'Tomorrow I'm hunting big game.'
'What animal are you hunting?'
'Sacred Monkey.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘They say there’s a powerful evil spirit’
We’re looking at King of Kong Island…
'The Gorilla's are getting excited.'
of all the films to trade on the legacy of King Kong without a trace of what made the original brilliant,
'The scared monkey! The Sacred Monkey!'
'There in the tree tops!'
Peter Jackson’s remake is the worst, but this is a close second.
#scream#
There’s no giant ape. Just some ordinary sized ones…
'Don't touch me.'
with chips implanted in their heads.
We open with a payroll robbery.
'Hold it!'
One of the robbers feels bad about this…
'That wasn't necessary.'
briefly.
'This means we will never have to work for living anymore.'
And is betrayed.
'You're crazy.'
This is our hero and the movie is swift to show that, despite his role in an armed robbery,
he’s actually very good-looking.
‘You’re as handsome as ever’
That’s basic difference between an amoral criminal and a rogueish hero,
and women simply can’t control themselves around Bert, even in front of their husband.
'Is there anything wrong?'
Is it weird I’m the only one in my underwear?
But Bert only has eyes for Diana.
‘Better keep an eye on your sister buddy, she’s no little girl any more’
Creepy.
‘You’d better watch you daughter though, someone could just run off with her.’
Is your Mom around? I’d like to make inappropriate comments to as many of your family as possible.
‘It’ll be a hell of a lot of fun’
Diana heads out on a safari with a strange goal.
‘You know, I can hardly wait to find out if there is a sacred monkey’
But instead of a sacred monkey they find pervy apes.
Who kidnap Diana!
Bert is swift to act.
‘You haven’t got a hope of finding her. I’m not going’
I’m sure his love of Diana will change his mind.
‘I think you mentioned money’
He sets out with a team of native stereotypes.
'And take that body down the hill and bury it.'
'No taboo taboo, I no touch body.'
and Diana’s brother.
‘What’s wrong with you kid?'
My sister’s been kidnapped by gorillas you dick.
This party is also being clandestinely followed…
at a distance of about 6 feet, by a man from Interpol.
‘I’m investigating your robbery’
Not Bert’s part in it, obviously.
‘I’m not interested in you at all’
But that’s not all.
There’s also girl with a chimp trailing Bert,
because, lest we forget
‘You’re as handsome as ever’
And things get more complex because these aren’t ordinary gorillas.
‘They behaved as if they had a plan’
There’s more to this than meets the eye.
‘I told you, the moment I’m able to get my hands on Bert you can have her’
Diana’s being held by, Albert, who shot Bert at the start and is now using her to force her brother Robert to bring our hero to him.
‘I really only wanted Bert’
Doesn’t everyone.
Albert’s the one doing experiments and bending apes to his will, although they screw up and kill Robert.
‘It was the gorilla’s that ruined the plan.’
‘What went wrong? What?’
Was it my reliance on gorilla mind control? We’ll never know.
Meanwhile, Bert escapes with the Interpol guy.
Whom he abandons at the first sign of danger,
and his first encounter with the mysterious chimp girl doesn’t improve my opinion of him.
‘That’s more like it, woman’
Although that’s actually the better of his chat-up lines.
'Are you the sacred monkey?’
Why does Albert want him?
‘You’re an excellent specimen of the human race; strong, clever, brave’
Don’t forget handsome.
‘That’s why I’ve chosen you for my 1st experiment on a human being’
Maybe this is all a misunderstanding because brave & clever are not the adjectives I would apply to Bert.
‘Look out Bert’
It now proves that Diana’s father has been working with Albert.
‘And besides, now with the invention of Albert’s which I helped to finance, we’re going to be rich’
Which is weird because...
‘And say that if he wants his daughter back, there’s only one way to get her’
Albert kidnapped Diana to coerce him.
‘It just doesn’t make sense’
And I’m afraid that kind of sums up the movie, the plan to bring Bert here is needlessly convoluted.
‘It’s hard to believe a story like that’
I’ve no idea what the deal with the sacred monkey is or why Bert says...
‘I’ll call you Eve’
and never does.
‘They’re yours Eva’
And I’ve no idea why I’m supposed to like Bert after armed robbery,
refusal to rescue his girl unless he gets paid.
‘Bert really doesn’t want to help’
and abandoning his injured friend.
'You're as handsome as ever.'
I also have no idea why, given a practically infinite number of names,
the hero is Bert, the brother is Robert, the bad guy is Albert.
‘What do you take me for, a jackass?'
That seems fixable.
Thanks for watching. To see more of our many ape movie reviews, click here.
Is this the most blatant use of a well-known name to sell an unrelated movie?
Tell us the best name-dropping movies in the comments below.
'Now I'm gonna kill you'