>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT, MY ONLY GUEST TONIGHT IS
THE LOVELY AND TALENTED HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO AND
AN OLD FRIEND.
PLEASE WELCOME, JOHN OLIVER!
JOHN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
ANY MUSIC?
PLEASE?
( HUMMING ) WH>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR THEME
MUSIC?
I'LL PLAY YOUR THEME MUSIC FOR YOU
( SINGING THEME MUSIC ) >> Stephen: WOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
THE CROWD IS LOVING YOU.
>> AREN'T THEY?
ONE IMAGINES.
>> Stephen: WELCOME.
WELCOME TO INTERVIEWS IN THE AFTER-TIMES.
>> IT'S GREAT TO BE WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S LIKE STARING INTO MY OWN ANXIETIES NOW.
IT'S SUCH A COMFORT TO SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE YOUR EYES ARE ALSO
SCREAMING THE ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL!
I'M FINE, JOHN.
>> SURELY!
>> Stephen: I'M WEARING A SUIT!
WHICH ONE OF US IS WEARING A SUIT?
WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE IN CONTROL, JOHN?
IT AIN'T YOU, BUDDY.
>> IS CBS GOING TO GIVE YOU CUSS WORDS DURING A PANDEMIC, OR EVEN
DURING A PANDEMIC CAN YOU NOT SWEAR?
>> Stephen: I'LL TRY A SIMPLE ONE.
READY?
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: ( BLEEP ).
NO IDEA IF I GOT AWAY WITH THAT.
LET'S TRY A SIMPLE ONE.
THIS IS ONE I WISH I COULD USE I'M NEVER ALLOWED TO.
( BLEEP ).
>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE ( BLEEP )?
>> Stephen: NO, CAN'T USE ( BLEEP ).
>> CBS, COME ON.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
I KNOW.
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> I'M AT ABOUT A FOUR.
>> Stephen: ON A SCALE OF -- YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT IN SOME
SORT OF RANGE FOR ME.
>> ZERO TO 50.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YEAH, I'M DOING OKAY, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THIS IS A SUBOPTIMAL TIME TO BE A HUMAN BEING.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO BE A DOG.
>> Stephen: SURE.
OR A DOLPHIN.
>> DOLPHINS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.
IT'S PAYBACK TIME, FLIPPER.
>> SOONER OR LATER, MOTHER NATURE WILL SAY, OH, I FORGOT
ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEOS FROM JAPAN?
IT HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN A CAKEWALK THE ENTIRE TIME.
WE'RE NOT BROADCASTING IN JAPAN, ARE WE?
THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
SO YOU DID IS A SHOW LAST NIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANKS, WE DID ONE.
>> Stephen: FROM THIS LOCATION.
>> YEAH, FROM RIGHT HERE.
I'M INSIDE DAVID GEFFIN'S YACHT.
>> Stephen: LOVELY.
THERE'S A MAN WITH HIS FINGER ON THE PULSE OF AMERICA.
>> Stephen: DIDN'T QUITE READ THE ROOM, DAVE.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, DAVID GEFFIN, WHOM I'M HOUR IS A
LOVELY MAN, I DON'T KNOW, HE SENT A SHOT OF 300, 400,
700-FOOT BOAT?
>> IF YOU CAN'T SEE, IT'S WORTH PUTTING ON SCREEN NOW.
IT'S A LARGE BOAT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE IT.
JIM?
>> YEAH, IF YOU PUT IT UP THERE, IT'S DAVID GEFFIN AT SUNSET
POINTING OUT HE'S SELF-ISOLATING, MIGHT BE
GENUINELY REVENUESNARY INDUCING.
IF THE RACE TO A CLASS WAR HAS BEGUN, I THINK HE JUST FIRED THE
STARTER'S PIE PISTOL.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T REVOLT UNLESS YOU FIND HIM.
THAT'S WHY HE'S OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO COME AT ME ON JET SKIS.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'VE GOT A DOG, YES?
>> I'VE GOT A DOG, YEAH.
>> Stephen: A DOG, AND YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
>> YEAH, I GOT A DOG, TWO CHILDREN, AND A WIFE.
>> Stephen: AND HOW ARE THEY REACTING TO YOU DOING YOUR SHOW
AT HOME?
