house all the time not that he cheated on my son my stepmother or anything
but that was fine and it was a place that they could come and they could hang out she went and
did her thing she read her book in her room or whatever because she didn't like to play poker
but they came over to the house I would imagine if you're in a relationship where you've been
betrayed that having people at your house would feel safer because you have more control over
that situation another aspect that comes up after betrayal another time when people may be separated
include when you're at the gym or working out and somebody may say running is really important to
me and I'm not going to give that up but you can track my run there are all kinds of apps
you can get on your phone and teenagers typically call them nanny apps or police apps but they will
track the GPS location of that phone and that may be too intrusive in some relationships other
relationships may be open to it in order to help both partners get what they need it's going to
be a negotiation and a discussion regardless of whether it's a relationship with the person who
betrayed you or a new relationship another thing that may happen in the environment on for in Italy
is that the betrayed spouse may wonder every time they go somewhere did my spouse come here with the
person that they were cheating on me with did they come here what did they do and if they find out
you know they went to this particular restaurant it may feel too uncomfortable to go there if they
find out that maybe they had a restaurant you know this couple had a restaurant that they always went
to for anniversaries and their spouse took the other person there oh my gosh that could feel so
painful because that was their special place so now that's another safe space
that has been violated by this interloper it's important in
progressing past the betrayal to make the environment safe again regardless of
whether you're trying to work through the relationship or you're starting over it's
important to make the environment and the relationships feel safe remind you
of how you're safe remind you of how you're strong and remind you of the positive things