Okay, so I'm just gonna get right into the meat of this topic.
I love reading fables.
If you weren't paying attention in 10th grade english.
A fable is a short story usually with talking animals,
That have a moral at the end of them.
A good way to remember is that the word fable starts with an "F"
And, so does... Furrys...
So...
So examples of fable you might have heard.
Are the "The Tortoise And The Hare"
Ummm...
"Humpty Dumpty"
"Pacific Rim"
And the
Autobiography of Hillary Clinton
This ones a fable becuase the main characters a bi-(Word Cuts Off)
Ha Ha
I'm just kidding, Humpty Dumptys not a fable
So theres this guy named 'Aesop'
And he's best known for creating a bunch of fables
He's written over 655
And seriously I don't know why for some reason
We can't find the exact number
'How many fables has he written?'
'Over 655!'
'Oh so...'
'656?'
Like whats the range here?
Unfortunately he has died
So he won't be writing anymore fables
So why can't we get the exact number?
Like what the heck guys!
And he also had a very strong no photo policy
So no pictures of him were ever taken
Because he was born around 500 BC
I don't even think he knew what a camera was soo...
Here we go this is what he supposedly looked like
And what I like the most about fables
Is that the wording is so..
Like
Shakespearean and old-timey
And it makes you feel like your smart for reading these short paragraphed story's
And even better they have a moral and the end of them
So once your done reading your like
'Oh man that was deep'
Like every single fable can end with one character dropping a microphone
(Mic Dropping Sounds)
Like the whole story is just build up to that one 'Moral Moment'
Ok so im going to read some of my favorite fables to you guys
These aren't -
I'm not going to read them as Aesop wrote them though
Because he had so many unnecessary smart sounding words
When really all of his fables can be shorted down to like three sentances
So here we go Aesop's fables in my own words
(Cleares Throat)
So theres these mice that get together
And they're trying to come up with a plan to stop this cat from killing them
And one mouse is like ' Oh we could put a bell around the cat. You know so now we can hear it or something'
And This Other Mouse Is Like ' Yeah, alright yeah thats cool'
'Who's Going To Put The Bell On It?'
(Mic Drops)
(Great Noise)
Ok so this one is kind of actually stupid
I dont really know what the moral is
Like maybe no one wants to be the person to sacrifice themselves for the good of humanity
Or Mice-anity
(Groans)
Ok so heres my version of the rest of that story
So after the mouse said that
The other mouse goes
'Oh jeez other mouse I didnt think of that'
'Well i guess, I say we all get our toothpicks and kill the cat!'
You know atleast that ending made sence
A Bell (Scoffs)
How about you poison it?
Or move somewhere theres not a cat in the first place
So theres this horse and a groom
Which is not the wedding kind
Its the actual groom-er
Which just calls himself groom
So this groom spends all his time brushing the horse and making it look pretty
And also takes some of the horses oats and sells it for extra cash
Ok stop right there
Aren't oats meant to be really cheap?
Isn't that a thing?
Ok so the horse is getting malnourished
And Says
'You know, you should really stop worrying about brushing me'
'And more about feeding me'
(Mouths Explosion)
Man thats DEEP
I.. I Think
The moral is don't steal your horse's oats
Especially if it talks, like you'll never hear the end of it
(Another Mic Drops)
So there's this farmer
And he somehow gets a goose that lays golden eggs
And now you might be thinking
Whats with all these gooses that lay golden eggs!?
Jack And The Beanstalk did it
The Simpleton Brothers did it
Well did you know this is the very first time a goose laying golden eggs has ever appeared in writing
I actually don't know if that's true i made it up
I mean it might be true I don't know, it was 500 BC you guys that's a long time ago
And the goose only lays one (golden) egg a day
And the farmer gets greedy and wants more eggs
So he thinks
'Aw, I bet the eggs are inside the goose!'
So he chops up the goose and guess what...
Theres only more goose.. parts in there not eggs
(Goose Drops Mic)
Ok so the moral, know how basic thing work
Especially if your a farmer and you don't know how geese work
Or atleast be close friends with someone who knows this
'Hey man I dont think thats how geese work'
'I mean, I get how you might think this is a magic goose'
'Because everything about this is physically impossible'
'But we could already live pretty decent lives with just one egg a day
'Like were already in the top 1% now'
How can a goose carry around a golden egg inside of itself
Do you know who heavy gold is?
If there's solid gold, can a goose ever have babies?
It seems like an evolutionary dead end to me
So there once was this bat
And he fell
Somehow.. Aesop never really said how it fell
Its a bat! It can fly!
Ok so the bat gets caught by a weasel
Like one of these things?
Ok so your saying a Bat, gets caught by a Weasel
'Cause He Fell...
Whatever Ok
So the weasel says 'I am an enemy to all birds'
'And Im Going To Eat You'
And The Bat Goes 'I.. I'm not a bird, i'm a mouse'
'Oh what are these things that look like wings'
'Oh these.. uh... thats... my'
'Blanket, because i'm cold'
Ok that part wasn't in the story
So the weasel lets him go
But then is happens again! But with a different weasel
And This Weasel Says
'I am an enemy to mice, and im going to eat you'
And the Bat goes:
'Oh tiny Weasel but i'm not a mouse i'm a bird'
And then he lets him go
Again
Sometimes Aesop wrote the moral that your supposed to take at the end
He did it with this one and the moral forbatum is:
So are you saying to follow the crowd?
Like, go with the flow
Thats not really a good moral Aesop!
Also, why didnt the bat just say:
'IM A BAT LOSERS, AND I CAN FLY.. LATER'
It's also teaching you to make up lies on the spot, that contradict your first lie
Thats how you get caught lying!
Ok, so last fable
So this Crow has a piece of cheese in her beak
And this Fox comes along and is like
'Oh, You're so beautiful.. Oh I just love your feathers'
'I Wish I Could Just Hear You Sing'
This Crow is now very flattered, and she goes to sing.
And then the cheese falls out of her mouth, and the fox eats it.
And then the last line, this is beautiful
The Fox Says
'You have a voice madam, I see'
'What you want is wits'
(Airhorns)
Moral of the story, everybody wants to steal your cheese
Don't let your guard down for a second!
That would be a good t-shirt design, like
It would say
'Everyone Wants To Steal Your Cheese'
And then it would have like a silhouette of a fox and a crow
Someone make that t-shirt
I'll buy it
(Outro Music)