IS EVERYBODY HELPING?
>> IT'S PROBABLY BEST THEY DON'T.
I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD AND A 1-YEAR-OLD.
THERE'S NOT MUCH THEY CAN DO TO HELP.
>> Stephen: THE 4-YEAR-OLD CAN DO YOUR MAKEUP.
THOUGH FROM WHAT I SEE, HE PROBABLY DID.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
>> IT'S BEST THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EQUIPMENT BECAUSE THEY'RE
TEETHING.
I DO THE SHOW IN THIS ROOM AND I TURN UP THE OCTINNALS, A SHOW
ABOUT ASTRONAUTS BUT UNDER THE WATER AND THEY FIND OUT ABOUT
ANIMALS EACH WEEKS AND IF YOU PLAY IT LOUD YOU CAN'T HEAR YOUR
DAD SAY WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) FRO THE ADJACENT ROOM.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU PERSONAL HYGIENE GOING?
ARE YOU WEARING PANTS THESE DAYS?
>> WHAT'S THE BAR FOR PANTS NOW?
>> Stephen: BIG BOY PANTS, LONG PANELS.
>> I'M WEARING SWEAT PANTS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD.
AND THEY'RE STAINED WITH BABY DROOL AND PEANUT BUTTER, SO
COULD BE WORSE.
>> Stephen: PERFECT.
I'M WEARING A SUIT, BUT I'M NOT WEARING SHOES.
>> OH, REALLY?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
O IT'S JUST THE PLATES ARE OUT.
>> Stephen: THE PLATES?
THE PLATES, THE FEET.
SLANG.
>> Stephen: I NEVER HEARD OF THAT.
I NEVER HEARD THAT FROM A TROUBLE AND STRIFE.
>> NOT BAD!
STAIRS.
>> Stephen: JOHN, JUST OCCURS TO ME, HAVE WE DISCOVERED ANY
OLD SKILLS THAT YOU HAVE?
THIS WEEK, I ACTUALLY CHANGED A TIRE ON A BIKE, LIKE I CHANGED
THE INNER TUBE.
>> DID YOU?
>> Stephen: YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A FLAT TIRE, AN
INNER TUBE AND I REMEMBER AS A CHILD I USED TO DO THAT STUFF
ALL THE TIME.
HAVE YOU REDISCOVERED SKILLS?
>> AGAIN, I'VE HAD A 4-YEAR-OLD AND 1-YEAR-OLD AND I'M TRYING TO
MAKE A TV SHOW FROM SCRATCH.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LEARN SPANISH OR CREATE.
THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
I'M DROWNING, STEVE.
THE WATER IS HERE.
RIGHT, IF I COULD BREATHE THROUGH THERE, I'M OKAY, RIGHT.
THINGS ARE NOT GOING GREATLY.
I'M NOT BECOMING BETTER AS A HUMAN BEING.
I LEARNED, UNFORTUNATELY, HOW TO MAKE A TV SHOW ON MY OWN HERE
WITH MY STAFF OVER ZOOM.
SO I'M BASICALLY COMMITTING UNION INFRACTIONS OUT THE WAZOO.
>> Stephen: AND H.B.O.
THOUSAND KNOWS YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED A SET.
>> YESTERDAY THEY WERE TALKING ME THROUGH FILMING THROUGH CHAT
ON ZOOM, LIKE TRYING TO TALK CIVILIAN TRYING TO LAND A PLANE.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF BUTTONS.
DON'T PANIC.
THERE'S A SMALL RED ONE YOU NEED TO PRESS.
WHAT DID YOU JUST PRESS?
OH, MY GOD!
OUR SCREEN IS GOING CRAZY!
THEY WERE VERY PATIENT BUT WE GOT THROUGH IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO PERFORM TO SILENCE LAST
NIGHT?
>> HONESTLY FINE.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T MISS THED AUDIENCE AT ALL?
>> IT'S VERY NICE TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE, BUT I STARTED COMEDY
DOING STANDUP IN ENGLAND.
I AM SO COMPLETELY USED TO DELIVERING JOKES TO ABSOLUTE
SILENCE AND SOMETIMES WORSE.
