♪ (I'm always here by Jimi Jameson) ♪ ♪ I'll be ready (I'll be ready) ♪
♪ Never you fear ♪
♪ No, don't you fear ♪
♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ Forever and always ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
It has been a life time since we've had a plot centered around (read in a German accent) Mitch Von Malibu!
So why not rectify that with a really cliche stock plot?
Ha ha, Got you! Every plot on Baywatch is a stock plot.
Immediately, we're in a montage.
Immediately.
Ah the 80s. Back then the beach used to be so dark and poorly shot.
Back in the early seasons, that was like spotting bigfoot.
Allison (as Mitch): Craig, I'm so happy to have you as my best friend, and I love burgers so much!
Allison (as Craig): (Awkward laughter)
(♪ You're My Best Friend by Queen ♪) ♪ You're my best friend ♪
♪ Oooo you make me live ♪
Meanwhile, Eddie is on duty with this lifeguard we've previously not been introduced to. But he's totally always been there guys.
Other lifeguard: Nice!
Eddie : The car or the girl?
Other lifeguard: Both Allison (as the other lifeguard): The car!
Allison (as the other lifeguard): I mean both, I said both.
But that guy actually was talking about the car, which he tips off to his friends so he can steal it.
(♪ You're My Best Friend by Queen ♪) Allison (as Craig): Gee Mitch, I can't wait to train for that boat race together!
Allison (as Mitch): Me too, best friend!
Allison (as Mitch): See you there Moustache, Chest hair.
You may recognize Chest hair from his amazing role as the original Mr. Fantastic.
Meanwhile, Eddie and his totally best friend this guy, are talking about their first times.
Eddie: 14. How about you?
Other Lifeguard: The first time? Eddie: Yeah.
Other Lifeguard: 10.
Eddie: No way.
But they aren't actually talking about underage sex, they're talking about driving! ha ha ha!
Guess you got a wait to listen in on someone else's pedophilia story Shauni.
Shauni: How silly of me to think that for the first time in weeks you might be talking about something more interesting than cars.
So you were hoping they were talking about kid sex?
Voice from offscreen: How's it going out there? We're starving!
Mitch (in a fancy British accent): Don't worry, my assistant is basting away.
Best scene in season 1, I have decided.
What the hell was that voice? Does he think cooks are all upper-class englishmen.
Chest hair: Hey Mitch you ever heard of girls? They can turn even the most ordinary party into something special y'know.
Mitch: Chill out, they'll be here. The party hasn't even started yet.
Ah, I can never get enough of Mitch desperately trying to hold on to his youth.
Allison (as Mitch): I totally stole my parents beer for this! Wooo!
We can also add another stupid nickname on to Hobie 's list:
Any-who, It turns out mustache invited their old friend Alison to their reunion party.
(Mockingly) That's my name! Hahaha! I must be her!
Chest Hair: I never thought you were gonna marry Gayle, I thought you were gonna marry Alison.
Allison (as Mitch): Yeah, but then stupid Hobie happened, and I had to marry her.
Allison (As Mitch) You hear that Hobie!? You ruined my life!
It turns out Mitch stole Alison away from Craig Twelve years ago.
Something that led to a huge falling-out...
which I guess still means something despite both of them being friends and having gotten married since.
Of which, one marriage is still going.
Allison (as Craig): I love you, Gina. You were my second choice.
And wait, twelve years ago? If hobie is 12, then...
did Mitch knock Gayle up, steal his best friend's girlfriend, and then marry her later?
What is the sequence of events here?
Gina is out of town with her folks for this episode which makes things convenient since otherwise -
Craig might look like kind of a jackass for fighting over a girl while his wife is still around.
Allison (as Mitch): I don't remember your name despite you being the most important person in my life who we just now mentioned! Hahaha!
Allison (as Mitch in a serious tone): Hobie, get the burgers.
Alison: Craig!
Craig: Alison!
