-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for tuning in.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, today the White House launched
a new phone line that Americans can call
to order their free COVID tests.
Yeah, which means 100 million Americans
spent the day screaming,
"Representative!
[ Laughter and applause ] Representative!
Human!"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the phone line is open
from 8:00 am to midnight.
Somehow, the QVC phone lines are open 24 hours a day,
but the COVID hotline isn't.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Meanwhile, we're a couple weeks from the Winter Olympics
and, due to COVID concerns,
China is limiting the torch relay
to just three days. [ Laughter ]
And this is smart -- to maintain social distancing,
the runners will just throw the torch to each other.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yep, thanks to COVID, the Olympics
are going to look a little different.
I saw that NBC decided not to send
its announcers to Beijing
and, instead, they'll call the games from Connecticut.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah!
That's right, Connecticut, instead of the Olympics.
[ Cheering and applause ]
But, on the bright side, there'll be the same amount
of people wearing Ralph Lauren in both places.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh.
-Announcers are upset because there's nothing like
being there in person
to experience these electrifying moments.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
[ Laughter and cheering ]
Well, this made me laugh -- last night,
Trump called in to "Hannity" and, at one point,
Hannity used a phrase with the word wall in it,
which immediately sent Trump into his own world.
Listen to this.
-So, you know,
you keep banging your head against the wall,
why would you expect a different result?
-So, we would've had the wall completed in three weeks.
[ Laughter and applause ] It was largely completed.
-No.
[ Laughter and applause ]
No, no, not. -Come on.
-Trump's like a golden retriever.
A few key words make him go wild.
Like, "Wall, wall? [ Panting ]
Who said wall? Who said wall?"
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news --
the upcoming "Batman" movie staring Robert Pattinson
will be one of the longest superhero movies ever,
with a run time of almost three hours.
[ Audience ohs ] Americans were like,
"I'm not going to sit through a three-hour movie."
And then settled in for 14 hours of football.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
That's right, three hours, and there are plans
to extend the film into a fourth hour,
hosted by Hoda & Jenna.
[ Laughter and applause ] That's great.
That's a good idea. [ Cheering ]
In hindsight, they probably didn't need
20 minutes of Alfred ironing the Batsuit.
[ Laughter ]
[ English accent ] Your cape's almost ready,
Mr. Wayne."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Speaking of movies.
-Come on.
[ Laughter ]
-Speaking of movies, the state of New York --
Did you see this? They just announced
that movie theaters can now sell alcohol.
-Ooh.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-No, no, no, no.
No, no, I don't think that's a good idea at all.
[ Laughter ] No. You know the annoying guy
who yells stuff at the screen?
Imagine him after eight beers, you know?
[ Laughter ] Seriously, by the end of "Batman,"
it's going to be like "Royal Rumble."
[ Laughter ] It's like --
Well, it's been a tough week for Netflix.
After admitting that all the streaming competition
has slowed growth, their stock plummeted
and they had their worst day in years.
Yeah. At the board meeting, someone was like,
"I don't know, maybe 94 shows about cakes is too much?"
[ Laughter ]
But don't worry. Netflix isn't going anywhere.
Mostly because "Disney+ and chill"
doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, an underwear brand called Parade
has a new recycling program
that turns their customers' old underwear
into furniture and bedding.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
Even Greta Thunberg was like, "Hell no!"
[ Laughter and applause ]