Hi!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ] Yay! Yay, yay, yay!
Give it up for my afro.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It excites me because I had a shaved head for seven years.
I was never late anywhere.
[ Laughter ]
When I started growing it back, my friend was like,
"Zainab, I didn't know your hair grew like that."
I was like, "Like what?"
I tried to lead her down a racism trap.
[ Laughs ] I was like, "How does my hair grow?"
She was like, "You know, it's tight and coarse."
I was like, "Oh, no, no, no. That's a misconception.
My hair grows very straight.
Then I walk out into the world,
and oppression makes it tight and coarse."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
We're not friends anymore.
Which is okay because I have 12 siblings.
I know. My mom's vagina, right? Ooh.
[ Laughs ]
Whenever I tell people that, they're like,
"Wow. Your parents were having a lot of sex."
I'm like, "At least 13 times.
Since we're counting."
They also ask me, like,
"Oh, did you come from a religious family?"
And, yes, I did. I'm Muslim. I know I'm underdressed.
"Um -- Okay."
[ Laughs ]
Actually had a guy break up with me because I was Muslim.
He was like, "Zainab, I really want to marry you,
but I need you to be Christian."
And I was like, "I really want to marry you, too,
but I need you to be financially stable."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
I am one of 13.
My mom wanted 20. She made it to 13.
When I was in second grade, she had kid number 10.
And I was like, "This has got to stop."
Asked my mom to get her tubes tied when I was in second grade.
I have no idea how I found out about tube tying.
Like, maybe I was so fed up, I sat in front of a bunch
of encyclopedias and was like, "There has to be an answer."
Or maybe I overheard the gossiping lunch ladies say,
"If Mrs. Johnson enrolls one more of those kids....
in the free-lunch program...
I'm-a take her to the clinic myself."
I don't know how I found out about it,
but when I did, I was like, "Oh, shoot. There's a solution."
So I went to my mom, I was like, "Mom, get your tubes tied."
And my mom said the craziest thing to me.
My mom said, "Zainab, I'm not going to get my tubes tied.
Me and your father, we might not make it.
I'm going to marry another man,
and I'm going to have his children."
[ Audience ohhs ]
[ Laughter ]
And in that moment, I was like, "This chick is confident."
That is not how dating works.
There's no eligible bachelor out there
looking for a divorcee with 10 dependents.
No, there's virgins out there with PhD's
trying to get married.
I had to tell my mom, I said,
"Look, you got to stay with Daddy.
He's your only option."
[ Laughter ]
It's 13 of us. It's 13 of us. Somebody should be gay, right?
Statistically.
They say 1 in every 5 Americans is gay.
There's 13 of us. We should have 2.
2 1/2.
Like, two and a bisexual, right?
[ Laughter ]
We have no idea who it is.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
We are waiting patiently by the closet like...
[ Laughter ]
..."Who is it?"
My younger brother, he was a good suspect.
When he was 8 years old, he just decided to be a vegan.
We were like, "He's definitely the gay one."
We justified it. We were like, "It makes sense.
He's giving up meat now so he can have all the meat later."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I stole his journal because I was like, "I'm going to crack this case."
I was like, "The information is in his journal.
All I have to do is find it. We'll invite him out the closet."
So I read his journal, come to find out
he's in love with this girl.
I was pissed.
I confronted him. I'm like, "What is this?!"
He says, "Zainab, you read my journal?"
I was like, "You're not gay?
You have a journal."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Actually, my family, they thought I was the gay one.
I had a shaved head,
I played basketball for a really long time.
They just knew I was gonna come dribbling out the closet.
And, you know, people argue like,
"Oh, are you born gay? Do you choose to be gay?"
I think you're born gay,
'cause if you could choose it, I would choose it.
[ Laughs ] I would be so gay.
Here's why. Here's why.
I'm black. I'm a woman. I'm Muslim.
I'm the diversity trifecta.
If I could just add gay to my résumé.
[ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ] If I were gay, this wouldn't be a comedy show.
This would be a TED Talk.
Thank you, everybody. I'm Zainab.