Allison (as Craig): I remembered her name, Mitch.
Allison (as Mitch): Hobie, get the burgers now!
And for some reason the music guy decided the dialogue in the party scene was not important.
(Indistinguishable noise)
I'm just gonna assume Mitch was talking about a food of some sort.
(♪ You're My Best Friend by Queen but slowed down♪)
♪ Oooo you make me live ♪
♪ Whenever this world is cruel to me ♪
Speaking of best friends:
Allison (as Eddie): This car's for me? I don't even know how to drive!
Allison (as Other Lifeguard): That's right, and it's not stolen.
Allison (as Eddie): What?
Allison (as Other Lifeguard): Get in!
(Sound of a car engine starting followed by and explosion)
Ah! Fireplace going in the middle of the day! Mitch, you sly dog.
(♪ Careless Whisper by George Michael ♪)
Oh I'm sorry, did you want a stupid Eddie and Shauni car-washing montage instead? Well here you go!
Allison (as Eddie): (weak grunting noises) Boobs (more grunting noises)
Eddie: (Yells in slow motion)
He tells Trevor about his new car finding out that not only is he Australian but incompetent, but he also knows cars.
But mostly his takeaway is that he's Australian.
Eddie: Thought all you guys knew were koalas and Kangaroos.
Allison (as Trevor): Oi, I'm Australian! Also your car is stolen mate.
Allison (as Eddie): (High pitched gasp)
Craig: Morning'!
Allison (as Mitch): Hang on Craig I'm gonna make out in front of you some more.
Craig is upset because Mitch totally ditched him to hang out with his 12 years ago girlfriend,
thus he had no one to share heartwarming stories with.
Allison (as Craig): Don't cheat on tests!
Allison (as Mitch): I'm younger and cooler than you!
Allison (as Craig): Drink your milk!
Allison (as Mitch): Your hair looks stupid!
Allison (as Craig): Respect your parents!
Allison (as Running Lifeguard) Hey, hey, hey, does someone need oiling up here?
Trish: Did it ever occur to you that mitch might have done your favor with Alison?
Craig: Like the one Brutus did Caesar?
Et tu Mitch!
And 3rd montage this episode. Short running time, confirmed.
Upon realising two fully grown men are fighting over her
Alison takes off to presumably start a series where she reviews episodes of Baywatch.
Moustache: I'm sorry about Alison
Moustache: I don't know what I was thinking, inviting her here was a mistake.
Allison (as Mitch): Damn right moustache!
After Eddie confronts his friend about the stolen car he offers him his money back, the car and a job in exchange for keeping his mouth shut.
Not only is the stealing thing illegal, but I'm pretty sure they'd be breaking child labor laws by hiring Eddie.
Allison (as Eddie): Well, I am stupid!
Thus begins Eddie's foray into the seedy underworld of lifeguard crime.
(♪ Mission Impossible theme ♪)
But it turns out, in a shockingly competent move, Eddie was working with the cops the whole time.
(Cartoony spring sound effect)
Allison (as Eddie): Every damn week!
This is nothing that the power of friendship can't solve. Take to the sea!
(♪ You're My Best Friend by Queen ♪) ♪ Oooo you make me live ♪
♪ Whenever this world is cruel to me ♪
♪ I got you to help me forgive ♪
Allison (as Craig): Beating up that guy really put things into perspective, Huh Mitch?
Allison (as Mitch): Whatever old man!
But wait! will they win the boat race and get in another montage before the episode is over?
Allison (as MItch): Sunblock is for the weak!
After stopping for like two days to argue again, Mitch and Craig resolve their differences-
Just in time to book it to the finish. As per main character rules, they are the winners.
Allison (as Mitch): My save bitches!
Next time on Baywatch, Eddie and Shauni are trapped underwater.
Meanwhile Jill and Trevor form the Dream Team to try and win a volleyball match.
Hot diggity!
♪ Baywatch end credit music plays ♪