Her arsehole wasn't a problem!
I could have knocked one out and got you in the face.
Here's a new one.
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
I don't know.
Finding your ex-wife in Safeways car park
getting gang banged by some Dutch lorry drivers.
Yeah.
Finding a maggot in your apple's nothing,
trust me.
-Shit. -What?
I can't believe it.
My ex-wife and Mickey the gypsy.
Is he violent?
Absolutely psycho.
Mind you, I've seen her bottle a traffic warden.
You do the mathematics.
Heya.
-You alright? -Alright?
-Alright, Mickey? -Yeah.
Still together, then?
I know.
She was shagging ?? for a while.
He caught us at it, didn't you?
Awkward.
It wasn't awkward.
It gave me the excuse to
smash the granny out of the cunt.
Blood bath, wasn't it?
Proper mess.
It turned out quite well then, really.
My problem is I just want to try to please everyone.
She's a slag, mate.
He knows.
You well, though? You well, though?
Can't complain.
Anyway…
Always nice to see you.
We'll just…
see you later.
Be lucky, Bye.
We'll…
ease past Elizabeth's hip.
-Do the one wheel trick. -Yeah, that's it.
That's how pathetic your best mate is, James.
-You are not pathetic, sir. -Proper loser.
Not compared to me, though.
-You're joking, aren't you? -No.
You can sing, dance,
play two recorders with your nose.
You can knit. You're great with wool.
You're great with wool!
If you're a loser,
what chance have the rest of us got?
Cheers, mate.
Do you want to go up the tip?
See if there's any action?
You bet!
-Alright, Brian? -Yeah, mustn't grumble.
You here to see James?
Yeah. Where is the little bugger?
He's in the bath, but come in.
-What? -Hello, boy.
-Mum! -What, love?
-I'm having a bath. -Good boy.
Bloody steamy in here, isn't it?
Yeah. I told him he has it too hot.
You know, for his testicles.
-Makes you sterile. -Oh. Do you mind?
Yeah, they do look red, mate.
I've got to get my own place.
Move in with me, if you want.
Really?
Do you have a spare room?
Yeah. If you can get in there, you're welcome.
What do you mean "if I can get in it"?
Well, it's full of shit.
Has one of you pumped?
-No, that's the house. -Oh.
Brian smells the same.
If you sniff him, he smells the same.
Oh yeah.
That's your smell, isn't it?
-Yes. -Yeah.
It's sort of like poo and wee and sweat.
And fear and shame.
Mainly shit.
Whatever works for you, mate.
Cheers.
This is even worse.
What is?
You sat there doing a fucking word search!
Used to be porn, mate.
Stacked that high.
Those days are gone.
Five years ago, I could have knocked one out
and got you right in the face.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get away from the smell of two gypsies
fucking my wife.
Eight in the morning, that was. Back of Safeways.
Disgusting.
Why do you always say stuff like that to me?
They're not even proper jokes.
Oh, a comedy critic now, are we?
Also, it's racist.
Shut up. Why?
"The smell of two gypsies fucking my wife".
The smell was coming from her!
Use your noggin!
She had a terrible feminine hygiene problem.
Do you want me to spell it out?
I had to bloody live with it!
The two lads good as gold. Clean as you'd like.
Danny Witchers and Sid Nash, lovely pair of boys.
She was the one that stank.
I'd say to her:
"You've got a proper odour going on down there
in that big old cabbage of yours."
She didn't bloody care.
She'd say:
"Oh, if God had wanted my snatch to smell nice,
he wouldn't have put it next to my arsehole!"
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking: "Oh, that's a good point, Brian."
No it isn't.
Her arsehole wasn't a problem!
Go figure.
I have lived a life, boy.
-Yeah? -Yes.
Yeah, rollercoaster.
She was one hell of a woman… sexually.
I made a porno of her.
Right on this very carpet.
She said she wanted a threesome
with me and Rowley Carter.
Turns out she just wanted me to hold the camcorder.
Not a problem.
She was absolutely fucking loving it.
I could see it in her eyes!
And then Rowley looks at me.
Out of the blue.
Straight down the lens.
And shakes his head.
As if to say:
"This is absolutely fucking awful".
I didn't know whether he meant
the production or the rough carpet.
Turns out he meant the smell of her growler.
-Can you do me a favour? -Depends.
My postman is proper depressed at the moment.
He's feeling very low about his life
and I thought if he spoke to someone
with a genuinely awful existence,
it might make him feel better about
his own situation.
Not a problem.
Hey, boy.
-Oh, alright? -You alright?
How's it going?
-Fine, yeah. -Yeah?
Nice day, isn't it?
I heard you're feeling a bit down.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Talk to me.
Well, it's everyone knows what Roxy does for a living.
-I'm just in Paris. -In Paris?
I'm probably delivering to blokes
that have actually shagged her.
At the very least.
What do you mean?
Well, I doubt it's just a shag
if they're paying for it.
If you get my drift.
Think about it, boy.
Imagine all the things she has to do.
Missionary, missionary, missionary.
Boring.
Turn around, let me see that arse.
[inaudible] Scramble around.
Get your mouth around my naughty lolly.
Watch those gnashers!
Keep it gums.
That was lovely. There you go. Take the money.
Now go back to your postman boyfriend.
Listen.
At least she gets paid for it.
My wife used to give it away.
Sometimes behind my back.
Sometimes she'd make me film it.
How does that make me feel?
I'm filming it. I'm looking… How does that make me feel?
Worthless.
Like a slug
feeding on bird shit
in the rain.
Only to be trodden on
and left to die in agony.
What I'm trying to say is
don't be a worthless slug like me.
Be a man.
You don't need the adoration of strangers.
You've got people who like you for who you really are.
Yeah.
Mum says you can't expect other people to love you
unless you love yourself.
Wise woman, your mum.
She is.
If it wasn't for Lenny,
I'd hit her little arse like a ginger stepchild.
-Cheers, mate. -Yeah.
-Love you loads. -And you.
Fucking Santa's little cunt!
Leave him alone, mate.
Oh.
Kiddy fiddler on the roof's piped up, hasn't he?
Fucking hell. You're telling us to leave kids alone?
You should have left the kids alone!
You little fucking nuisance!
-You pig! -You nuisance.
Fuck it. Stick your arse in his face. Go on.
No, don't stick your arse in my face.
Human centipede!
Listen, I'll get around there and bum him.
Turn him into a fucking human bent-ipede.
Oh, he likes that!
Clean that up.
Are you hungry?
I had sweetcorn for lunch.
I always thought I was dead, mate.
Oh, wish you were dead and all, darling.
Fucking hell. Show us your feet, I'm almost there.
That's enough, boys. Leave him alone.
They got buy one get ten free
on the fucking doughnuts, have they, sir?
You bring it on yourself.
Got it.
Time and time again throughout my miserable life
I thought I'd reached my lowest.
But I never have.
Thousands of times I've thought:
"The only way is up".
Nope.
Wrong again, Brian.
They've got a surprise for you.
Surely giving the Assistant Manager of Tambury FC
a blowjob in a car park
is the depth of depravity.
No.
Getting bummed
in front of my ex-wife
and the whole town is.
And then Mickey the gypsy comes in,
who is actually shagging my ex-wife,
and he saves the day.
Tell me a joke.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Don't know.
She had no arms.
That… that was funny.
-Really? -Yeah.
Oh, cheers.
You've got, like,
shit on you.
-Tomato. -Yeah.
Do you want to get a coffee?
Yeah.
-I'll pay. -Good.