(Bell chime jingle)
- [Narrator] Sabrina's conjuring up breakfast.
How about pancakes?
Noooooooooooo
Hilda and Zelda warned she must never eat them cakes.
She has a genetic pre-witch position
to pancake addiction.
One bite, she'll be hooked for life.
Sabrina ignores her aunt's clear cautions
and chomps that yummy stacker.
She's fine, no problem.
She can put this stuff down any time she wants.
Sabrina corners Harvey,
enjoying a casual, standing hallway cake
to get a taste.
Harvey tells her to scram
but Sabrina,
a full blown Bisquick fiend
hounds him.
- I'm not a fiend.
- [Narrator] Classic fiend talk.
Witch-ney Houston fishes a half eaten pancake
out of the trash to rub it on her gums
then attacks a peer in the chance
he's got what she needs.
Sabrina is licking Harvey's hands for cake juice
and shaking like Rick James at Nino Brown's funeral.
- I'm in the mood for pancakes.
Are you holding?
- [Narrator] We need to raise money for prom.
Come on now, no bad ideas.
- Pancakes.
- [Narrator] Okay, maybe some bad ideas.
Sabrina, do you mean a pancake breakfast fundraiser?
Sabrina's beamed up to Mrs. Butter worth's mother ship.
- Do you have any?
- [Narrator] But because pretty blonde ladies can
go crazy and nobody cares,
the pancake breakfast is on.
Sabrina Downey Jr. Is ransacking the house for product.
Licking ham for the glaze,
dumping maple on apples,
shaking like Charlie Sheen on the 4th of July.
Salem catches her in the kitchen,
whipping up some midnight flap rocks.
She's caught white handed,
terrified the school will discover
her shameful addiction.
Salem offers to help with a syrup potion
that makes pancakes taste like rancid booty.
She says thanks by choking the shit out of him.
Let's hope her twitchy, dusty ass, blasphemous
dope fiend hands can get it done.
Sabrina's got her anti-pancake pancake syrup
but gets distracted by doughy morsels.
Swooped!
Libby tries taunting her with a floor cake
except Sabrina, full of grace, is un-phased.
Let's party,
uh- oh.
Where is the magic sauce?
- Oh, these taste awful.
- [Narrator] It must be her syrup,
except it ain't.
Libby was grossed out by a blueberry.
Libby's a stuck up asshole.
Sabrina goes full pookie, the teenage witch.
Based out her damn skull off that crepe rock,
moving through the room like the Tasmanian devil
of slamming them fluffy thangs.
Sabrina comes home looking ready to
take down Indiana Jones,
thicker than a molasses milkshake.
Bootleg Doogie Howser puts her on a crash diet
and pops her Missy Elliot get up.
Problem solved, except not at all.
She's still a dang junkie.
Zelda locks Sabrina in her room to go cold-turkey
while she rescues Hilda from a B plot.
It'll build character.
- I don't want character,
I want pancakes.
- [Narrator] I hear that, sister.
Sabrina does a fun
"the clock is crawling as I tidy up
to take my mind off pancakes" montage
because people kicking heroin
are known for their meticulous living spaces.
Sabrina has a dope dream from her griddle sweats
and everyone's bopping around
singing about, you guess it,
pancakes.
- (singing) The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle
- [Narrator] A song bad enough to make you want
to trade in those pancakes for a hit of rock cocaine.
Sabrina wakes up from her musical nightmare
to find Salem in a stack of dough boys
and a syrup lady who wants to take her someplace nice.
Sure, why not, let's party.
The sticky stranger whisks Sabrina away
to an international pancake house,
that's basically a crack house for breakfast
where she can fiend out with her fellow cake heads.
Sabrina has a hasty moment of clarity.
She abandoned her friends and family for pancakes.
Syrup lady says hush,
who needs those losers
when you've got pancakes?
Do it, Sabrina.
Eat them cakes, girl.
Eat them cakes,
eat them cakes girl.
Eat them cakes,
eat them cakes, girl.
Eat them cakes, girl, eat them cakes, girl.
(shrieks)
Sabrina breakfast-quiem for a dream is over,
but was it enough?
You want a taste, little lady?
Well, do ya?
Of course she does, they're pancakes.
They're delicious and she will always be jonesing.
She has to take it one day at a time,
like any serious addiction
that involves hallucinating a syrup lady.
But we're not done.
There's a credit scene where Sabrina yells at Salem
in a bar to seek treatment,
because a crippling catnip addiction
is ruining his life.
Hilarious for anyone whose ever had to
have a similar conversation.
So what did we learn today?
Inescapable, self destructive, hereditary
chemical dependence
is very much a laughing matter,
complete with musical numbers
and field trips with new friends.
If you ignore your elders about drugs,
as teens will do,
no problem.
Kick that monkey by cleaning your room and taking a nap,
and witch or mortal,
pancakes are never this addictive,
but you can't smoke crack Friday nights on ABC.
See you next time,
on A Very Special Episode.
(bell chime jingle)