SO THIS IS FINE FOR ME.
IT GENUINELY DOESN'T AFFECT ME AT ALL.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WHAT IS WORSE THAN SILENCE?
>> AN ENGLISH STANDUP AUDIENCE.
THAT'S LITERALLY THE ANSWER TO THAT.
>> Stephen: JUST OPEN HOSTILITY?
HAVE YOU EVER FELT PHYSICALLY IN DANGER?
>> YES!
OF COURSE!
I DID STANDUP!
OF COURSE, I DID!
I DIDN'T COME UP IN YOUR IMPROV WORLD WHERE EVEN THE AUDIENCE
PLAYS IN THE GAME, TOO.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT.
IN IMPROV, IF YOU FAIL, THEY GO, IF IT'S GOOD, 25% OF THE TIME,
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD BATTING AVERAGE.
>> NO, NO, A STANDUP AUDIENCE IS MUCH MORE SIT BACK, JUDGMENTAL.
I DON'T LIKE THIS, BUT I WANT YOU TO KEEP DOING IT BECAUSE I
WANT TO SHOW YOU THE FULL EXTENT IT NEVER IMPROVED.
OF COURSE, I HAD BEEN THREATENED ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HASTILY.
>> AS A MASOCHIST, THERE WAS A GIG IN EDINBURGH WHICH STARTS AT
1:00 IN THE MORNING, IT IS A CESSPOOL OF HUMANITY.
YOU CAN DO TRULY GLORIOUS DEATHS THERE.
I BOMBED HARD ONCE THERE ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
THE GUY CAME ON AFTER ME DESTROYED.
AS THEY WERE CHEERING FOR ME, I ASKED IF I COULD TAKE HIS UNCLE.
AND THE SOUND OF THE EMCEE SAYING, DO YOU WANT MORE OF
THAT, ERE HE COMES!
OH, YEAH!
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I FELT LIKE THE JOKE HAD BEEN PLAYED.
I WENT ON TO DO ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES AND BOMBED AGAIN!
>> Stephen: I HAVE ONE THING LIKE THAT.
I WAS AT THE OLYMPICS IN 2010, WITH WE BROUGHT OUR SHOW UP
THERE, AND EVERY COUNTRY HAS THEIR OWN HOUSE, LIKE IRELAND
HOUSE, INTIRTSLAND HOUSE.
WE WENT TO IRELAND HOUSE SPONSORED BY GUINNESS AND IT WAS
BEER IN A BARN ESSENTIALLY AND THERE WAS A STAGE, TRADITIONAL
BAND PLAYING, A FOOTBALL GAME WAS ON, AND I GOT UP ON STAGE
AND SAID, WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE IRISH CULTURE?!
AND THEY ALL WENT, AAAHHH!
AND I TOOK OUT A COPY OF JAMES JOYCE ULYSSES.
STATELY PLUMP BULK MULLIGAN STOOD AT THE HEAD OF THE
STAIRS -- AND THERE WAS A RIOT.
I HAD TO BE HUSTLED OUT BY SECURITY.
>> THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I WAS ABOUT FOUR MINUTES IN AND A GUY IN THE FRONT SMASHED HIS
BEER BOTTLE ON THE TABLE, HELD IT UP AND SAID, IF YOU DON'T GET
OFF STAGE WRIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.
I WAS SMILING EAR TO EAR SAYING, THIS CAN'T BE ABOUT ME.
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE I AM ALL THAT'S LONG IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT
NOW.
I'M A MERE LIGHTNING ROD.
>> Stephen: WE, SADLY SO, HAVE COMMERCIALS.
>> IT'S A TRAGEDY.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> Stephen: SO WE'VE GOT TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
WOULD YOU PLEASE STICK AROUND.
>> THE C.D.C. SAYS I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD!
THEN YOU JUST STAY THERE BY FORCE OF LAW.
YOU WILL BE BACK AND WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE JOHN OLIVER.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
BUT YOU WILL STICK AROUND.
YOU HAVE TO STAY AT HOME, TOO!
>> STAY WHERE THE ( BLEEP ) YO ARE!
>> Stephen: JOHN, WE CAN'T SAY THAT.
WE CAN'T SAY THAT.