THERE'S BIG NEWS ABOUT WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND DAD
WHOSE TOAST JUST RUINED THE WEDDING, JOHN KELLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO SOURCES, KELLY TOLD
STAFF ON MONDAY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD ASKED HIM TO REMAIN IN
HIS POST THROUGH THE 2020 ELECTION.
AND HE'S ALREADY BEEN FIRED.
BUT-- >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: BEFORE WE GET TO 2020, WE'VE GOT TO GET PAST THE
MIDTERMS.
THEY'RE JUST 98 DAYS AWAY, AND ONE ELECTION PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS VIRGINIA'S FIFTH CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT
BETWEEN DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE AND STEVIE NICKS' ACCOUNTANT, LAURA
COATES.
AND REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO BRINGS PATIO FURNITURE
HIKING, DENVER RIGGLEMAN.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS RACE HAS BEEN ROCKED BY
SCANDAL.
AND I PROMISE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THIS ONE BEFORE BECAUSE
BIGFOOT PORN IS SHAKING UP THE VIRGINIA CONGRESSIONAL RACE.
YES, BIGFOOT PORN.
THIS IS THE MOST SCANDALOUS STORY SINCE L.B.J. WAS CAUGHT IN
BED WITH THE CHUPACABRA.
RIGGLEMAN CALLED OUT: CHECK OUT THE SAS-CROTCH.
HE'S HUNG LIKE A YETI.
NOW WE KNOW WHY ALL THE PHOTOS OF BIGFOOT ARE BLURRED!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT RIGGLEMAN SAYS THERE'S A
PERFECTLY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR HIM OPENLY POSTING HIS HOMEMADE
BIGFOOT EROTICA.
"HE SAYS THE POSTS WERE MEANT AS A JOKE FROM HIS MILITARY
BUDDIES."
WAIT-- YOU THINK THAT MAKES IT SOUND BETTER?
"WE'RE JUST DOING WHAT ALL MILITARY BUDDIES DO: WE'RE
POSTING CRYPTOZOOLOGICAL EROTICA IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONGRESSIONAL
RACE.
OO-RAH!" BUT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GET YOUR SEMPER FREAK ON.
RIGGLEMAN IS CURRENTLY TRYING TO RIGGLE HIS WAY OUT OF THIS
BECAUSE HE RECENTLY DELETED A FACEBOOK AUTHOR PAGE IN WHICH HE
WAS PROMOTING HIS SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK, "THE MATING HABITS OF
BIGFOOT AND WHY WOMEN WANT HIM."
OH, "SELF PUBLISHING?" IS THAT WHAT THE KIDS CALL IT
NOW?
"DON'T COME IN, MOM!
I'M SELF-PUBLISHING!"
"CLOSE THE DOOR!
LET ME FINISH THE CHAPTER!
I JUST GOTTA FINISH THIS CHAPTER!
" NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE LAUGHING WE'RE KINK-SHAMING
PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO THIS.
I BELIEVE LOVE IS LOVE.
AND I LOVE HOW HILARIOUS.
THIS IS.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF
SAYING WORDS OUT LOUD AT THE TELEVISION AT AROUND 7:30 AT
NIGHT, AND IT'S COMING FROM HOST OF "JEOPARDY!" AND MAN WHO'S NOT
MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THE CAPITAL OF
MAURITANIA, ALEX TREBEK.
TREBEK RECENTLY SAT DOWN WITH HARVEY LEVIN FROM TMZ TO TALK
ABOUT HIS FUTURE ON "JEOPARDY!" AND HIS ANSWER WAS TROUBLING.
>> YOUR CONTRACT IS UP ON "JEOPARDY!" IN 2020.
CAN YOU IMAGINE A LIFE WITHOUT JEOPARDY?
>> SURE.
>> WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOU WILL STAY AFTER 2020 RIGHT NOW?
>> 50/50, AND A LITTLE LESS.
>> Stephen: OOOH!
I'M SORRY, WE WERE LOOKING FOR "WHAT IS GRAND TETON NATIONAL
PARK?"
STILL ANYBODY'S GAME.
NOW, THIS RETIERMD ISN'T TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.
TREBEK'S MUSTACHE RETIRED YEARS AGO AND IS NOW DOING VOLUNTEER
TUTORING.
BUT ALEX TREBEK CAN'T LEAVE!
ALEX TREBEK IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO CAN MAKE IT
THROUGH THE "GET TO KNOW THE CONTESTANTS" PART OF "JEOPARDY!"
WITHOUT LOSING IT.
(AS TREBEK) "WOW, SO YOU PROPOSED TO YOUR
WIFE IN THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE OF THE SCHOOL YOU BOTH WORK AT, AND
THAT'S... THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY, OKAY.
FANTASTIC."
"JEOPARDY!" PROBABLY ISN'T GOING AWAY, BUT IT WILL GET A NEW
HOST.
AND WHEN ASKED WHO HE THINKS SHOULD REPLACE HIM, TREBEK SAID
THAT HE LIKES ALEX FAUST, THE LOS ANGELES KINGS 28-YEAR-OLD
PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER.
NO!
NO.
IT IS HARD ENOUGH WHEN A MAN IN HIS 70s ACTS LIKE HE HAS ALL THE
ANSWERS.
IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BE CORRECTED ABOUT WHICH
MICROBIOLOGIST WAS APPOINTED PROFESSOR OF CHEMISTRY AT THE
SORBONNE IN 1867 BY SOME SNOT-NOSED PUNK, YOU GOT ANOTHER
THINK COMING!
"WHO IS LOUIS PASTEUR," BY THE WAY.
( APPLAUSE ) LOUIS PASTEUR.
I'M ALL IN.
TREBEK ALSO MENTIONED CNN LEGAL ANALYST LAURA COATES AS A
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT.
YES, IT IS TIME WE HAD AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN HOST A
SYNDICATED TRIVIA GAME SHOW.
BY THE WAY, ON THE SUPREME COURT WOULD ALSO BE GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ).
( CHEERS ) BUT-- EITHER ONE WOULD BE AN
IMPROVEMENT.
BUT WAIT.
WAIT A SECOND!
DID TREBEK SAY HE WAS THINKING OF STEPPING DOWN IN 2020?
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS: HE'S TOTALLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!
HE WOULD DEFINITELY WIN OVER TRUMP VOTERS.
HE'S FROM TV, OLD PEOPLE LOVE AND WATCH HIM, AND HE HUMILIATED
FAKE NEWS CNN WHEN WOLF BLITZER LOST SPECTACULARLY ON CELEBRITY
"JEOPARDY!".
PLUS, IF TREBEK RUNS, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE LAWN SIGNS: "TREBEK
2020: MAKE AMERICA IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION AGAIN."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.